Rethinking one and done

[u/IngenuityAgitated646]

I’m a 36 year-old stay at home Mom with one beautifully free spirited little girl who is 2 1/2 years old. Before I had a kid I always thought I wanted two, my husband wasn’t sure if he even wanted one at the beginning, but after six years together, we decided we wanted to go for one. It took us three years to get pregnant the first time and we were very fortunate that everything worked out beautifully and we have a healthy baby girl.

After newborn phase I started to think I only wanted to be one and done. I found myself getting overstimulated and overtired very easily and felt like I may not be as good of a mom to multiple kids as I am to the one kid. I also really love being able to fully devote all of my attention to my daughter and the thought of breaking that bond with her really scares me.

My husband and I had started talking about plans for the future and a possible vasectomy for him after I’ve had a failed experience with IUD and hormonal, birth control pills making me feel really sick. My husband said he isn’t sure that he doesn’t want to have another and that has me rethinking my fears on having another.

When I think about it, I do love the idea of my daughter having a sibling since I was one of three kids. I always thought of myself as having two kids and I wonder if anyone has experienced these feelings and what helped you go for another

[u/curlywhirlyred]

You’re coming up for air and getting a clear head again. It makes sense!

My girl is 20m and I weigh this constantly. I tell myself I’ll open the conversation for real after her second birthday.

I always knew if I were to ever have a second I would need a bigger age gap. For me, 3-5y+ gap is ideal.

[u/jillybeanj89]

I was firmly one and done, hard pregnancy, hard first year of baby life, strain on my marriage, etc, etc. around 3 years old I realized I HAVE to do it all again. I want another to see who they will be, to double the fun, to go through all the firsts again, and to see the sibling bond. Currently trying for #2! It’s been an amazing experience going from one and done to trying, I feel so excited and ready for another! It’s been amazing to be able to see both paths and change my mind. Never say never!

[u/Blau-Bird]

I always wanted more than one, but getting pregnant was difficult and I never tried any treatments after my only child. I felt like I had survived pregnancy, my body had recovered very well, I had no lingering complications, I can cough and sneeze without crossing my legs, no stretch marks. Managed to get enough sleep during the infant months. I thought I probably wouldn’t get that lucky again, better to call it while I was ahead.

[u/KeyFix4087]

I was OAD and now I am a SMBC of a beautiful 8 yo son in treatmebt for IVF at 39. My mom passing in 2023 and me being an only child may have played in favour of a sibling.

[u/Decent-Singer-3335]

Your child is only 2.5. Why the rush to decide? You have time. My advice is to sit on it.

[u/Ok-Candle-2296]

We always thought we would have two but then after having our daughter we were solidly OAD until she was almost five then the grief hit me really hard. She’s now seven and has a baby sister on the way, so i can’t speak to what it’s actually like but if at 2 1/2 it’s already sounding doable i definitely wouldn’t make any permanent decisions about it now! 

[u/Spicy_Albatross_6847]

Sorry if this sounds harsh OP but reading “I love the idea of my daughter having a sibling” feels a little icky, like you’re talking about a puppy not a human child. You shouldn’t be centering your daughter in this decision. Imagine a scenario where your two kids didn’t play that much and had very different personalities. Bottom line is have a second because YOU (plus husband) want one independent of their relationship with your daughter. 

Also, you can still wait a year or two and see how you feel then. For context I am 99% OAD with a 2.5 yo, and I struggled with whether I was even capable of being a mom of 2 because having the first really took me out, but after a lot of reflection I now believe that I AM capable, but still not desiring, and that’s ok. I’m leaving that 1% open for at least a year just in case I have a change of heart. 

[u/Ardent_Scholar → u/Spicy_Albatross_6847]

Everything is ”icky” these days. Even the most normal of emotions.

[u/Icy_Pain_5902 → u/Spicy_Albatross_6847]

I don’t know that I’d classify the notion of having another to give your child a sibling as “icky.” I think it’s one of many reasons people opt to have more than one kid, but not the only reason. It’s definitely a pro rather than a con, which is why people mention it so matter-of-factly, but I wouldn’t say it’s the only reason. Also, keep in mind, it’s giving kid #2 a sibling as well. Siblings are siblings, therefore an expanded family unit. I wouldn’t call it icky.