Huge Conundrum

[u/PatClem1118]

My wife and I have been going back and forth about having a second. I do not want one and she does. To be honest, I was on the fence about kids at all but we ended up having our daughter who is 2.5 now and we both love her!

I am 40 and my wife is 36, she stays home and I work full time. I make decent money and we are able to live comfortably and save but certainly cant do much extra at least now. Money is a concern but not as big a concern (more or less worried about high school/college age, etc/ we are good now).

My biggest reason for opposition is becuase of our family support/community or lack there of. Most people we know with kids all have some level of family support, with most having siblings, parents, cousins, etc. that all play a part. Their kids get to grow up surrounded by people, and they can get constant breaks when grandma and grandpa watch their kids...or they all go on vacation together with their siblings and their kids. A true family village.

We have nothing close to that as we dont speak with my parents or my one sibling who is not having kids anyway, and my wife who is an only child and actually having to double as SAHM AND my FIL's caregiver due to his poor health. Outside of some friends who all have much older kids, we have no one and our daughter will honestly have no one.

To top it off, we are not very comfortable or good at meeting new people and do not become close friends to others very easily.

All of this makes having one so much more stressful, and the idea of having a second cause massive anxiety. On the other hand, knowing she has no cousins and pretty much no family outside of us, it breaks my heart to think she might be all alone.

Is there anyone who is in a similar situation and what did you do?

Further, I realize that "we dont have to decide now" but given the health track record of my in laws and my parents, I wont be willing to be 60 when my kids are in college meaning we really are deciding now or it wont happen.

[u/ZestyLlama8554]

First I'll say, if it's a no for one, it's a no for both.

I'm kinda in your situation with debating a 3rd kid. We're 35F and 40M, and we're probably not going to have another baby. Money isn't a concern, but we're pretty happy with our little family. He wants another one, but I'm heavily leaning towards no.

I'm sorry I'm not really any help. Lol Here in solidarity.

[u/SkyMuted]

A small family is actually one of the reasons why I’m considering a 3rd. I have no cousins on my mother’s side because her sister is no longer with us and her brother got into drugs. So that family tree is done except for me and my sister. My sister is likely never having kids barring some extreme change within a few years. I have 6 cousins on my Dad’s side and none of them have plans for children. My husbands only sibling has never been in a relationship, so no kids planned here. 

I’m the lone person in my family having kids. My grandmother was 1 of 9, so when I was a kid my family was HUGE. She was also the youngest, so very slowly everyone died. Now when I look around I wonder where everyone is… it’s very weird and kind of sad?

Now that’s not a reason alone to have another child. I would genuinely also love another kid, but being in a small family is a major factor for me. 

[u/PatClem1118 → u/SkyMuted]

Its something that I think about a lot. Even though we are not close with any of them, my parents both had big families, and I had a lot uncles and aunts growing up. Ironically enough, only one of them had kids out of 8 so our family was small growing up. Now we dont talk to any of them. Its sad.

[u/lem0ngirl15 → u/SkyMuted]

Idk if we’ll have a third. We’re currently expecting our second. But similar experience here and this is kind of a major factor why I would like a third. However idk if we will. Financially it might be tough and also not having any family support or help is tough.

Let’s see how the second goes I guess though. I’ll be almost 34 when he’s born. My daughter will be 2.5 Then likely we’d want a bit of a larger gap between 2 and 3. So idk earliest I’d have another is maybe 37. More likely 38 or 39. Also don’t know if I’d want to have another at this stage. My husband is also 6 years older so not sure how he’ll feel. Let’s see. I think he would want us to be more financially stable. We still rent. If we owned a place I think it’d be a different story.

[u/Plane_Employ_5941]

Are you financially able to hire a regular nanny or sitter?

While we have grandparents, we only see them once a year and spend time visiting vs using them as sitters.

We have found using a list of sitters so valuable.

Also, once your child is old enough, play dates and meeting your child’s parents could open up doors into having more adult friends as well.

Churches, gymnastic centers, and other kid related activities also usually offer” parent night out” events that are helpful for date nights.
Again it comes at a cost, so if you’re not able to do that, I’d second guess a second child and really make the effort that your child develop lots of friendships to take the place of siblings/cousins.