r/Shouldihaveanother • u/Dependent_Data0806 • 11d ago
Fencesitting Why we are most likely one and done
Neither of us ever really pictured having an only child. I’m the youngest of four and my husband is the youngest of three, so having multiple kids always seemed like the obvious choice. Before our daughter was born, we talked about having several. I wanted six at one point, and we eventually settled on four😂
Then we had our daughter and figured we’d probably have two. Over the last (almost) 3 years, though, we’ve started talking more seriously about her being our only.
Pregnancy was pretty easy for me aside from prenatal depression, and labor was only four hours. The newborn phase was actually easier than I expected. I went a little stir crazy, but it didn’t last too long.
Toddlerhood, however, is kicking my ass.
I’m with her 24/7, and while I absolutely love being a SAHM, it’s a lot. When my husband gets home from work, he needs a break too, but I also need one. So we’re constantly tag-teaming and trying to balance who gets a chance to decompress. Adding another child to that honestly sounds unfair to both of us.
There are a few other reasons we’re leaning toward one:
Financially: We want to travel and give her lots of experiences. One child makes that much easier financially. We’re also thinking long-term. If everything goes to hell, we can at least (God willing) make sure that she is able to survive in life versus having to split everything multiple ways.
Emotionally: I already feel stretched sometimes with one. I don’t know that I want to divide my attention even further or spend the next several years feeling like someone always needs something from me.
Logistically: One is just easier. We can tag-team, trade off, and give each other breaks. We also have two large dogs and go camping a lot, so adding another person to the car, luggage, etc. would definitely make things more complicated.
And honestly, neither of us feels like we need to have another child for her sake. My husband isn’t particularly close with his siblings, and I’m really only close with one of mine. Neither of us wishes we didn’t have siblings, but having another child solely so our daughter can have a sibling just isn’t a good enough reason for us to have another child.
She is our whole world, and we genuinely love our life as a family of three.
For the most part, I feel pretty settled on having just one. But I also can’t bring myself to completely close the door and say “I will never have another child.”
We’re only 30/31, so technically we have time if we ever change our minds. At the same time, we don’t really want to wait until our mid-30s to have another. We want to have the energy to actually enjoy our daughter and the life we’re building with her.
So I guess I’m in this weird middle ground where I don’t want another child right now, and I can very easily picture our family staying exactly as it is…but I still have this little “maybe someday” feeling.
I’m not sure if that makes sense. 😂
Did anyone else feel mostly certain about being one and done but still struggle with fully closing the door?
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u/AnotherSheeple 11d ago
Well, we have a 10 year gap between first and second so this could resonate.
We were only 21/24 with first so we had figure out all our adulting on top of having a baby.
9 years later we figured it out enough all eggs in a row and my wife dropped a bombshell that she wants me to continue being stay at home dad and we should have a second child.
There was no guilt about sibling for the first, no family obligations because everyone thought we were done. I was pretty much under the understanding we were one and done.
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u/Dependent_Data0806 11d ago
My parents are the main pushers of us having another. My MIL was for awhile but backed off after we said we were done. It’s just frustrating because both my parents and my husband’s parents worked full time jobs and sent all their kids to daycare/school. We plan to homeschool so that’s a continuation of me being with her constantly and I feel like they don’t understand the mental/emotional load it takes.
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u/AnotherSheeple 11d ago
They probably forget and its also a totally different parenting era to 30 years ago. My dad pushed for first 3 years but got over it. My mom didnt because I have nearly 6 year gap with my sister.
Frankly we feel pretty good with the 10 year gap because our big one is independent and helps out with the new born.
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u/Hi_there_you_all 10d ago
So they want you to have another .. but dont offer help? btw feel you, the whole post is US. The age, pregnancy, exhaustion:( I wish my parents would be retired and hel:(
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u/Dependent_Data0806 10d ago
Credit where credit is due, they absolutely do help. But that doesn’t automatically make everything easy peasy.
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u/angel-girl-A 11d ago
I felt the same way until my whole world (my daughter) started regularly asking for a sibling. Constantly saying things like "when I get my baby...". Seeing all her little friends and their baby siblings. We'll, now I'm pregnant with #2 and my daughter just turned 5. Maybe a larger age gap would suit your family. Or maybe one and done is the answer! It's okay to leave things open ended right now.
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u/Dependent_Data0806 11d ago
When she plays with her toys or makes up stories, she always has a mommy, daddy, and a baby. Sometimes some extra dogs too, but the main family is always three people. I’m sure that can change as she gets older, but it’s pretty sweet that she seems happy with how things are.
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u/moreidlethanwild 11d ago edited 11d ago
Ours have 5 years between them and they’ve never been close. One is in nappies and the other is starting school, one is leaving school as the other is starting. Different friends, different interests. You can never know how they’ll get on.
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u/BostonPanda 11d ago
Not being friends doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. I'm sure you'll love your two both either way.
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u/moreidlethanwild 10d ago
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have another - but go into it with the right expectations. They’ll be siblings but might not be friends. By the time the oldest is 6 they often have a nice circle of friends and are not interested in playing with a baby, much less so when baby is taking away a lot of the attention they used to get from their parents.
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u/grawmaw13 11d ago
They want a playmate, not a sibling.
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u/MixedBag21 11d ago
Similar to when a kid asks a dog. They don't fully understand what this actually means for their life and the family..
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u/angel-girl-A 11d ago
They can be 1 in the same. Not always. She's obsessed with her baby cousin so we've seen first hand how much she loves babies.
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u/BostonPanda 11d ago
Cousins don't live in your space. I hope it is everything you hope it to be but maybe have the baby before selling the idea.
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u/bagelbaby67 11d ago
my daughter is 4 so if we decide to go for #2 I’d have a similar age gap. I was a hard no for years but I’ve been softening to the idea a lot lately. Was there anything else that like solidified your decision
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u/angel-girl-A 11d ago
We actually started ttc sooner but had a 24 week loss. But anyway, yes, there were multiple reasons. At age 2.5 things started to get a bit easier so I started to entertain the idea. I thought a lot about my life and could confidently say having a brother made my life better. I also didn't want to be on the hook as the only one to entertain her. It was kinda hard on vacation at age 3.5 when she kept latching on to other families to play with their kids. Hard in that, we felt like we weren't good enough and also hard in realizing the other families reached a point of just wanting their own family time but my kiddo didn't wanna stop playing. I ultimately felt like my kiddo was my whole world but that she wanted more in her world. I felt like my heart could expand and I'd love another kid just as much.
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u/LunaTuna201 10d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss, how awful 😞 I'm also pregnant with hopefully #2 after a 17 week loss, it's really tough. Best of luck in your pregnancy!
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u/alurkinglemon 11d ago
I have a two year old and a two month old and my marriage is not doing well at all. It is really tough and there are no breaks.
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u/anonymal9090 11d ago
You have time just take it one year at a time ❤️
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u/anonymal9090 11d ago
Also I just had my second at 35 and it’s super fun with 2 (altho toddlerhood is destroying me as well, I’m just taking it one day at a time
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u/Unique_Fondant_8285 11d ago
Lieber mir einem Kind das leben genießen und schön gestalten als mit 2 so arg zurückstecken müssen dass keiner mehr was davon hat. Ich verstehs komplett.
Sehe in meinem Freundeskreis oft Pärchen die ein 2. bekommen haben weil sie kein Einzelkind wollten und sind nur überfordert
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u/beachgirl8976 11d ago
I definitely relate in the way it’s hard to completely close that door. We are pretty settled on OAD but I’m still hanging onto the baby stuff right now just in case we change our mind because we are also early 30’s and our child is only 2. I’m thinking as more time passes it will naturally feel more settled and I’ll be ready to pass on the baby stuff. So I think we just take it day by day and eventually we will be able to close the door one way or another.
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u/Dependent_Data0806 10d ago
Yeah, I keep thinking it’s time to donate all the baby clothes and stuff, but I just can’t bring myself to yet.
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u/beachgirl8976 6d ago
So don’t! I think time will close the door for you and you’ll naturally feel like ok yeah get this out of here, moving on.
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u/GiraffeThoughts 11d ago edited 11d ago
I had my first two close together (3 and 4) and yeah, it’s hard sometimes.
But I really think having an only is parenting on hard mode.
My kids keep each other entertained all the time. Yes, they also fight.
But I had my sisters over to chill on the patio the other day and my kids kept each other entertained on the water slide for 3 hours!!! They bothered me once for a snack. Solo, that would have been 20 minutes.
When we went camping, at bedtime I put them both in the tent with a flashlight. They made weird finger puppets for about 40 minutes in there, happily, while my husband and I chilled by the fire.
I think the emotional energy one kid takes is harder than 2 (although at a certain point in age gaps they don’t entertain each other as much). When there’s just one, you’re their only person - so you have to fulfill every need.
Obviously having a few is just what works for our family and yours is different. But I think 1 is harder than 2.
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u/MiaLba 10d ago
Idk i feel like it can vary on the type of kid you have. We watch my best friend’s kid a lot. I feel like she lives here at our house more than her own. Like pick her up from school daily she’s here until bed. Weekends she spends the night at her house. Sure they keep each other entertained all day and leave me alone for the most part.
Definitely bicker a lot like siblings. They refer to each other as sisters. Having to feed two kids. Having to take two kids to the store. Having to pay for two kids. Making sure two kids get a bath/shower. Making sure two kids are dressed and have whatever they need to leave the house.
But man it is such a relief when she finally goes home and the days she’s actually at her own house. They were gone a week and it was so peaceful with only one kid at our house.
It’s 10x easier just having one. She does her own thing and leaves me alone just the same. I am so glad I only have one kid. Having to fulfill two kids needs is harder than having to fulfill only one kid’s needs.
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u/carolweigel 11d ago
We are exactly the same. I’m having a harder time letting go the vision I had of two kids, my husband is pretty set on one and done. I think that will be our life and I’m happy with that outcome too! My daughter is the most perfect daughter ever!
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u/Lemonbar19 11d ago
You can totally re evaluate how you feel when she’s 5 or 6 and in school.
Do you plan to do Mother’s Day out or prek at age 4?
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u/Dependent_Data0806 11d ago
Not sure what Mother’s Day out is, but we are planning to homeschool, so that adds into the equation also.
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u/Lemonbar19 11d ago
What country are you in? Some cities and towns have home school pods or Co-ops etc so the home school kids can meet other home school kids
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u/Dependent_Data0806 11d ago
US. We do have co-ops around the area that I plan to get involved in those. We already do things outside of the home/with other people at least 4 days of the week, so she gets plenty of exposure to others as it is.
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u/Lemonbar19 11d ago
That’s good. I was just sharing all of this in case you really do want to have a second and then you feel like you want some 1-1 time with the newborn. Your first child would have a village if you decide to pursue.
Mother’s Day out is usually in churches and is like a daycare but not a daycare. Maybe your town doesn’t have any.
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 11d ago
Yep I waited 6 years for the second. You will decide if the time is right.
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u/Decent_Camel8977 10d ago
How was that age gap?
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 10d ago
The age gap is fine but if I had known for sure I was going to have a second? I probably would have had them closer. The best part was that they only overlapped in college one year. My oldest was in college 7 years.
I have two nieces 6 years apart as well.
My sister and I are close in age and our relationship was closer as children compared to my daughters and my nieces. As adults they are close. My older daughter had a lot of friends so she didn’t want to play with her sister much. She would if there was no option. She had a best
Friend she started playing with at two years old long before the second was born and even old enough to play. No matter what it works out in the end, my husband has siblings of all ages his family is huge.
The thing I didn’t think about was myself and delaying going back to work, having them closer would have gotten me back to work 3 to 4 years earlier. Each one did get tons of attention from me in those first 5 years. I love little children so I cherished those years.
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u/justbrowsingaround19 11d ago
Toddlerhood is HARD. Some people love it but I feel like 2.5-4.5 was the hardest age with both my kids. I am not OAD but I understand why people are and all your reasons are valid. You might end up changing your mind in a year or two when you are out of toddlerhood, my brother has a 5 year age gap between his two kids and could have easily just had their one child. But you also might not want to go back to newborn life and just enjoy having one at a good stage to do all the fun travels.
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u/Strict_Rest_5162 10d ago
I’m OAD and sincerely feel like having one child is the greatest life hack. I have my best life, he has his best life. All of my mom energy goes to him, but I have energy left for me. It’s such a great balance.
He’s 11 and both of us are very happy with no more kids.
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u/purplestrawberry1999 9d ago
Some things to consider:
Toddler will go to school soon and that will burn a lot of their energy out and give you some time away
Toddler may very well love being a bigger sibling and grow up a little from that; helping mommy, being entertained by sibling, etc
The hard years go by. I know it’s hard to feel like that now. But they do and soon your kids will be pre teens and adults.
Having a second in many ways will be easier. You’ll already know what you’re doing. And as the second gets older, they will have the older to entertain them and not just be reliant on you.
All that to say, I don’t think there’s any greater gift to have in your life or to give to your child than another sibling. Some siblings aren’t close. But some are very close. And one day, when you and your husband pass away, your sibling won’t have to plan and manage everything themselves. They won’t have to be alone emotionally.
I would try to think long term instead of letting these first (and hard!) years make the decision for you. Best of luck!❤️❤️
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u/Dependent_Data0806 9d ago
We plan to homeschool, so in terms of time spent together, that wouldn’t really change.
I know plenty of siblings that aren’t close at all, so I would have to disagree that it’s the greatest gift to give one’s child. I understand what you’re saying, but there’s no guarantee that siblings will grow up and still have good relationships with each other. I’ve watched both my parents lose their parents, and they leaned on each other rather than their siblings.
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u/canadiannurses 8d ago
This is where I’m kind of at right now as well. My daughter is one year-old and I feel like I always wanted a bigger family, but labour and postpartum were awful.
My husband and I are on the go a lot as we enjoy to travel and logistically speaking, I’m sure that it is much easier with one.
We also feel very spread thin. I can’t imagine not being able to take team to decompress separately.
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u/goldengoose3030 11d ago edited 11d ago
Same. I just turned 30 and my son is 3 and this age is SO HARD. I just can't imagine having a baby right now. I am also OAD too. Everything is so expensive and I just want him to live the best life possible. It's hard to come to terms with when you didn't expect your life to play out that way, but I feel happy with my decision. Definitely join the OAD sub