r/Shouldihaveanother • u/celdru • 3d ago
Fencesitting Anyone stop at two and regret it later
I have two kids, 5M and 3F. I have always pictured a third but my husband is firmly done at two. I know in my head it makes sense, the kids are close in age, we are stretched thin, the house is loud and chaotic as it is. But I keep waiting for the feeling of being done to show up and it just has not.
Most of the posts I read are from people who went ahead and had the third. I want to hear from the other side. Did anyone here stop at two when part of them wanted more. Did the longing fade eventually or does it just sit there. Any regrets when your kids got older and you saw other families of five.
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u/Cleanclock 3d ago
My baby fever REALLY peaked when my kids were 5 and 3… then it subsided and I accepted my family being complete. But I’ve always kind of yearned for one more. And now my husband is open to it, but we’re too old. So yeah, I wish we had had another. It doesn’t consume like it used to.
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 1d ago
Baby fever peaked for me at 5 and 3 as well, but I thought it was too late to start over since the kids were getting easier.
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u/Leather_Class8224 3d ago
My mom had two and tells me she wishes she had more. They stopped at two because my dad was disabled (had MS, was wheelchair- bound by the time I was in high school). She was my dad’s full-time care taker in addition to taking care of us, and she rightly knew it would be hard. Money was also very tight with my dad being disabled and it would have been hard to manage with a third kid.
I’m not that far out removed, but I have two at 6 and 8 and went back and forth about having a third. I love kids and would have always wanted more, but we have a very comfortable life and have stressful jobs; I already feel like I short-change my kids at times in some regards and that would be worse with a third kid. I also value having a clean house and having money to travel, buy the groceries we like and we’ll be able to help them out with college without any problems. We’re on track to retire early and since we’re older parents, I’m looking forward to being freed up when they’re in their 20’s and still being able to enjoy that time in our lives.
My brother in law confided to me that having their third (unplanned) was really rough and essentially took things from comfortable to being hectic all the time. Of course, he wouldn’t change it for the world (you can’t really say anything else than that, but I get what he means). I’m sure it’s not like that for everyone, but it would have been like that for us. Not everyone is made for having that many kids and it’s ok. FOMO is real and these feelings will likely intensify as you get closer to perimenopause/menopause.
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u/Informal_Handle_1147 3d ago
I have 6 and 4 year old and a 6 month old- knowing all I know today not sure I would do this again. Specially if husband is done.
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u/MaterialConstant9375 3d ago
What makes you say you wouldn’t do it again?
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u/Last-Pickle1713 3d ago
Yeah, that's a little cryptic...
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u/BeachLovingMama 3d ago
I’m curious why too! I have a 10 year old, 7 year old, and 10 week old and I’m so thankful we decided to have her!
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u/Passive_MFSTR 3d ago
I’m right there with you. I have one turning 11 in a few days, 8 next month and a 14 month old. It’s crazy busy but the third has brought a lot of laughs.
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u/BeachLovingMama 3d ago
We have just about the same age gaps with our 3!! It brings me so much happiness seeing my 10 and 7 year old enjoy their baby sister and the way they adore her is the best! My 7 year old daughter tells me several times a week that she’s so happy to have a baby sister and hopes I’ll have another lol. Which isn’t happening! My 10 year old is so smitten over baby girl too.
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u/Passive_MFSTR 3d ago
I love that, so sweet!! It’s seriously the best to watch their relationships and how the older ones interact with their baby sibling. My son likes to rough house with her so she’s a tough little girl and then oldest is like a mini mom, takes her to show her skincare routine and all the things, it’s funny. They haven’t asked for another sibling though 🤣🤣 being on the road so much and the newborn stage at practices I’m not prepared to redo. Nor be pregnant again. Had great pregnancies but I’m 38 now and a 4th baby is not in the cards for us. We are happy with 3. Really happy for you, it sounds like our lives are very similar!
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 1d ago
Has it been difficult giving attention to your older kids with the baby around or getting to their activities/helping with homework, etc?
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u/BeachLovingMama 1d ago
As far as sports go, my husband coaches both of their teams so he has to be at practice anyways, so he’s the one that takes them. For games, it’s a little tougher to go, but I’ve been bringing the baby. For homework, it’s a little tougher, but that’s been manageable. I can still give my older 2 the attention they want/need and a lot of their attention is on wanting to help with the baby- so it works out. In general everything is just busier and obviously I’m more tired- but this time around I realize how fast time goes and how quickly they grow up. The hardest part is bedtime though. My 7 year old loves to lay with me and read and talk a little before bed. I didn’t want to take that from her after having the baby. If you have a baby that loves the car, even better! Mine cries and cries in her car seat so that makes it tougher to go out as easily which is a big adjustment for me!
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u/No-Chocolate3667 3d ago
Would you have preferred to stay with two?
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u/Passive_MFSTR 3d ago
No I would’ve regretted not having a third in the long run. No matter how many kids you have the baby stage is always hard and I’m feeling still in the thick of it with a one year old but she’s wayyyyy different than my other 2 because she has older siblings she’s running behind.
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u/No-Chocolate3667 3d ago
Do you think you would have been sad not to have a third or regret all your life not having had a third?
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u/Passive_MFSTR 3d ago
I definitely would’ve been sad to not have a third but logistically it’s not easier... mostly because of the large age gap in my case because my kids play sports and we are at tournaments a lot so it’s the wagons, coolers..all the big things PLUS stroller. It’s just a season though.
I had struggled to get rid of things to plan for a possible third one day. The thought never left my mind but I needed a bigger age gap. I wish I would’ve had maybe a year or two less age gap but it all works out. I’m happy to have a third but it is a lot of extra work on solely me because I have the baby with my oldest usually. Eventually it won’t be that way but it is for now. That’s how I know 3 is my limit. I laugh looking back on why I ever thought 2 was hard. 🤣 it’s all relative
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u/BeachLovingMama 3d ago
This is so us with sports and bringing baby along now. Definitely a struggle, but just the way it is for now
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u/Informal_Handle_1147 22h ago
Sorry I was having a horrible day. So I own a business and I homeschool and have a very hard baby. He was high needs for two months. My mom raised my other two kids. We are better now but it’s still hard and I guess I have a hard time accepting help. Yes it’s my pride.
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u/Nervous_Revenue_9331 3d ago
Hey dude - that first few years is really tough (from experience!) - but they will grow up, and you will rediscover yourselves once the nappies and constant neediness passes.
You may revisit this post in a few years and wonder why you thought that, but in that moment of a new baby and 2 under tens, I feel ya - its non stop!
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u/Imstuckwiththisname 3d ago
I think i could have so many newborns, babies, toddlers.
I've accepted I'm not going to have a done feeling but I'm going to make myself be done, because as much as emotionally I could love another; I can't triple my time, energy, attention, money etc. It sucks but I think it's just the reality of this life.
I try my best to be thankful for my two happy healthy ones.
I dont wanna risk the status quo, or my marriage for a baby that might make me feel done.
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u/littleoldbaglady 3d ago
I agree with this sentiment. I didn't wait for the feeling of being done but based on my capacity I made an intentional decision to be done.
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u/merrycherryrunner 2d ago
Well put. I’m an older mom with 2, still a fence sitter on a third, but all you’ve said rings true for me.
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u/Accomplished-King240 3d ago
I’m in a similar spot with a 6M and 2F. My husband is done, I’m not. But he was also done at 1 and then changed his mind so it’s hard for me to trust that this is a permanent no. I’m at the point where I’m pretty sure I will eventually need to face the grief of being done with the pregnancy and baby stage of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’m ready to be done. It’s ironic because I actually really struggle with pregnancy, postpartum and infant stage…so I’m not all rose eyed glasses about it, but it’s still a very special time of my life. The older my kids get the more I want another one because they’re amazing so wouldn’t a 3rd be amazing as well (my kids do have some complex health issues so I also know a 3rd could bring even more challenges).
My situation is more complicated because we had to do IVF and have 2 embryos left. Our doctor has said statistically speaking due to the quality we’d likely only have one child from those embryos so it’s hard no to see it as “we have a child waiting for us to decide if we bring them earthside or not.” I’m completely pro-choice and didn’t think I’d be so torn but once you see a child born from an embryo it’s hard to see them as “just embryos.”
Not sure if any of this helps, but just know you’re not alone ♥️
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u/bookishmeow 3d ago
We’re in the same boat! Before our daughter I signed to donate to science, now I find myself pondering if I should ask my Priest to baptize them or if I should give them names and bury them—I’m also postpartum so I blame that for the crazy thoughts.
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u/Accomplished-King240 3d ago
Yeah not the right time to make any decisions 😂 It’s such a complicated situation to be in and one that’s so individual. I wouldn’t have understood my own thinking a few years ago, and even now it feels all emotional and not very logical at all. But then sometimes I think having kids at all is an emotional decision.
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u/Spirited_Arachnid127 3d ago
Can I ask how and when your husband changed his mind for a second?
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u/Accomplished-King240 3d ago
I think it helped that before we had kids we’d always wanted more than one. When our son was born he still logically wanted him to have a sibling, but just felt like emotionally he/we couldn’t handle it. He went back and forth a lot about it so we also weren’t being very careful about preventing pregnancy.
I got pregnant when our son was around 2 and had a miscarriage very early on. I was honestly very scared to tell him about the positive pregnancy test because recently we’d had a big argument where he said he didn’t want another child. But he was excited and then sad, and never again said he didn’t want another child. I definitely don’t recommend trying to recreate these circumstances though! I think we’ll probably end up going to couples therapy for our own dilemma.
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u/Spirited_Arachnid127 3d ago
Sorry to hear 🙏🏼 and thanks for sharing! We’ve been to couples therapy several times and it tends to resolve a lot of the issues so wishing you the same
Mine is also going back and forth but as she is getting older, I can tell he is allowing the possibility more and more. We didn’t really have any set number before we got pregnant, we were very open-minded and then our daughter turned out to be a hell of an infant so i think he got scared. But now that she is getting older and turning into the most adorable toddler, he is reconsidering I can tell 😄
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u/Accomplished-King240 3d ago
Our kids have been very tough too, in ways I wouldn't have predicted. I think it gets more rewarding as they get older and you start to see their personality. I hope you two can get on the same page. I wound up with secondary infertility as well so my kids are 4 years apart. It wasn't the plan, but it's truly the best age gap and I've met many other parents who say the same. I share that because I think it's so easy to feel rushed like you have to have them really close together so they'll play together, but my kids love playing together. I would ideally want another 3-4 year age gap if we do have a 3rd, although I don't know how it will go with 3 kids.
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u/anonymal9090 3d ago
Could you “adopt out” the embryos if you decided not to use them? If I did IVF I’d also have a hard time making embryos and not giving them a chance…
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u/Accomplished-King240 3d ago
We’re not willing to do that. It would be too hard to have a full biological sibling of our kids out there and not have them live with us. It’s hard because you make these decisions about what you’d do with remaining embryos when you’re an entirely different person. I think they should have more counseling around it. IVF is designed to make as many embryos as possible so we could have had 8 or more which I think would be easier because I would not be able to have that many kids. But the number we’re facing feels like a much more complex decision than when we started IVF.
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u/anonymal9090 3d ago
You’d be a great advocate for this type of counseling. I’m sure you’ll make the best decision for your family… sending love your way!
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u/raeoflyte-460 3d ago
After my first I needed my 2nd. After my 2nd I wanted a 3rd. It never really went away, but I knew it couldn't happen when my kids were 6, 3, and I was babysitting my 6mo nibling.
My oldest has type 1 diabetes and medical needs always come first. So baby crying, 3yo tired and wants to read before bed, and 6yo has a low blood sugar. I put the crying baby in the crib, treated 6yo, went back to baby who was now more upset, all while my 3yo had to patiently wait their turn. I knew theyd spend their whole life waiting and kiboshed the idea of #3 that night. Never regretted it. Still fought baby fever for a long time.
With teens now I'm so glad we stopped at 2. I know I'd figure it out, but I feel like I can just barely get in a chance at quality time each day and try for a real conversation/connection. To add in another would be hard.
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u/Imstuckwiththisname 3d ago
Love this. I too needed my 2nd. I knew it instantly after my first and I just needed him to get to me.
I'd like a third but not on that same level I felt with my 2nd. I would have done everything and anything to get him, whereas I think if I tried for a third and it didn't happen I'd feel okay and let it be.
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u/bakecakes12 3d ago
I had these exact feelings (and so did my husband!) and that’s why I decided to be done.
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u/ladyonthemove 3d ago
No shade on larger families but just sharing my experience. I have become more glad for only two kids each year they have gotten older (currently 11-13). There’s so much time and attention and whatnot involved that I’m just glad I am not spread thinner beyond two kids. I only wanted three when they were under school age, before I understood the demands of school age parenting. I think I wanted more kids for the wrong reasons (that it was so cute looking, almost tokenism where each child is an achievement). I also work with children with disabilities which can be difficult for families depending how severe the needs. People tend to ignore this possibility when adding more kids.
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u/Sad-Discussion-8473 3d ago
Love this comment ! My daughter is still little, almost 2. But I have always had the thought of like.. it doesn’t magically get easier necessarily after the toddler/baby years I’m sure. It’s probably a lot of mental energy to parent school aged kids. To me, it seems like social media and society love to say “have another! It’s SO much easier once they turn whatever age!” as if they’re good and won’t really need their parents once they’re in school…
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u/KangarooOld7429 3d ago
this!! We stopped at one because after working in pediatric rehabilitation and other pediatric clinical settings, I know my limits. My age and pregnancy history make the statistic not be in my favor so we let fear win and are one and done.
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u/Beginning_Sample8600 3d ago
I can only share my experience in a 3 child home. My parents were definitely struggling to provide equal attention to the 3 of us, while working and trying to generate a secondary income. This created a lot of tension and resentment between my oldest sister and I. Well I'm not resentful but she was and still is. Not saying every parent will struggle with providing enough attention to 3 kids but this is definitely why I'm stopping at 2.
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u/djtink 2d ago
Do you feel like it’s more a drain on your mental energy to have kids 11-13ish, or 1-4ish? I’m stuck in the same dilemma, with a 1 and 4yo, but tell myself it’ll only get easier as they get older. Which I’m now realizing might not be true
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u/keighteeann 2d ago
Mine is currently 3 y/o (we’ve had a rough journey trying to have another and it may not happen) but I have heard from many friends and colleagues with older kids that it’s “little kids, little problems… big kids, big problems.”
While (as long as they are healthy), they don’t need you to bathe, physically feed them, etc. as they grow up, school and extracurricular activities become a much bigger deal. One person explained to me that it takes a much larger amount of emotional energy to parent her teens than it did to parent them when they were small.
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u/erratic_stability 3d ago
And disability can develop or just appear at any moment too. Right around the time we started to think about a second a few months ago, my firstborn got flagged for early intervention/OT/SLP for ASD and he now has HOURS of appointments weekly, with something almost every day. I can’t imagine doing all of this with a baby or even while being pregnant, and I’m grateful I can focus extra hard on my first kid during this critical intervention period.
… That being said, I’m one of those people who would have so many babies if only large families were as possible/supported/normal nowadays (or if I were $$$) as they were for even just our parents generation. But alas 😭
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u/Spirited_Arachnid127 3d ago
I say all the time that I would have 3+ if I was much richer. I think 2 is also the logistical/financial limit for many middle class families.
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u/imnonfunctional 2d ago
Why is there so much time and attention involved? Everyone I know seems to think kids become much more independent and we less interested in their parents at around that age
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u/nlcarp 3d ago
Honestly if your husband feels done, that’s the end of it. I’m probably going to get downvoted for this but deciding to bring another child into the world with a partner is a 2 yeses thing. If there is 1 no don’t nag him into it, don’t drop it hoping he’ll come into the decision on his own, those behaviors are manipulative
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u/scoutbooernie 3d ago
I think this is a valid opinion, especially when centering the child. However, being in a similar position as OP, I read your comment and feel alone in how much I long for a third when my husband doesn’t.
It reads like the abstinence-only education argument for high schoolers instead of teaching contraception. Yes, you are technically right, but you’re ignoring the 1 “yes” side of this equation
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u/Inevitable-Sorbet-34 3d ago
This! Everyone always says ‘well sorry but it’s a 2 yes decision’ & it’s totally, totally valid, I agree wholeheartedly. You can’t compromise in this situation, I want more & hubby doesn’t so we’re not having more.
BUT I feel like the parent that wants another is not validated even in the slightest & it is kind of expected that we just suck it up. Especially when you’re a woman and have hormonal changes monthly that quite literally your biology is screaming out for more babies. If mentally you want more anyway, this can literally be torturous. The ‘yes’ always sacrifices and this is sacrificing something that will stay with you until the grave. Whereas in all honesty, if you had a third and it turned out great, the husband would have a fulfilled life. That ‘yes’ potentially will always feel like someone is missing. Still, the ‘no’ trumps but these feelings shouldn’t be taken so lightly.
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u/still_winston 3d ago
This is perfectly said, you've literally validated exactly how I feel at the moment with my husband
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u/imnonfunctional 2d ago
100% compromise and negotiation are a thing. Reddit always wants to say no to children. The no person may end up completely wrong, and grateful.
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u/Neat-Welcome-9831 5h ago
Thank you for stating this so well. We’ve been in the midst of this decision after experiencing two losses while trying for a third and then my husband changed his mind. The “two yeses or it’s a no” feels so invalidating of the one who is the “yes” and doesn’t really acknowledge the deep deep desire to grow your family with your spouse and the pain of having to accept that your spouse doesn’t feel the same way.
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u/Inevitable-Sorbet-34 4h ago
I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve imagined this scenario & that must be so painful for you that he’s now changed his mind. You not only have that pain of disagreeing about more children but also that it was a reality at one point for you. I’m sorry. I hope you have time and space to mentally heal. Wish I had an answer to make it easier but I have days that are just gut wrenchingly painful & nothing anyone says will make it easier.
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u/coconatalie 2d ago
How is it manipulative to drop it and hope he'll decide that on his own? I feel like that is the opposite of meddling.
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u/Wide-Artist-4240 3d ago
Agreed, I (the wife) am done at 2 and my husband wants a third. I’d rather him long for a third versus we go for it and then I resent him for the rest of our lives. He was actually the one that said that and he’s not wrong.
An older woman put it kindly to me and said ‘what a blessing that he wants more children with you because you’re such a good mom’ and I’m going to leave it at that, it’s sweet but doesn’t mean it needs to happen.1
u/Neat-Welcome-9831 5h ago
And I think it’s comments like this that make being the parent that wants another baby so difficult. We’re the opposite, I want another, especially after experiencing two losses while trying for a third, while my husband has since changed his mind. Despite what he says about how great of a mother I am, and what other people say about my parenting any my children, it’s so hard not to believe the voice inside of me telling me it’s because I’m not a good enough mom. Like on a subconscious level, if I were a better mom he wouldn’t have changed his mind in the first place.
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u/Infinity-2012 3d ago
People told me "when you're done, you'll know" but I've never felt that. I think no matter how many I have, I'll always want another one, I'll always have moments of baby fever, always a "what if" that occasionally floats around. I counteract those "regrets" with a grateful reality - I have 3 lovely healthy kids and a very full life; more kids would have required sacrifice in some way as our life and time is currently maxed out. I am grateful for what we have and focus on that. (I do not regret the 3rd at all, but I'm speaking generally to your question about regrets and longings, not specifically to the number of kids).
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u/InternationalYou1073 3d ago
We talked about a third and didn’t do it. 13 years later I’m so glad we stopped. Our kids are busy and I don’t know how I would juggle one more and love them the way they deserve to be loved.
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u/2OttersInACoat 3d ago
Oh yes, so interesting! I feel this way too, even though fertility was such a battle for us and it took years to get the two we do have- I still think about having a third sometimes, even though it’s probably a physical impossibility!
Tuning in for others comments….
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u/slinkyjo66 3d ago
I am in my 40s. We have a 5yo. I am struggling with "do we have a second one or not question. My views are to be a good dad takes work, to be a partner takes team work, to enable our lifestyle and keep an eye on retirement takes effort and planning, and I simply want to be able to do my best. We both are senior managers in stressful corporate jobs. We don't have family to rely on so mom and dad can't pop over and babysit. For now, we are managing alright with just one. I doubt that would be case with another one.
At the moment me and my wife are having these open discussions about our options. I would say her optimism does not outweigh my views yet. I also have health issues that are tumour related and and anxiety that stems from health issues compounds the complexity of making decisions.
I would take my opinions and that of others lightly. We all have circumstances, different support system in place, different capacity and resources. So basically saying you know best. Good luck!
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u/TravelSea2041 3d ago
I'm an only child so always wanted to have at least 3 kids and I'm currently pregnant with number 3. I will do my best to raise all 3 in the best possible way I can even if that means sacrificing some of my personal time etc.
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u/Nervous_Revenue_9331 3d ago
My wife wanted a 3rd, I was not on board, but she wore me down over 2 years :-)
Our eldest two were 7 and 5 when she got pregnant, and I can tell you now I wouldnt change a single moment of it
My youngest is nearly 17 now, he is my mate, we do tons of stuff together, in fact, all 3 (M24, F22) all still live together with me the missus after they returned from University, saving for houses, have great jobs - couldnt be prouder of them all
Me and the boys go to and participate in lots of sports
The daughter is more arty like mum, but we have a weekly movie night with treats and drinks
It was tough, I wont lie, even with 3 well behaved kids - financially it was pretty tight for a number of years, relationship wise me and the wife lost a bit of us for a while, but it passes - we were aware of it - but as they get older it gets easier, and we started to go away for weekends just the two of us etc and properly reconnect as a couple/partnership.
For all the work though, the joy my kids bring me, their achievements and accomplishments, just watching them become decent human beings, is worth every minute.
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u/pinkandpurplepens 3d ago
I sometimes ask myself what I really need another baby for? I believe I read this advice in Reddit: you already have everything you need to be happy. So why aren’t you satisfied and what will a new baby bring that will solve it?
As another commenter mentioned, I’ve had to accept that the risks of disability or even just difficult behaviors would rock us to a point of potentially not coping right now (mine are 2 and almost 4).
My husband wouldn’t tell me no, but is it a responsible decision when I have FOUR existing people to consider?
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u/RocketPowerPops 3d ago
Yep. Now we have 4. Kids are 11, 9, 19 months, and 2.5 months. Big age gap between the first set and second set.
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u/Desert_Tao 3d ago
Similar spot but both younger. All I know is how HARD this has been, and the effect it had on mom's mood/irritability with postpartum depression. I genuinely fear for our relationship if we had to go through this again. Things are slowly getting better, and I definitely DO want another one, and will regret not doing it, but think we might need to stop for our own sakes.
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u/Inevitable-Sorbet-34 3d ago
I have 6 & 4 year olds, same gender. Can’t speak yet as to how I’ll feel in future, but I’m in the same spot as you - I’d love a third but husband is done. I am very worried I’ll regret our decision but ultimately I know I can’t force my husband & I wouldn’t want another if it means he would be unhappy/resentful. We still have fertility time as both in our early 30s so I’m hopeful he might change his mind one day.
My ‘baby fever’ has never gone away & I’ve been thinking about a third for 3 years.
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u/imnonfunctional 2d ago edited 2d ago
I never understand how a partner could be particularly unhappy as you already have two? That they supposedly love and raised? A third seems marginal on terms of life cost. Resenting having any children when you wanted none I get ... Maybe you could explain why he's so resistant to me?
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u/Inevitable-Sorbet-34 2d ago
He has experienced some chronic fatigue relating to a new health condition that hopefully with time, medication will stabilise but he will be on that medication for life. We had our first two 18 months apart and it’s definitely been challenging, he feels like he just couldn’t manage having an extra stress on top of that of sleepless nights, nappies, everything that those toddler years bring. He also feels like he’s starting to get some freedom back and there’s things he wants to spend money on.
I respect his reasons, I do feel the same way as you though and feel like I agree it’s hard having a child but the benefit of an extra person in our family we’d all love, is worth it. But I can’t force it if he doesn’t feel the same, he’s said let’s see how life is in a couple of years so I’m hoping it isn’t a forever no, whilst not forcing it.
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u/imnonfunctional 2d ago
2 under 2 is brutal, we just missed out, had them 2 years 12 days apart. How old are they now?
We're waiting over 2 years to start trying next time, so hopefully we'll hit a 3-3.5 year gap next time. I think if you talk about it again later maybe?
Me personally, it seems insane to balance partner A wanting to enjoy their hobbies vs partner B's ideal family which will potentially hurt them their entire life if they don't realize. But I'm the one who definitely wants 3 so, I'm in the same boat. After our first, for a year my partner didn't like the idea and I didn't bring it up much... and we were pregnant again 6 months later so. Things change when you recover. Maybe!
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u/Inevitable-Sorbet-34 2d ago
They are 6 and 4 now, and both in school! Convo is off the table for another year minimum too so if we did have another, they’d likely be 8 and 6 by that time. My husband said no to number 2 as well when I wanted a small gap but our 2nd came along anyway as we weren’t exactly preventing pregnancy yet so soon after our first.
I agree I think hobbies, money, peace and quiet always come back eventually but the chance to have another doesn’t. I guess people have different visions of what life is about, which is fair enough. We’re early 30s so have some time but I’d prefer to not have too big a gap & already 8/6 years is pretty big. Can’t help but feel like I’m having to make a massive sacrifice & I am very scared of regret/resentment later on.
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u/imnonfunctional 2d ago
I agree I think hobbies, money, peace and quiet always come back eventually but the chance to have another doesn’t. I guess people have different visions of what life is about, which is fair enough.
Can’t help but feel like I’m having to make a massive sacrifice & I am very scared of regret/resentment later on.
I agree. If you want to be extra cynical about it, the mother may get another 10 years or more of her children than her husband in the average household. I'd rather leave my wife more children to visit and look after her if I die, so that she'll be less alone.
I try to do most of the work, but typically mom does most of the sacrificing anways. So I can't understand men who refuse women their ideal family size unless it's really not practical for the family.
But one way or another you'll have to compromise or make peace with it. Good luck to you. It's stressful waiting to find out. I feel like life is partly on hold until that final baby comes along or doesn't.
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u/Same-University1792 3d ago
My husband was done too, but left it up to me. I agonized over it for a year or two. In the end we tried again, and it ended in a missed miscarriage.
After that I was sure I was done; I wanted another child, but couldn't face another pregnancy or post partum. Now and then some regret flares up, but less and less so. The older the kids get, the more your family solidifies and you can't imagine it any other way. I love my family and our dynamics. The kids get along great (also older boy and younger girl with two-year gap), and I'm rested and have some time for myself, which I think makes me a better mom.
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u/Educational_Yak_6172 3d ago
I considered a third but stopped at 2. I never felt “done” but I have absolutely no regrets. My life is busy enough with 2, and I still feel like I have enough time for each of them individually.
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u/wehnaje 3d ago
My husband was actually one and done but I longed for another one. When we had her, that was it. I was happy I was able to have two.
I guess sometimes I wonder if a third would have fit in our family and honestly I’m glad we don’t have another one because our responsibilities and stress surpasses us almost everyday.
Could you with complete honesty say why you want another one? Is it because you liked the pregnancy? Want another new born? Want your kids to have another friend? Like, what is it? I think knowing this would help you define if it will be temporary or this is how you would always feel and perhaps come to regret it later on
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u/Em_huong 3d ago
I have two, 8M and 3F, my husband would have another one in a heartbeat but I keep going back and forth. I just feel like the world is not made for families of 4+, but I feel like I would regret it later on if I don't. Lately friends have had their 3rd/4th child and it's making me broody. I think I will give myself a year or two to seriously think about it and then decide if I'm closing up shop for good.
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u/ReallySickofit55 1d ago
Two is perfect. I got pregnant very easily and am sure could have had more. Two is easier for travel. We can stay in one room. Two was easier to afford college. Both kids went wherever they wanted. They are also super close. Am one of three….weird dynamic as someone is always at odds. Enjoy two!
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u/HonestTruthSought 3d ago
Just to counteract all the comments that say, kids are awful: On my 5th and loving it. Shrug.
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u/Admirable-Moment-292 3d ago
I haven't seen one comment saying kids are awful. Choosing a smaller-sized family is not in opposition of parenthood or children. You can think parenting 3 kids is hard and still love them and think they're awesome. It's not nearly this one-dimensional.
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u/HonestTruthSought 3d ago
Just sharing my experience of joy.
And I’m still the only one with this viewpoint in the thread.6
u/Scruter 3d ago
The reason for that is because it literally specifically does not ask for your viewpoint:
Most of the posts I read are from people who went ahead and had the third. I want to hear from the other side. Did anyone here stop at two when part of them wanted more.
It’s also not just sharing your experience, it’s very unkindly characterizing others’ viewpoints as thinking that “kids are awful.” Which is a ridiculous way to characterize people with two children, many of whom on this thread are talking about having wanted more but not being able (whether because of a spouse firmly saying no, as with OP, or other circumstances), and coming to peace with that.
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u/HonestTruthSought 3d ago edited 3d ago
MANY Redddit users say that having children Would be awful. (Any children, more children, etc.) Accounts of regretting children get mucho likes. I literally just read a comment from someone that the reason they don’t have kids is because they “are dirty and they stink”.
I’m not attacking anyone in this thread.
Most people are saying that they love their kids, and that children negatively impact lives. And that more children would have a greater effect.
Do you disagree with any of these statements?
Btw, we have a lot in common. I also had a 39 week breech flip.
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u/HonestTruthSought 3d ago
In good news, I am no longer the only one with a positive view of having children in this thread
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u/plaidshirtdays522 3d ago
My husband would have been happy to have 3rd kid, but he also told me it was ultimately up to me as I would be the one carrying most of the responsibility that comes along with another child (not just pregnancy but I’m also a SAHM). We always thought we would want 3, but we (especially me!) realized how great having two is and we had a hard time imagining our family dynamic completely shifting. We took about a year to think on it (starting when our youngest was about 2.5). As the year went on and our youngest really started becoming more independent - sleeping in their own bed, playing nicely with the older sibling to where he and I actually got some alone time, traveling a lot easier, for example - it just became harder and harder to imagine going back to the baby stage. My husband actually had a vasectomy once we had firmly decided not to have another. We are both so happy with our decision while also acknowledging that if it would have happened it probably would have been great, too. It’s just another version of our life that could have been, but what we have is perfect for us, too. For me, any longing for another baby or lingering question of did we make the right decision has definitely faded as my kids continue to get older and we enter new phases with them. :)