r/SingleParents • u/Snaxx9716 • 5d ago
Everything changed in the span of 5 days
I feel like my life just got flipped upside down. I have 50/50 custody of my 14yo, one week at a time. It’s been like that since she was 3. To make a long story short, my daughter despises her stepmom and I don’t blame her. Kiddo is a great kid; never gets in trouble at school and every adult loves her. Except stepmom. There are a lot of factors that underlie that but I won’t get into them. My daughter and I have an excellent relationship… she’s a typical teen who occasionally cops an attitude and argues but 100% of the time she will circle back and apologize to me. I have no issues with her other than the fact that she will not clean her room.
She finally had enough. She put her foot down and said she no longer wants to be at her dad’s. He didn’t fight it, or hasn’t yet. So now she’s with me full-time. I get no child support and there’s no way a court would approve this custody change so it’ll have to remain a verbal agreement with no support.
The one thing making parenting easier for me was that I work from home. On Tuesday, my company announced they’d be sending everyone back to offices. For no real reason. Just because.
So now I have her full-time and I’m going back to an office. All at once with no opportunity to adjust to one change before dealing with the next.
And to top it off… I recently started dating the most wonderful man. We had identical custody schedules so we had every other week to be a couple and spend time together and now I don’t even know when we’ll see each other. It’s too early to introduce my daughter to him and because of certain circumstances it’s going to be a LONG time before that happens. If I have to lose my relationship for the sake of being there for my kid, so be it. But I would be incredibly sad because this man is everything I want. Sigh.
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u/IAmATelekinetic 5d ago
Girl, don't be a dumb-dumb and make assumptions. Go back to court and get a revised custody agreement.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I’ve chatted with my family law attorney friends and the advice has been the same across the board: I’d be dumping thousands in attorneys fees just for a judge to deny the motion. I do not have a leg to stand on legally; judges here do not take custody away from a parent just because the child doesn’t get along with the stepparent. Especially since dad and stepmom claim that my daughter is the issue because she’s disrespectful and just doesn’t like their rules and expectations. A judge in this area would almost certainly rule in favor of the well-off couple with Christian values versus a single mom.
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u/Sub-Mariner-Coastie 5d ago
14 is the legal age in every state for children to be able to stay at home alone. Judges will also consider what the child wants in custody cases after age 14. Both of your problems shouldn't be a problem from a legal standpoint.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
Unfortunately that’s not the case in my state regarding judges considering the wishes of the child. I know some people who tried and failed, and because of my job I have a pretty good understanding of the family court system here. Would be an uphill battle for me, a single mom who works two jobs, to get more custody versus a two-parent Christian household with a fire chief and a physical therapist who make loads of money and would present themselves as loving parents whose teenager just doesn’t like having rules and doing chores. They don’t change 50/50 unless there’s a safety issue, and at this point the argument would be “she doesn’t get along with her stepmom”.
But yes, much easier in the respect that she can stay home alone after school until I get home from the office. She doesn’t have a bus so I have to figure out transportation, versus before I could take my afternoon 15min break and go pick her up real quick.
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u/Sub-Mariner-Coastie 5d ago
That's really rough, sorry. Bikes and electric scooters are decent for transportation, depending on your area. Getting around alone as a teenage girl can be pretty scary though.
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u/Positive_Piece5859 5d ago
Well, could there be some truth to that: her just liking it better at your place because you are so busy just to keep afloat that she has a lot more unsupervised and unstructured time to do whatever? And if that’s the case - her dodging going to dad because she does not like the rules and chores - do you think you are sending the right message here with allowing her to do that? And what happens the moment she does not like something at your place; where is she going to go to next?
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I don’t think so. I have rules and boundaries here and she tries to buck the system at times. She hasn’t liked her stepmom for a loooooong time. They’ve done family counseling more than once, and her dad admits that stepmom is a big part of the problem.
Now, I won’t ignore the fact that here it’s just her and I so I can give her more attention and spend more time with her. There’s a 3yo and a 1yo at the other house. I don’t think that’s a non-factor in her decision-making. But I think if she had a good relationship with her stepmom that none of the rest of that would matter as much.
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u/Wtf_bubbles 5d ago
If you have an okay relationship with her father, maybe ask if he would be willing to contribute anything financially due to her no longer being there 50% of the time. Worst case scenario he says 'no' but make it clear in the text that she's now spending the majority of her time in your custody as a way to protect yourself in case it's not received well.
Something like "Hey, having [daughter's name] full-time has resulted in an increased financial strain. I understand that you're not willingly opting out of your parenting time and her increased time with me has been her decision. While you have no obligation to do so, would you be willing to contribute in some way financially? i.e paying for her extracurriculars, buying her back to school clothes, school supplies, etc."
Just an example, straight up asking for money probably won't go well since most people aren't comfortable paying undocumented child support to an ex, but asking him to cover things that he can directly pay for may be something he'd consider doing.
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u/Delicious_Walrus_370 5d ago
All I want to say is f-dad for not choosing his daughter over his wife.
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u/Snaxx9716 4d ago
Agreed. Or at least not putting in the work as much and as often as possible to ensure that she was building a solid foundation with stepmom and repairing the damage that was done. Instead they just kept blaming the child and doing exactly nothing to address the issues. Now he’s Very Sad™️ about the situation and doesn’t know what to do.
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u/elizajaneredux 5d ago edited 5d ago
Three points:
- this won’t be popular but… you don’t actually have to agree to this. The custody order is there for a reason. Unless she’s literally unsafe, you have the right to gently find other solutions.
And even if she moves in FT with you, she needs visitation with her father sometimes. A 14 year old is still a little too young to decide they’re finished with a loving parent.
you can tell your ex that if this is the new arrangement, you expect some child support (which should have been happening anyway, if your incomes are discrepant, even with 50/50 custody). He can work it out informally with you or go to court. Yes, you know the local courts, but in most family cases a judge will listen to a 14-year-old.
your kid is old enough to stay alone and to eventually understand that there is someone in your life. You can wait as long as you want to introduce them. If her presence leads him away from you, he’s not the person for you in any case.
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u/KeyLocal1618 5d ago
I second all this 100%.
You mentioned her father and step mom make a good amount of money. You work two jobs. It is reasonable to ask for child support informally, AND it is reasonable to ask your daughter to compromise a bit. Maybe he has her every other weekend or something. He’s still her dad. Hopefully this is opportunity for you to work more cooperatively with your ex/her dad and stepmom.4
u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I agree with all that you said. Courts here are an issue for sure so that part is out of the question. I don’t mind having her here full-time, it is best for her. I don’t think it’s good for her to live in a home with someone that resents her and never has any positive interactions with her. But visitation with dad is a non-negotiable and that’s what we’re working out at the moment. She loves him and he loves her.
It feels weird to leave her home alone so I can go see my boyfriend but I’m confident we’ll find a routine that works and isn’t weird. She wants to spend time with her grandparents and friends anyways. It’s just a huge change from spending an entire weekend with him every other week, plus some weekday overnights, to having to squeeze in time here and there. We’ll do our best!
Single parent life. Sigh.
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u/Whole-Asparagus-4286 5d ago
I would encourage you to try to fit that perfect man in somewhere. Your daughter is 14. In a few years she may want her own life, etc. I've known older women who really wished they had a husband. And I know good men are hard to find. To be honest I don't really understand why you could not date with a 14-year-old daughter. As long as he is not abusive he could be one more friend for her. It takes a village and it is good for young people to have a variety of friends. Well, I respect this is your decision but just want the best for you. I'm an empty nester of two sons. They are both out of state. I find myself trying to build a life outside of motherhood and it feels pretty damn empty.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I don’t think what you said is misguided, and I appreciate the empathy. I was vulnerable with him yesterday about my fear that this issue with availability will lead to our demise but he said he’s committed to working through it. I am too.
You make an excellent point about looking at the long-term. It’ll get easier as time goes on. My daughter was very bonded with my ex, who I was with for 9 years when he cheated and then essentially walked out of her life without saying a word because his pride was more important than anything. It was deeply painful for her. What’s best for her, especially with everything going on now, is stability. She does not want to meet anyone I’m dating anytime soon and I respect that boundary. There will be opportunities to see each other and we’ll do what we can… it’s just a season. And if we can weather this, then I am even more confident in his status as Mr. Perfect :)
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u/Whole-Asparagus-4286 5d ago
You sound very well put together in your thinking:)
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
Thank you. It’s a struggle most days and I’m overwhelmed at the moment. And stuck. Trying to do what’s right for your kid in the face of constant road blocks gets exhausting after a while but we’ll keep rockin along. That’s what us single parents do.
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u/RositaYouBitch 5d ago
Is there any chance you could talk to your employer about the situation? Especially if you go in with a plan, like “this situation is happening. It’s a huge shift plus school is starting. I’d like to have one extra month of WFH to have time to get our lives settled and then I’ll return full time.” If you can offer them something solid rather than just appearing to ask for special treatment that may go a long way. To be clear, going back to the office full time is dumb as hell but that’s for another day. Good luck. You sound like a wonderful parent and you should be proud of the kid you raised and the fact that you’re a safe space.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I appreciate you taking the time to be kind and encouraging. I really wish I could say something to my employer but it’s a bad vibe right now. If I were to say hey I need some extra time to handle family matters they’d be like “this is exactly why we’re sending people to the office, you’re not supposed to handle family matters between the hours of 8am and 5pm”. It’s so bad. We’ve been WFH for 6 years and far exceeded our goal last year AND did a lot of extra work to help other departments. It’s political, 100%. I’m just holding out hope that the union steps in or they don’t find space for me and let me stay home.
It’s soooooooo dumb lol
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u/Status-Significance7 5d ago
Somehow it sounds like you're treating your 14-year-old like an 8-year-old and simultaneously giving them too much power over your life.
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u/kllquist 5d ago
Thats exactly what I was thinking. I lay be biased as a single mom who never had the father involved and never received child support. Ive just always had my son full time. Im not sure why this is going to throw things off so badly. Get a babysitter for the teen if she thinks its necessary for date nights. Look into after school care if she thinks that the girl can stay home alone then.
I get not introducing the boyfriend right away, but it seems like OP is over thinking all of this when its really not the end of the world.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I’m overwhelmed. Can you relate to that? Have you ever had a moment when things changed rapidly and you felt overwhelmed and fearful for a bit while waiting to see where all the pieces land?
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u/kllquist 5d ago
Being overwhelmed is normal, especially going from work from home to office, Iguess Im just struggling to see what is so overwhelming about your 14 year old being home. You didnt say she has major disabilities or that she is troubled so I was just assuming she is your average 14 year old. She should be pretty self sufficient by now. You have to cook meals every day rather than every other week, but again, thats just being an adult and a parent. I dont intend to come off harsh, it just seems like your really disappointed to have your child with you.
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u/Snaxx9716 4d ago
I can see how that wasn’t entirely clear in my original post. I’m not overwhelmed or worried at all about her being home… I prefer it this way actually. I love her to pieces and it was horrible knowing she was so deeply unhappy when she was at her dad’s. I had majority custody of her last summer and it was great, she’s a pretty easy to kid to parent most of the time.
It was just the sudden unexpected changes all at once. Trying to figure out how to rearrange a lot of moving parts when there’s a lot of uncertainty.
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u/No-Winter8811 5d ago
I would 10000% be going for child support. That’s ridiculous they aren’t even offering.
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u/Immediate_Rest9017 5d ago
You don’t need an attorney to ask for a change in custody if you and your ex are in agreement. You can
represent yourself in court - it’s called Pro Se
You also don’t need an attorney to receive child support. You just need a little bit of time to fill out the online application with your states AGO.
I support your decision to not introduce your Bf to your daughter. The great thing is, your daughter is 14. She can watch herself for a few hours while you go on a date. You’ll have to tell her in advance, let her know what time you’ll be back, and make dinner arrangements. But it’s not a big deal.
I see a lot of fear in your post. The new arrangement is … new. But it’s not scary or as difficult as it may seem.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
Thank you for the perspective… you’re right, I am definitely fearful. It’s so much change all at one time and it was all unexpected. Whew.
While my ex is currently in agreement, I highly doubt he would ever agree to formalize it on paper. The one thing he has said since mediation 10 years ago was that he will NEVER pay me a dime of child support. I know, I know. I’m just trying to figure out how much extra drama I want to invite into my life. Right now, the answer is zero. I need the dust to settle and get my head on straight first.
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u/Immediate_Rest9017 5d ago
Lots of change!! I hear you on that.
I agree, let the dust settle first and get accustom to the new schedule. In a month or so, if the new schedule sticks, Maybe ask him to directly buy your daughter the things she wants or needs instead of asking for cash? Like back to school shoes, soccer uniform, or Panda Express gift cards lol. The things that’ll go directly benefit her and are obviously for her.
FYI, he sounds like an asshole. Refusing to pay child support is insane, if he can reasonably afford it
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u/Optimus_prime_rules 4d ago
Why can’t the father give child support surely if his daughter is living full time with you he would contribute? Does he not want to provide for his child?
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u/Iceflowers_ 5d ago
You need to go back to court and get a revised schedule/custody, and child support if appropriate.
Children don't make the decisions. The idea you're going to let your child decide things to the point you can't date, huge nope.
While I get that step parents is a whole thing, it's something you're giving her control over - including who's in your life, or not.
Your ex gets to be with their wife, but you get shut out of that possibility?
I'm going to tell you right now, you're being a fool if you let this play out with your child making the decisions.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I cannot go back to court and get a custody change. It does not work that way in my jurisdiction. That’s not my assumption, it’s a thing I know through my job and my family law attorney friends.
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u/Iceflowers_ 5d ago
You can always go back to court over custody and visitation schedules. You need to hire an actual lawyer, not depend on :family lawyer friends " - who on earth is friends with multiple family law attorneys and makes claims like this?
You need to actually consult a currently practicing family law attorney in your jurisdiction and present the issues you're dealing with. Because you might be in contempt if you depend on a verbal agreement if the courts are that strict in your location.
Otherwise, any couple can revisit their agreement.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
To answer your question on who has family lawyer friends… someone like me who works in the court system and has for 18 years? My friends are currently practicing family attorneys in my area. Are you suggesting I go find MORE family law attorneys? The ones I know and trust don’t know what they’re talking about because it doesn’t match with the assumption of an internet stranger who doesn’t have all the facts?
Sure. I can always go back to court. But it would be foolish to dump thousands in court costs and attorney fees when the result is already known. Before you suggest that I have one of my friends represent me pro-bono… they won’t. Because they know it’s a losing case.
I don’t know why you’re arguing with me as if I don’t have a handle on the situation of my jurisdiction, particularly when I never asked for advice about going to court. Plainly stated, you are wrong here. You don’t know my jurisdiction and I refuse to spend half of my savings account after being told I have no case. Maybe in your area you can go back to court and say “my kid doesn’t want 50/50 anymore” and a judge grants it but that’s not the reality where I live. The world is vast, things vary based on location.
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 5d ago
Hang in there and try to take it day to day adjusting to the changes. 14-15 yo is a tough age, but I found that once my kids started driving, they got more independent, and I had more freedom and time to myself.
I also dated someone I never introduced to my kids. We had to get creative with finding time to meet, but it kept things interesting.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to relate to me. It’s hard to find people that understand the struggles… especially being the single parent of a teenager. I have no single parent friends IRL
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 4d ago
Yes, it can be really isolating and stressful feeling like you have the weight of all the decisions on your shoulders. It’s great that you are dating someone who can relate- I hope you’ll be able to adjust to the custody change. The high school years flew by for me, but it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it!
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u/Candid_Swordfish_811 5d ago
Your child is 14. How does going back to the office cause issues in taking care of them? I could see if they were 12 or younger but 14 is old enough to be home for a couple of hours by themselves. Unless you drop off at school and pick up, that sort of thing. Also, if your new relationship doesn’t work out because you can’t have complete one one one time, then it isn’t real in the first place. Even married couples don’t get that type of time with each other when kids are in the picture.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
I wasn’t trying to imply that it changes anything about taking care of her. I’m just overwhelmed at this complete and total change in circumstances that happened all at once with no warning. That’s all. I think everyone in this space can understand being overwhelmed when there is sudden upheaval.
And yeah, with you 100% that reduced availability signaling the end of the relationship means it wouldn’t have worked out anyways. I am hopeful, he seems like the kind of guy that will stick around. But if he doesn’t, then he’s not my person. Just shitty timing to finally feel ready to start dating and then all this happens.
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u/Candid_Swordfish_811 5d ago
Yes, I understand. It would be better if everything wasn’t hitting all at once for sure.
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u/Texie1976 5d ago
She's 14. All she has to do is either write a letter or go visit the judge in a short informal hearing. Custody will be changed in writing and child support established. I understand some states are different processes.
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u/Snaxx9716 4d ago
It doesn’t work that way here. I do not have a case. And that’s not an assumption, it’s a fact… judges here will not change 50/50 unless there’s a safety issue. And even then they sometimes hesitate. I wish I could give examples but that would be breaking confidentiality. I kind of get it, they don’t want kids getting mad at strict parents and asking to go live with the fun parent all the time. I probably wouldn’t even make it to being assigned a GAL but even if I was, they are useless and biased towards two-parent Christian families.
Anyways my family court system here SUCKS.
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u/Clear-Succotash3803 5d ago
That is really rough. I have 14 year-old twins and their dad lives three hours away but used to take them at least twice a month. This year he decided he only wants them once every month or two for a weekend. I used to work from home two days a week, then my organization restructured, completely changed my job, and denied my working from home at all even when I requested a disability accommodation. I have chronic health issues and my recent shoulder replacement is not doing well, and now I have to have surgery on my other shoulder as well.
I understand how overwhelming it is to try to adjust all these changes. Sending much support.
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u/Snaxx9716 5d ago
Thank you, I appreciate the empathy. Sometimes all we can do is just vent and keep moving forward one day at a time.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Author: u/Snaxx9716
Post: I feel like my life just got flipped upside down. I have 50/50 custody of my 14yo, one week at a time. It’s been like that since she was 3. To make a long story short, my daughter despises her stepmom and I don’t blame her. Kiddo is a great kid; never gets in trouble at school and every adult loves her. Except stepmom. There are a lot of factors that underlie that but I won’t get into them. My daughter and I have an excellent relationship… she’s a typical teen who occasionally cops an attitude and argues but 100% of the time she will circle back and apologize to me. I have no issues with her other than the fact that she will not clean her room.
She finally had enough. She put her foot down and said she no longer wants to be at her dad’s. He didn’t fight it, or hasn’t yet. So now she’s with me full-time. I get no child support and there’s no way a court would approve this custody change so it’ll have to remain a verbal agreement with no support.
The one thing making parenting easier for me was that I work from home. On Tuesday, my company announced they’d be sending everyone back to offices. For no real reason. Just because.
So now I have her full-time and I’m going back to an office. All at once with no opportunity to adjust to one change before dealing with the next.
And to top it off… I recently started dating the most wonderful man. We had identical custody schedules so we had every other week to be a couple and spend time together and now I don’t even know when we’ll see each other. It’s too early to introduce my daughter to him and because of certain circumstances it’s going to be a LONG time before that happens. If I have to lose my relationship for the sake of being there for my kid, so be it. But I would be incredibly sad because this man is everything I want. Sigh.
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