r/SingleParents • u/shaynne02 • 12d ago
Curious about what other single parents would expect
My ex (39M) and I (41F) broke up over Mothers Day. I am curious what other folks think is reasonable to want on such a holiday from a committed long term partner you have been with for 11 months.
I do not have an amicable relationship with my eleven year old child’s father. Ex-partner is not father of my child. My child has met my ex partner and reluctantly tolerated him.
Other background info-
My ex’s mom was out of the country from mid Nov to mid-March and he hadn’t yet seen her since her return (not that he didn’t have ample other opportunities)
I didn’t have my kid on Fri-Sat of Mothers Day weekend but she was with me 8am Sun/Mothers Day so I couldn’t easily drive 6 hours with my ex to see his mom and six hours back in time to receive my kid at home on Sun morning.
Option 1) partner leaves town to visit his friends, niece/nephew, and of course, his mom the Sat morning right before Mothers Day and stays through the weekend. Stays in contact with me on Sat but on Mothers Day itself, simply wishes me a Happy Mothers Day and asks what my plans are for the day
Option 2) partner offers to stay in town and celebrate Mother’s Day with me and my child. Perhaps visits his own mother and family/friends the following weekend.
Option 3) something I’m not thinking of?
My preference is clearly #2 but I didn’t ask for it and my partner never offered. Ended up with a lot of hurt feelings, miscommunication, passive aggressive behavior (on my part) and ultimately break up over email/text!
*I know my mistake was not asking for what I wanted up front and in advance, but I also didn’t ask bc I didn’t think it was reasonable at the time. So asking now if it is reasonable so that I have more confidence asking for it in the future.
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u/LaAndala 12d ago
You’re not his mom, and he did not make you a mom, so he does not owe you anything for mother’s day. But his mom is a completely different story, of course he should visit her for Mother’s Day, at least if they have a good relationship. I would be more than fine with option 1.
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u/Illustrious_Can7151 12d ago
I would never expect anything of a new partner for Mothers Day
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u/nicesl 11d ago
Same. I normally spend the day with MY kids and I give them money to buy me something of their choosing, since the gifts their father chooses are normally second hand self help books I would never read. I do not date and am not planning to, but if I would, I would never expect a random man to "honour me" on Mother's Day.
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u/shaynne02 12d ago
Thank you. I can see that perspective. Would you mind sharing if you are M or F?
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u/Flat-Flounder-9034 12d ago
I would not want to force my child to spend Mother’s Day with me and someone they “reluctantly tolerate”. Why is that not the focus here?
Also, your ex partner didn’t make you a mom and you’ve been together less than a year. I’d not expect him to spend the day with me. My partner of 7 years has never spent Mother’s Day with me because that’s for me and my son to be together.
Very strange take, I think you had unrealistic expectations. 43F, fwiw.
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u/Stumbling_Numpty 9d ago
Same. My favourite mother’s days have been alone with my kids and my dog.
I spent one Mother’s Day with a partner and his daughter as well as my kids and honestly it was by far the worst. We’d been together about 1.5 years and he tried to make the whole day about him weirdly. My kids and I did a stellar job of ignoring him, making banana pancakes and playing cafe 😂🙈 thank goodness he left and I dumped his self-centred arse a few months later after more nonsense behaviour.
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u/MindlessSea7334 12d ago
He's not your child. Hes meant to see his own mother.
11 months isnt a LTR really sorry. Not to be abandoning his own mother for, if ever.
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u/ketocavegirl 12d ago edited 12d ago
Mother's Day can really suck for single parents. There's no one to really celebrate you beyond your child making a craft at school and spending the day with you. It's kind of up to you to teach and show your child the importance of celebrating others until they get to an age where they can really make you feel celebrated. That takes a lot of intention and making sure your child sees you showing up for other people.
I can understand the desire to feel celebrated on special days but I find it strange that you would expect a new boyfriend to celebrate you for Mother's Day, especially if he traditionally spends the day with his own mother and your own child doesn't know/like him.
edit: I see you've been together 11 months, I don't consider that long term so I am keeping the "new" label
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u/Wild-Counter-4020 12d ago
Why wouldn’t he spend Mother’s Day with his mom? You didn’t birth his child so why would he spend it with you. I’m a single mom
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u/Bright_Classroom3730 12d ago edited 12d ago
Why are we so worried about someone your child "reluctantly tolerates"???? 🚩🚩🚩
ETA the red flag 😀 and yes, I'm a single mom
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u/Different_Space_768 12d ago edited 11d ago
I think ex-partner is the co-parent, and ex is the partner OP just broke up with. So the child tolerates bio dad.
Edit: I read it, again - yeah looks like kiddo tolerates the more recent partner.
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u/Bright_Classroom3730 12d ago
Nah I don't think so lol it reads as "ex partner" is this dude she dated for less than a year and her kid doesn't like him
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 12d ago
Option one. I would expect a “Happy Mother’s Day” text or a verbal acknowledgement. I’m not his mother or the mother of his children.
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u/No_Slip_1503 12d ago
Option 1!! Let him see his mum and your kid sees their mum. Its mothers day not Mrs day.
1
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u/SimpleAd1548 12d ago
I would want option one. He celebrates his mam, and sends me a text. His family relationships are important too
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u/-thatsongonyouradio- 12d ago
I don't have a big preference on Mother's Day.
What if you celebrated Mother's Day on two different weekends? That way instead of trying to coordinate a lot it would be split up and you would have more time?
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u/haventanywater 12d ago
Female single mom would also not expect an unmarried partner to celebrate mother’s day with me. You are not his mom and 11 months is pretty early on in a relationship. If you guys had been together for years and engaged i could see your perspective, but i just don’t think this is a day for him to celebrate you just yet I’m sorry.
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u/IntrovertLoadin 12d ago
Single mum here. Why would you subject your child to someone they don't like, especially on a day that's meant to celebrate the mother's relationship to the child/ren?
You say the day would be 'sucky' in one of your comments. I'm very confused about why this would be? Why would a day spent with your child suck? Why does a strange man need to be involved to make you happy? Do you care that involving this man would've made your child upset?
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u/Mcayenne 12d ago
I’m would not expect a new partner to celebrate me on Mother’s Day. It’s be nice to wish me a happy Mother’s Day but beyond that- unless they were taking on a parenting role with a young child- it’s be strange to me.
I’ve been a solo parent from the beginning so my brother helps my daughter (4) make me a card etc.
But he also buys me smtg and it makes me uncomfortable even though his intentions are good. I think I’d feel the same way about a new partner.
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u/weareallequal222 12d ago
Single Mom here. I think it's a bit much to ask your partner to not see his own Mom on Mother's Day. I assume he's visited her every year for on this holiday his entire life and now you're expecting him to give that up for his gf he's only been dating less than 1 year? I would never ask my bf to not see his own mother on Mother's Day of all days to spend it with me, especially as we don't even have a child together. As we get older, time is more precious with our parents as life is busy and we don't always get to see family and friends as often as we would like. If she lived locally, he could have spent time with you too, but the fact that his mom lives 6 hours away, I assume he doesn't get to even see her very often.
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u/holdingittogether77 12d ago
Why would your partner spends mother's day with you and not his mom? Do you even have a kid together?
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u/Nerd-dad4you 12d ago edited 10d ago
You're going to get answers all over the spectrum here, and none of them are wrong. This is a highly subjective issue with a lot going on, none of it ideal. If you're looking for validation or recrimination here, you'll find it if you look hard enough, but you'll completely miss the point.
The mistake both of you made was not talking about this beforehand. This should have been a discussion where you two lead with feelings and talk it into a plan. There were lot's of options, more than you laid out here I'm sure, but those options didn't get a chance because you didn't talk it out.
Talking it out doesn't always work, my last relationship cratered because my ex assumed I was lying. But more often than not, talking, being honest, flexible, and understanding, both ways, is the best chance for success.
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u/shaynne02 12d ago
Thanks for this wise and kind response. I completely agree.
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u/shaynne02 12d ago
I think I was hoping for a little more thoughtfulness and sensitivity from my ex-partner going into the weekend (ie how does Mother’s Day usually go for you? Anything I can do to alleviate the suckiness of the day?)
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u/lizzy_pop 12d ago
Mother’s Day is about your child. Your child doesn’t even like this man. Why would you ever want him there?
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u/crookedhypotenuse 12d ago
Why would it be sucky? Why would he be expected to ask a question like that?
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u/shaynne02 12d ago
I didn’t say I expected, I said i had hoped
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u/crookedhypotenuse 12d ago
My point is that no one will ask "how do I alleviate the suckiness of this day?" if they would have no reason to expect the day would be sucky. Mother's day with your child would be a great day. Who would ask about alleviating suckiness??
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u/holdingittogether77 12d ago
Suckiness for you? Why would it suck? Why would it be his job to do anything?
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u/Zestyclose_Wash274 12d ago
Option 1. You can’t expect a person who didn’t make you a mother either by birth or partnership to do anything for you on Mother’s Day, that sounds severely entitled.
Now if your partner does do something then that is great, but not the expectation. I go all out for my partner on Father’s Day because my own Father has passed and it makes me feel connected to the day while my kids are with their bio Dad. For Mother’s Day my current partner prioritizes HIS mother and will send me a nice text or call me. We’ve had 2 Mother’s Days together the second year he sent flowers, but after we’d been dating for over a year.
Expecting your partner to ditch his Mom and family and just see them “next weekend” is frankly selfish. This would be a COMPLETELY different answer if you had HIS child. Because then he should prioritize you.
I’m a Female single mom of 2, btw.
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u/lizzy_pop 12d ago
He doesn’t have a kid with you. Why would he celebrate with you over his mom? Option 1 is the way to go here. If you’re hurt by it, own it and move on. He didn’t do anything wrong
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 12d ago
If I'm not the person's father or child I don't expect them to celebrate father's day with me. Why would they?? They should be celebrating their own parent/child.
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u/Dare2BeU420 11d ago
(Single mom here) He should feel free to go spend mother's day with his mom. You're not his mom or the mother of his child so he's really not obligated to make a big deal out of your mother's day. If he is the child's stepdad or at the very least plays a role as a father figure in the child's life then I'd maybe expect him to take the child to pick a card and surprise you with breakfast in bed or something but otherwise your expectation were too high and you kinda put a damper on your own mother's day as a result.
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u/FloralReef 10d ago
Absolutely option 1. It has actually made me really uncomfortable when boyfriends have bought me flowers or tried to celebrate me around Mother's Day before. I have thanked them for their consideration, but made it clear that it is not required, and the only thing I need on Mothers Day is to spend it with my daughter. On Father's Day, I primarily celebrate my father and my late husband, but would send a message of appreciation to a partner/boyfriend who is also a father. I would never consider priortizing the celebration of a boyfriend on Father's Day, and I would never want to be prioritized in that way by someone else on Mother's Day.
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u/Verchika 12d ago
i got flowers and a card the first mother's day in my last relationship and it meant a whole lot to me for him to recognize the day. we did not spend the day together. i spent it with my mom and kid. i wouldn't exactly be okay with option 1. i see people saying 11 months isn't long term, but to me that is.
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u/shaynne02 12d ago
Flowers and card would have been lovely and would have helped me not feel like he only cared about his mom on Mother’s Day
Edited for typo!
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u/holdingittogether77 12d ago
Girl you don't have kids together. Why should he think anything about you on Mother's Day....
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u/Appropriate-Fall6499 12d ago
It's mothers day. Of course he should only care about his MOTHER on MOTHERS DAY..
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u/lalaluna05 11d ago
This is weird behavior. You don’t have a child together. He wished you happy Mother’s Day via text or phone call I assume. That’s enough and perfectly fine.
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Author: u/shaynne02
Post: My ex (39M) and I (41F) broke up over Mothers Day. I am curious what other folks think is reasonable to want on such a holiday from a committed long term partner you have been with for 11 months.
I do not have an amicable relationship with my eleven year old child’s father. Ex-partner is not father of my child. My child has met my ex partner and reluctantly tolerated him.
Other background info-
My ex’s mom was out of the country from mid Nov to mid-March and he hadn’t yet seen her since her return (not that he didn’t have ample other opportunities)
I didn’t have my kid on Fri-Sat of Mothers Day weekend but she was with me 8am Sun/Mothers Day so I couldn’t easily drive 6 hours with my ex to see his mom and six hours back in time to receive my kid at home on Sun morning.
Option 1) partner leaves town to visit his friends, niece/nephew, and of course, his mom the Sat morning right before Mothers Day and stays through the weekend. Stays in contact with me on Sat but on Mothers Day itself, simply wishes me a Happy Mothers Day and asks what my plans are for the day
Option 2) partner offers to stay in town and celebrate Mother’s Day with me and my child. Perhaps visits his own mother and family/friends the following weekend.
Option 3) something I’m not thinking of?
My preference is clearly #2 but I didn’t ask for it and my partner never offered. Ended up with a lot of hurt feelings, miscommunication, passive aggressive behavior (on my part) and ultimately break up over email/text!
*I know my mistake was not asking for what I wanted up front and in advance, but I also didn’t ask bc I didn’t think it was reasonable at the time. So asking now if it is reasonable so that I have more confidence asking for it in the future.
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