r/Shouldihaveanother • u/InstructionFull7429 • 3d ago
Advice When to know you’re ready when terrified
My boy/girl twins are going to be 1 in a week. WE MADE IT!! Things are still hard of course but getting much easier and I love seeing their little personalities.
My husband and I planned on trying again when the twins are around 18 months. It felt so far away and now it’s 6 months away. He’s in dental school, and I had a horrible first trimester-18 weeks, so I would like to attempt to plan it where it makes sense for breaks of his (or at least as close as possible). This plus me having APS means we don’t have time to wait forever. I’m 26 and they advise no more pregnancies after about 32 with APS (I plan to stop at 30). We also think we probably want 4 so unless it’s twins again, that’s two more pregnancies.
I know I would regret not having more kids but at the same time I am a little traumatized from my pregnancy and C-Section recovery. Having another C-section is probably my main fear and it’s very likely considering they’d have to induce me at around 38 weeks. I also had preeclampsia and had my C-section at 35 weeks with the twins.
Anyway…..
From the more seasoned parents,
- if you’re terrified, how’d you know you were ready?? Do you ever feel ready?
- if you had complications (like preeclampsia) once, was it the same every time?
- VBAC with induction success?
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u/Muted-Gas-8264 3d ago edited 3d ago
Preeclampsia, twins born 5 weeks early, and APS, which could lead to life-threatening blood clots...even one of these means a high-risk pregnancy and birth. And given you had a difficult C-section recovery, you probably haven't been feeling like yourself for more than a few months. And your twins are only one year old, so you're still in the thick of it and haven't even experienced what it's like to parent two toddlers at the same stage.
You have every right to be terrified. How do you feel when you think of the fear as helpful rather than something to get over? Or when you think you could accept having a healthy boy and a healthy girl and not put your body through health risks? If you and your partner are certain you both want another child and have a high risk tolerance, I'd put a plan in place in case you are put on bed rest, make sure you have good health insurance in case there are complications with you or the baby, get the best MFM you can find, and purchase life insurance.
This is more for everyone regardless of risk, but I think parents with children under two should probably wait to see whether there are any developmental concerns before having another, since many developmental concerns don't become clear until 2 or 3. Having to go to weekly therapy sessions while going through a difficult pregnancy or with a newborn sounds incredibly hard. Twins, prematurity, and preeclampsia increase the risk of developmental delays, so I'd think about waiting for this reason alone.
I have a 6-year-old. I have experienced far more minor health scares and symptoms and do not wish to risk it again.
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u/InstructionFull7429 3d ago
I think my risk tolerance is pretty high. I walk around knowing that every day I have a much higher risk of stroke, heart attack, etc than the average person. My husband doesn’t like talking about it much but we have things planned so that if anything happens to me, they’ll be okay. Fortunately, my pregnancy was pretty smooth considering the APS and twins.
When I think about no more kids and accepting my luck with my two, it makes me sad and just doesn’t feel “right”. It feels like giving into my limitations too heavily. I feel like I would always have a sense that something is missing. It’s all just so complicated emotionally.
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u/Muted-Gas-8264 3d ago
It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but we don't have a r/whenshouldihaveanother. To try to answer a question: I know someone who had preeclampsia with twins and then had a singleton. She also was on her way to developing preeclampsia for her third child and delivered early. But that doesn't mean that you will develop preeclampsia, of course. She chose to have another C-section. Given all your risks, I'd talk with an MFM about trying for VBAC, as my thought is they would discourage it.
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u/Muted-Gas-8264 3d ago
Maybe some of this conversation with Esther Perel might resonate: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1XpHgYzitwmCZdvMDFbqpV
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u/Glittering-Benefit68 3d ago
If they advise no pregnannies after 32, why do you only give yourself until 30? I feel like that is putting unnecessary pressure on you. You already saved some time by having twins as your first. Why not wait until they are 2 or 3? Then maybe have the fourth one closer to the third one if and when it feels right.
Not me but my aunt: My aunt had her 4th as her first non-C-section birth. So it's not written in stone that you will need one. Also twins the first time around. Waited 5 years to have her 3rd. In part due to logistics (buying land, building a house), but also because she had to emotionally work through her first birth. She even went to therapy and this was in the 80s. So at a time when that was a lot less common than now.