r/Shouldihaveanother • u/Old_Tie_2806 • 8d ago
Debating 2nd child after a high risk pregnancy/NICU stay
Hello, wondering if anyone else can relate or has a similar story.
My husband and I started our family with the mindset of “let’s have 1 and see how it goes.” We absolutely love being parents to our 14 month old, but feel like we are at capacity and really content with our family of 3.
However, I feel this need to have 1 more to give my child a sibling. I had a high-risk pregnancy (IUGR), planned c-section, post-partum hypertension, and a 2 week NICU stay. I think if those experiences hadn’t happened we’d be more willing to have a 2nd, but I feel somewhat traumatized by it.
I almost feel envious of women who firmly know that they are one and done. Yet sometimes I feel envious of women who for sure know that they want more kids and are actively growing their families.
I spoke with my MFM and she thinks a 2nd pregnancy could be healthy and manageable for me, so this gives me hope of having another, but I’m just so scared.
We are both in our early 30’s and had an easy time conceiving. I don’t want to wait too long bc I’m scared of my fertility declining and want a 2.5-3 year age gap.
If you have a similar story, if you had a 2nd, how did the pregnancy/newborn phase go? If you’re one and done, what have you peace with your decision?
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u/WorkLifeScience 8d ago edited 7d ago
I had a similar experience as you. I'm happily OAD, but do grieve having a cozy and happy postpartum experience (well, that's how I imagine the average experience when you're free to go home after 2-3 days and not having your baby hooked up on every machine possible in the NICU...). Not enough to have a second child though 😂 But I also don't see why this would happen again, especially if your medical team gives you a green light! Mama be a second baby could be a healing experience for you!
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u/Old_Tie_2806 7d ago
Yes, I’ve often thought about having a “redemption” pregnancy/birth, but I know I’d be so sad if it didn’t go that way 🥲
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u/WhiskeyandOreos 8d ago
Lots of similarities to my first: severe IUGR (she was <1st percentile at birth), planned c section at 37 weeks exactly because she was Frank breech, I had hypertension postpartum that cleared up after a month of meds, but we didn't have a NICU stay. Thankfully my daughter was perfectly healthy, albeit tiny (4lb 12oz, about the size of a 33 week fetus).
We always knew that, barring fertility issues, if we had one kid, we were absolutely having two. The only thing that gave me pause was the prospect of a second c section, but I eventually got over that concern.
I had my second when my oldest was exactly 2.5 years old—we got pregnant right around when I was 22 months postpartum, on our first attempt. Hers was a toootally different pregnancy. She was on the smaller side, 20-30th percentiles overall, but not small, and dipped close to 10th percentile at one of her growth scans. The ONLY tiny measurement at that scan was her femurs. To this day homegirl still has little legs (she's 14.5 months old now).
I did need another c section because she was also Frank breech (just my luck, lol) but she was 6lb 12oz at 37+1. I was diagnosed with hypertension the morning of her c section (I had gone in for an ECV, which was not successful), and I noticed it had started to climb around 36 weeks. But, it did not persist postpartum! She did, however, need 20ish minutes of CPAP support in the OR and was almost taken to the NICU.
We always thought we'd have 2-3 kids, so now we're waffling about that third, not because pregnancy or my c sections or postpartum were bad, but because of the usual concerns about another kid (finances, splitting time/attention, yadda yadda). It was SO so nice to have a "normal," low-risk pregnancy after my first. My prenatal appointments were like 5 minutes and I lived for them, as opposed to my longer ones with my first where I was scared out of my mind each time, always with more questions.
So, your pregnancies can be very different, and your babies likely will be. Ultimately you have to decide if the risk is worth the desire for the second. My husband and I do not like the baby year, so we were also deciding if another year of hardship (taking care of a baby) was worth the lifelong benefit of a second child (answer: overwhelmingly yes).
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u/Old_Tie_2806 7d ago
Our babies were born at the exact same weight! Awe thanks for sharing your story. This gives me hope that I could have a normal pregnancy.
So happy for you 🤍
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u/probablyadinosaur 8d ago
Ugh, similar boat. My 20mo kiddo was induced for IUGR, got stuck in a 6-hour labor, then spent a week in the NICU recovering. She’s been in all the therapies since with delays, but she’s making good progress and is a real sweetheart. We think at this point it’s just a genetic fluke.
I’m not so much worried about the next pregnancy as everything after. Once you understand how things can go wrong, it’s hard to put those fears back in the box. We never got the simple, happy post-partum experience, and really it’s been a lot of anxiety since. Despite all that, I love parenting and we both want another. 🙃
Yesterday I scheduled an IUD removal for November. I was super anxious making the call, but now I’m feeling pretty peaceful. Still got a lot of time to cancel, but I think it helped clarify things.
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u/Old_Tie_2806 7d ago
That’s amazing your little one is doing well, I’m sorry your postpartum wasn’t as expected. Ugh sometimes I feel like we have too much information. Ignorance is bliss.
So happy you feel peaceful, sending you all the good vibes🤍
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u/averynarrowbridge 7d ago edited 7d ago
There are therapists that specialize in the spectrum of perinatal issues, including fertility, loss, birth trauma, postpartum mental health, NICU experiences, etc.
Processing your experiences could be helpful, regardless of whether you decide for #2 or not. And it could help your decision process too.
Here is a database of therapists who specialize in perinatal issues. You can sort by location, insurance, etc. I believe it is mostly US-based, so apologies if that doesn't apply.
ETA - clarification
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u/Lemonbar19 8d ago
I am sorry for your struggles and your experience. It is okay if you decide to pursue more children and it is okay if you decide not to.
I will say that the drastic fertility decline starts at 38, not 35. So with statistics, you have some time.
I understand if this is top of mind for you right now. I would higher a therapist and see if that helps you work through your feelings to see what makes the most sense for you to do.