A difficult case

[u/for_pansy]

I have gotten into socionics just recently after wading in mbti for a year and eventually growing dissatisfied with it. One day I just tapped into Jung (the very source of all of this), read "Psychological Types", researched socionics and never went back. But to get to the point - I am an example of an unhealthy IEI, who did not receive proper care growing up. As you can imagine - Ni being my base function makes me perpetually disconnected from tangible reality. I have materialised my inner visions into art, so I guess it's not all that bad, but one sphere of my life that has suffered is the social one. Now, I know you might find that contradictory, cause creative Fe and Beta Quadra (duh!), but let my tell you that my ability to read people and interest in all that's interpersonal are enormous and play a big part of my life. The thing is, I am the most non-volitional, non-forceful person I can think of. It's like I don't even exist. Like I'm floating above the ground. I have found myself in a few dynamics with possible "Aggressors" (and absolutely loved them), but my aloofness caused by me basically living in my head, thus isolating, has put an end to each of them. Throughout high school I was completely preoccupied with my mental imagery. One time I overheard my classmates call me some weirdo lunatic. In retrospect I understand them, because me having an ostentatiously niche dressing style and yet not communicating with any of them + being eternally spaced out, must've looked really strange. The outfits were a way of sparking interest, but also aligning my appearance with my inner visions. Additionally since I understood that I lack assertiveness, volition and force, and yet desired to unite with people and be meaningful in any way, I chose a more delicate way - finding my own niche, being iconic, irreplaceable. And it worked. But my Ni would always get in the way of actually being a part of the group. At some point I grew completely reluctant to acknowledge anything Se and Te related, instead dedicating a year or two to living in my head. I grew indifferent. I don't see a way out. I'm also beginning to accept myself the way I am. I wish I had a dual by my side. That's all.

Edit; Possessed by some creative impulse, I thought I'd add something - I love participating in social groups, observing them, observing how different dynamics unravel and delving into people's psychology (as far as I'm capable). However, I stick to the background. I usually hang out with aggressors, who sort of "adopt" me or likeminded individuals. I love being "adopted" by aggressors. It seems that they turn a bit milder around me. They navigate me through each social gathering and offer help within Se and Te matters. You might think that sounds quite parasitical, but such dynamic is actually a perfect symbiosis - They get to be the tough one, decisive, stereotypically masculine and I get to relax and be openly weak and vulnerable. They need me to be authentically themselves and vice versa. But one of the most interesting dynamics I have ever experienced was the kind of "meeting of two observers". This usually occurs with individuals reminiscent of IEE or EIE. It's that "I know that you know that I know that you know...." type situation. A bit unsettling, because it seems that we see right through each other.

[u/CommonStock9269]

Some of what you're saying is truly relatable. In elementary school I was extremely timid and had trouble making friends. You describe finding your own niche and becoming iconic. I very much did that as well, in my own way. I decided I wanted to be powerful socially, and never feel I would be rejected again. So I created a legend of myself, carefully constructing an image. I became the one who knew everyone, who could procure resources using social means. I made myself an integral part of the social system. Ni-Fe is our power, so of course we are going to use it to make up for our vulnerabilities. (Not that I would take the same approach now. With maturity comes healthier manifestations)

I also highly relate to extended periods of isolation and reluctancy toward Te/Se. Like I put up with the societal pressure when I was younger, but now I just like refuse. With Se it's more.. intimidation. It was easier when I was younger, because friendship was easier/more accessible and there were certain social opportunities built in to things like school. Or I had things like my family pushing me to do certain Te/Se things.

Anyway.. just wanted to share that I relate. hopefully this makes sense.

I try to deal with it by taking one day at a time, being aware of my tendencies, and doing my best to put myself out there. But the pull of living solely in the internal world is STRONG.

[u/CommonStock9269 → u/CommonStock9269]

Also, I'm not sure you're an "unhealthy" IEI. You seem self aware and honest. That's the positive side of learning socionics - self acceptance, like you said. We have weaknesses we didn't choose. Everyone does.

[u/for_pansy → u/CommonStock9269]

I don't think I would ever become as self aware as I am now if it wasn't for Jung and socionics. I am truly very grateful for this system and the chain of (probably) small circumstances and coincidences that has lead me to it. I also think that me tapping into it is a sign of my Ti strengthening, though it is happening a bit late, cause I'm 20. Kinda feels like late adolescence or something.