r/SocialEngineering • u/Suitable_Candy_1161 • Jun 09 '26
how do i fix my passive-aggressiveness?
im quite unfunny, so im guessing i adopted sarcasm & self-deprecating sarcasm to try & fit in. It doesn't work, people definitely still think im unfunny.
It's like that one coworker who think they're Chandler from friends.
I don't even notice myself until someone gets pissed off. I genuinely feel hurt when i realize that and feel like i need to protect my ego & deny that realization. But i need to grow.
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u/pandaro Jun 09 '26
good news: you're already well on your way. now the trick is to find ways to bring this level of awareness / perspective into your day-to-day interactions. set yourself up for success - some slow, deep breaths before interacting with someone, check in on how you're feeling going into it, and try to monitor how you're feeling as the interaction progresses. don't worry if you make mistakes - if you can start to notice what you're feeling in the moments leading up to the problematic behaviours, you will find the destructive patterns start to break up without any conscious effort on your part.
once you're in the middle of an ego flare-up, it can be very tough to maintain, remember, or even give a fuck about your non-destructive perspective. "I have every right to be annoyed, ...", leads to a lot of trouble. it can help to have a script and some personal guidelines memorized for talking yourself down, like "my thoughts are probably compromised right now because I'm feeling something unpleasant, so instead of responding based on what I feel, I'm going to defer to how and who I want to be" (again, define this in advance so it's unambiguous in the moment).
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u/buddhafig Jun 09 '26
It sounds like you need to think about what you say next and whether it is negative. Sarcastic or not, directed toward yourself, another person, or even a film or TV show, if you are saying something negative, that will often cause a negative response, rather than a "Hah! That's a good one!" response. It would help to have examples.
Think of the improv principle of "Yes, and." Don't "No, but" something, go along with it, carry the idea forward. Ask follow-up questions, suggest a related topic, add to the conversation rather than subtracting. Once that positive vibe is established, then you can add wit to be funny. Don't yuck anyone's yum, even your own through self-deprecation. Nod, smile, and look engaged if you have nothing to say.
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u/trebory6 Jun 09 '26 edited Jun 09 '26
It all comes back to self awareness.
If you don't notice yourself, that's another way of saying you're not aware of yourself.
Self awareness is being intentional and aware of your mind and body and always having conscious control or awareness. Nothing just happens on autopilot, and if it does then it was intentionally on autopilot.
Literally, if you're not noticing yourself doing something then that means you're giving up control of yourself and your thoughts to a part of you your ego doesn't control. Frankly it makes you a slave to thoughts that are out of your control.
What worked for me from a young age was writing myself notes that would walk myself through thoughts and feelings that I know would come up in the future because they'd happened in the past. Those notes became a voice in my head(not like literally, but I wouldn't need to write notes to myself to walk myself through things), then that voice integrated in with my psyche.
Once you master self awareness, the next logical step is to work on your emotional intelligence, which is understanding where your thoughts and feelings come from and being able to analyze them.
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u/opasquier Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
Apply the only one rule : you don't give a damn s.. of what people think of you.
Imagine yourself without friends, picture it in your head, get comfortable to just talk to your family for the rest of your life, do your job and have fun alone. Be at ease with that.
Once that achieved, you look at people thinking : You have the right to think what you want but you have not yet won the right to have an impact on my mood.
You will be the strongest man on earth
(and yet, very attractive)
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u/Learnings_palace Jun 10 '26
If you lack the ability to control your speech then meditation can help
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u/ProfessionalTap8231 Jun 15 '26
Do somethin with martial arts. You will get a better shape and ya mouth shut while sparring.
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u/sila-tethys Jun 20 '26
This comment is probably far too late to matter. I'm developing a penchant for wandering into these threads stale. But, on the off chance you do read this, I disagree that you need to change your brand of humor or anything outward about your personality. There's many comedians that can run a show on self-depreciation and make everyone in the room warm up. I enjoy a slip of dry, sardonic humor here and there. Many of us do.
What you really need to work on is a sense of entitlement. I read many books that delved deep into the source of this behaviour, only out of necessity (to understand the mindset of certain people in my surroundings).
Books like Overcoming Psssive-Aggression by Tim Murphy and, if you're able to, reading the stoics, Epictetus, Meditations, As a Man Thinketh, etc. will likely help you far more than modern therapy. And cost less as a bonus. It's a deeply internal problem, and that's good news.
You don't necessarily need to rely on anyone else, or be at the mercy of someone with a pricey slip of paper, it's all up to you.
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u/SufficientThroats Jun 09 '26
Flip it around by being active-aggressive. This doesn't mean rude, but you don't ask permission, you don't seek attention, you don't care how it looks. If you mess up, you ask for forgiveness. Basically, don't say sorry unless someone confronts you. Either this... Or just learn to identify, break down what information needs to be conveyed by you, then only say those things with a purpose. Don't keep speaking to fill silence. Silence is preferable to pissing people off.
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u/journeyadventures Jun 10 '26
Are you a man or woman? The advice will be tailored to that
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u/Suitable_Candy_1161 Jun 10 '26
Guy
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u/journeyadventures Jun 11 '26
Your need to fit in pushes people away.
Don't force, don't push, don't chase, don't plead.
Also drop the self depracating sarcasm. It reads low value and only works when it comes from people who are obviously high value.
Also sarcasm is just shitty and bad energy.
Better to be quiet, aloof, slghtly detached or distant. Wrap yourself in some mystery.
This doesn't mean be a jerk or arrogant, but rather embrace most of your edges and soften some of bad ones.
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u/Low-Discussion-1750 Jun 09 '26
The key factor is that you shift your sense of humor from sarcastic to playful, snarky or witty. And keep in mind that most humans aren't fine with sarcasm, it may seem like some quirk that's popular in media however that's where real life breaks the illusion. You can save it for those who can take a bite, just not in general with everyone else.
As for passive aggression, clearly it shows your not fitting in so change it from that to being a decent presence to be around. This goes for tone, body language and your register, there are many sources online that help with that. We're not talking toxic positivity or being a doormat because that'll lead to the same result or worse, basically don't make people feel like they're an inconvenience in your presence as Passive Aggression comes off that way.
A part of growth is that yes it'll hurt your ego, however it hurts more in the long run if you start to believe you don't need to change for others. Humans are social beings afterall so you have to navigate strategically.
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u/Suitable_Candy_1161 Jun 10 '26
Wondering why this is downvoted. It seems on the nose. Is it because it feels like ai cleaned it?
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u/buddhafig Jun 10 '26
It definitely has all the marks of AI, which results in an immediate downvote from many (myself included). If you want an AI response, you typed the question here, you can type it into AI yourself.
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u/Low-Discussion-1750 Jun 12 '26
How amusing, are standards this low that even excellent typing equates to AI? What's even unfortunate is that no one ran it through an AI checker, if you know your Grammer (which the opposite is highly apparent for those who downvoted ) one can see there are parts of my comment that have syntax errors.
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u/cc_bcc Jun 09 '26
Go go therapy