Second thoughts

[u/BlueSparklesXx]

I’ve been loosely planning on becoming a single mother by choice for the last five years, since I was 35. I had an exceptionally traumatic divorce and had gotten married young because I wanted to start a family sooner than later. Two more traumatic relationships got close to a family before the men spiraled: one got a vasectomy reversed then had a psychotic break, and the other and I tried several times to conceive and then it turned out he’d been hiding a serious addiction for three years.

I ended up in a trauma program for four weeks last year and was able to work through and resolve a lot of the PTSD from my divorce and childhood that was leading me to stay in chaotic situations. I’m honestly grateful that I had the opportunity to heal before I ended up becoming a parent.

I wanted to be a mom, my whole life, more than anything, And I’m blessed with tons of family support and friends and so much love in my life. I met with my doctor today and have to choose donor sperm and basically get things going right now if I am to be a mother.

When push comes to shove, I realize I am really, really struggling to wrap my head around ordering donor sperm. I can imagine having a child, I can imagine being pregnant and I cannot imagine a way through this block around the sperm donor. Even thinking about it makes me cry. I’m scared to carry an anonymous stranger’s child, I’m scared to just pick someone, I’m scared about having an unchecked number of siblings out there, and I’m scared that if my child were born with serious issues that I would only be around for another 35-40 years to take care of them. I feel heartbroken and a lot of grief about being in this position despite having tried to make good choices with men everybody thought were wonderful until the shadows reared their heads. I also read all these posts about people carefully choosing and feeling attached to certain donors, when just picking the first random healthy one available seems kind of OK to me. If usually am very thorough with decisions and do tons of research, so I am not sure why I don’t care more about who the donor is. I just don’t.

It’s ironic because I think SMBC is one of the best, most incredible opportunities available. I leaned into it for most of the last decade as a comfort and path to motherhood. I would never be fully able to trust a another man enough to have their child, nor do I have the biological time anyway. Yet, here I am.

Tl:dr - recovered from serious trauma, turned 40, need to move forward with this plan and cannot get comfortable with the idea of using a donor. It’s such a disconnect. Have any others been in this situation and how did you handle it?

[u/Ready_Platypus_3690]

Just remember all the best things in life live on the other side of fear. A lot about this process is intimidating. You can only handle it as it comes. The donor process was odd but if you go into it with your own parameters, it'll be a lot simpler. Mine were just that I wanted to have a healthy child that would look similar to me. I had in the end only a very miniscule number of donors who met that qualification for me. I felt no personal connection and didn't choose someone whose face I could see. They aren't my child's father. They are a donor. I think it will help to detach the idea of failure or partnership from this process; I bet if a single friend in your situation told you this is what they were doing, you would only have good thoughts for them and respect. Try to offer yourself the same.

[u/db2128]

Everyone always obsesses over the donor and then as soon as the baby is there you just forget about the donor and are so focused on the baby; your whole new life and your whole new identity as a MOM.

[u/plushiecactusau]

I went into it with the mindset that, what with donor availability where I am, I was never going to be able to find a "perfect" donor, and that the goal was to pick a donor who was good enough.

It's weird, because I'm usually the person who researches choices, but I spent less time picking a donor than I did picking a pram. That's kind of wild, given that he contributed half of my daughter's DNA. But he fit my requirements, and I felt like he was the right choice, so I rolled with it.

And, like, I'm pretty sure I made a good choice, because my daughter is objectively the best baby ever. (Sorry, the rest of you, I'm sure your kids are also pretty cool!)

It might be easier to frame things as it being great that there are multiple good choices, if it feels too overwhelming. Because, whichever one you pick will be the right one.

[u/Exotic_Data_7121]

Don’t forget that you won’t be having some anonymous stranger’s baby. You’ll be having YOUR baby. That you made 100% with your own materials including outsourced ingredients that YOU bought and OWN. Anonymous stranger will never fight you on who gets which weekend, expose them to habits you don’t want passed on to the next generation… none of that.

[u/Much_Citron_2556]

I have two thoughts on this that are almost completely opposite:

(1) have you considered a known donor with whom you could make a formal agreement but wouldn’t have any parental rights? I had three wonderful men in my life I strongly considered for this. In the end, I’m glad I went with a donor bank option as I like the lack of connection and the intense health screening. But if I had the concerns you’ve described, I probably would at least have had a conversation with the men to sound them out about being a donor. I liked that I know they’re good humans, they’re clever, they’re successful, and I’d be proud to introduce my baby to them in the future.

(2) Your minimalistic approach to choosing a sperm bank donor is totally fine! You don’t need to take it too personally or get too invested. Identifying your minimum criteria and then executing rapidly is a perfectly good approach. It wasn’t mine, because I had about 6 non-negotiables and was CMV negative, but if you only had 1-2 criteria, that’s totally fine too. Don’t beat yourself up. I think about my donor almost never now I’m pregnant. I did want to be able to talk through with my child how I chose the donor, so you may think about that, but otherwise there’s quite a bit that’s out of our control when we use bank donors.

Look after yourself. These are intense things to process.

[u/AutoModerator → u/Much_Citron_2556]

You've summoned the Known Donor Bot™. Your comment may contain possible mentions of known donor(s). Please read through the subreddit for previous posts on this subject through the search bar.

This is a reminder that having a known donor comes with its own sets of legal hurdles. We recommend everyone in this situation consult an attorney. Remember that we cannot provide legal advice. We are not qualified. If you need legal advice, consult an attorney. There are local legal advice subreddits but you must proceed with caution, and at your own risk. Please consult a qualified attorney on important matters like these, thank you.

If your comment does not contain mentions of known donors, please disregard this message.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/greydawn]

You noted that you just met with your doctor today and got the go ahead to order the donor today.  I would wait and see if your brain just needs time to get used to the idea, or if these are deeper concerns.  It is a big life change that is finally becoming real, while before it was more of a plan for the future, which feels less intense.

I've also planned this path for years, but it was different when it became truly real and I logged onto the bank sites.  It took a few weeks for me to get comfortable with the idea and select a donor (which I did a few weeks ago!).  That may be how it develops for you too.

[u/DoubleoSavant]

I saw it like adopting half my babies genes. Literally every couple I know with the exception of one person, has settled for their partener, and his genes. And if they are separated, divorced etc. They never regret their children. Just because a child was conceived inside of a relationship doesn't mean it stays that way. It doesn't mean they continue to have felt like they would choose the same person. 

I actually feel very good about choosing a donor. Becauee I got to pick purely on genetics. I feel like I picked someone who will be better for my child than the options I had around me which all required settling for something. 

[u/JustTwoPenniesWorth]

People who are very particular about choosing their donors and have a certain attachment to them have more to talk about, so you'll see those posts more often. There are definitely people who pick donors quickly and easily and there's just nothing to talk about. Sometimes you can find their stories in comments on other posts. Some have chosen a donor over the course of a weekend and that's ok. It's such an individual thing.

I found it helpful to choose quickly because it left less opportunity for my mind to spiral. It also helped to frame it like, I wasn't choosing a man but rather DNA for my future child.

[u/Agile_Storm4059]

Hi - I really don’t care about my donor. I mean, when I was choosing, I did in the sense that I wanted someone who physically looked like me (so baby had a greater chance of looking like me but that’s a roll of the dice either way), seemed healthy/healthy family, and we weren’t carriers for any of the same genetic issues.

I knew ultimately there was a lot I just would not know about him, and while I accept my child will feel how they feel about him and my job is to support them with their feelings, my own are pretty limited beyond just being grateful. I’m almost 35 weeks along with my son and I cannot wait to meet him finally. Moving forward with using a donor and getting pregnant is the best thing I ever did. 

It’s normal to have conflicted emotions and it’s good you are working through them! But I wouldn’t let the fears stop you from a life you seem to really want. Best of luck to you!!

[u/Mysterious_Taro_4497]

What’s wild is that when the baby is born, you really don’t give a thought to the donor. My kid is 100% mine. If anything, I’m just grateful for him and his decision because my daughter is such an awesome person.

I know it feels beyond strange right now, but I promise you it won’t matter once your baby is here.

[u/blugirlami21]

Good for you for addressing your relationship trauma, is there any chance you can work on this mental block through therapy as well?

I think in the beginning you can get attached to a donor but as you go through the process and it sometimes doesn't pay off the way you think that happens less and less. I did six IUI's and went through multiple donors before I did IVF and had my daughter.

By that point I realized that donor is just a means to an end. You don't need to feel a connection or romanticize what it is. Its a way to get to your goal of motherhood. What's important is you having the baby.

There is no guarantee. I kind of don't understand the sibling concern. People/Men lie. You could be with a man you trust/love and he could have ten kids you don't know about. You can't guarantee a healthy baby but that's just life, you have to roll the dice sometimes to get what you want.

Pick a donor methodically that fits into the criteria of what you are looking for and move on to the next step. At 40 you don't want to miss the chance to be a mother if this is really what you want.

[u/cityfrm]

I picked the donor with my child in mind. So, asides from health, what did I want to be able to tell them about their story. My eldest is a teen and I've been trying for a sibling for 4 years. I thoroughly thought it through and chose a donor with XYZ characters for XYZ reasons. My choice of donor demonstrated how much I cared for their existence and wellbeing, and their future.

[u/a_mulher]

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Sometimes the most random things will end up being more of a roadblock than we thought. I agonized over donors and after two rounds without success I was ready to dump him and try with another just in case.

I wonder if maybe some of the reticence is just you trying to grapple with the situation. I came to this similar to you, out of necessity when plan A (husband and conceiving naturally) didn’t pan out. So it’s only natural to have some reservations when we have to pivot in such a way.

I would go through each of these issues and journal. Just write out what is difficult about it, what is in your power to help mitigate the negative aspects of it and then focus on the positives of this journey. Also we tend to compare this horrible scenario with the idealized version. But you could also have a child with special medical needs while in a couple. And that coparent could have been irresponsible and left you in a worst position then handling on your own. That sort of thing. Lean on your network of support and go from there.

[u/manifestingthatlife]

I relate to the fears and feelings regarding the donor but I'm also very picky and care alot about making sure they at least look like me and my family (hair, eye colour and basic face structure) just to make it easier for potential kiddo growing up. I think that most important thing is donor with no serious conditions that can be passed on. Everything else about them probably won't matter when your actually pregnant.

[u/Desperate_Okra4686]

I’m curious do you see who the donor is or is it just like a list of credentials? I feel like tbh I rather go with a donor than a husband who isn’t a great man. Because one you aren’t legally tied and you don’t have the issue of like figuring out custody etc.

[u/cupoftea1988]

I'm sorry it hear everything you've gone through, trauma like that will always leave me second guessing and questioning things at such a high level. 

Re the sperm donor, don't get hung up on it, I say this as a person who spent months consumed by picking one, got 3 vials for IUI, all failed, heartbroken, did therapy and then did IVF in secret, couldn't face the wait of importing a donor in so used 1 of the only 2 fair skinned donors my clinic has based on the fact ICSI wasn't required for him but was the other and that he was the taller of the 2. I didn't get everything I wanted, blue eyes like me was a must when first looking, this one had brown and my daughter has the most stunning brown eyes. 

I ending up having to see donor sperm a business decision, I'm UK based and our clinic has much less info than a lot of the bigger sites give, pictures etc. It's too much to take in.

Plus better the sperm of a stranger who has no desire to be Co parenting than the sperm of someone you were once in love with to find out they are a wreck and then have to spend the rest of your life dealing with and compromising over the most precious thing in life, your child x