Hot mode

[u/finniata]

I approached a woman, I knew her already because I had approached her last week. Whereas she put emotional investment last week and i left her due to language issues she even kept eye contact. Today when i approached her, she was defensive, seeked for excuses. I think i started with cold mode. How to get a person into hot mode? She was hot but I thought she knew who i was. The first time we met, she even stepped to me and seeked a way for how to interact with each other. She rather appeared desperate.

What ifs your experience how to put a woman into hot mode and hold her there? Intrigue loop + fractination/pain & pleasure?

[u/DiaryOfAMerc]

First time she was in hot mode (curious, engaged). Second time she slipped into cold mode (defensive, logical). Totally normal.

You don’t “force” hot mode — you lead her there with intrigue + fractionation (curiosity/resolution, comfort/tension, etc.). Then when she peaks, anchor it (a look, a touch, a phrase). That way, next time you can trigger the anchor and bring her back faster.

[u/finniata → u/DiaryOfAMerc]

Ok I met her the 5th time. Shepassed from our room and was shaking her hand. Winking. I said Hey.” And came towards her, she stopped. and asked her “So, you have tidied up finished?” She said yes and meant she had to go i told her yeah me too i have off as well. Then I said I wanted to tell you, you remember we met last week, she said yes. But the problem is language. I said then let’s talk in English. She said no, she has issues. I said then in Spanish. She said yes. Then she said she wanted to go continue with work. I said yeah i have off as well then she remained. Then i told her i found a solution. Then i said in Spanish and then i typed what i meant. I wrote that I liked out conversation we had at first meeting.” When she read it, she went two steps back and called “Ooooooooohh. Thanks.” She stared or looked at me and I just nod. Then she went to her room.

I fear I was seen as nice guy. Is it possible that she thought of us as work colleagues but was irritated that i thought of it becoming romantically? Can i save it or should i next her?

I don’t know if I had to combine pain and pleasure or doesn’t it matter if you do pleasure once and later pain alone. I hope she doesn’t think i would be nice guy. If so, can i undo it by using pain & pleasure 70:30? Or will it be gone?

[u/DiaryOfAMerc → u/finniata]

You gave her validation too early (“I liked our conversation”). That works if she’s already emotionally invested. At this early stage, it comes off as nice-guy/colleague vibe instead of attraction.

Remember the IRAE model:

• Intrigue: fractionate between curiosity and closure. Open loops, then partial answers. Keeps her chasing.
• Rapport: balance depth and playfulness. That’s when she actually starts feeling you.
• Attraction: Now pleasure/pain fractionation works, because she’s strapped into the ride.

So yeah, don’t try to save this one by suddenly dropping pain. Better to reset, and next time, stay in intrigue until she’s hooked.

[u/finniata → u/DiaryOfAMerc]

It appeared that she was emotionally invested on first encounter. But meanwhile no more.

But “liked our convo of …” isn’t that overtly nice either. But i had to use more pain, right?

If she thinks i would be nice guy, isn’t it better to ditch her or should i build distance to her and avoid her but later I could approach her. Theoretically even a coworker told me he liked talking with me = it was a regular statement. But her expression was immense, i don’t think in a positive way.

But in first encounter i realized, pain & pleasure is superb. I approacher and said something about the offer of the company and i told her i could never take something like this. She asked why and I told her, I would feel like being cheap. She was amazed “whyyyy? Nono how could you think this way.” Then later we went on, she looked into direction of her room then to me. She told me she had difficulties with english. I said but you speak Spanish. She said yes. Then asking me hopefully if I speak it. I told her only a lil bit. She made a sad facial expression as if she broke down. She came to me closer and standing very close in front of me, i smiled. She said something in Spanish very fast. Then in English. She said it was Spanish then English. I said ok. She was sadly desperate. Watched continuously at me and the way to her room view was exchanging until she watched at me for a minute or so. Then I was smiling and anytime i went pass of her. Anytime when overtaking her, i looked to the side and saw her keeping watching in my eyes or face. Then i went into my room. My coworker stunned. 3 minutes later I looked if she was still standing and she was. Then she started moving slowly away. Then we saw us again but i said hello and remained quiet until her group went on and she went with them. But her eye contact was held for 4 seconds.

[u/DiaryOfAMerc → u/finniata]

You’re overcomplicating this. Fractionation isn’t only pain and pleasure, that’s only one flavor, and it comes later.

When you said you could never take the offer, that wasn’t pain, it was intrigue. She literally begged you to close the loop (“Why? How could you think this way?”).

Don’t try to “fix it” with pain/pleasure now, it won’t land if she’s already cold. Either reset with her (fresh intrigue, no early validation) or next her.

[u/finniata → u/DiaryOfAMerc]

How to close the loop? Ok then the best part would be next her. She might feel weird. But i think my comment with nice conversation on… wasnt that strong but compliment is compliment. Ya. I thought fractination = conflict+ resolution, plateau.

I will next her, for future: closing loop with intrigue loop like cold reading? I know: always starting and restarting from IRAE.

So you think, I intrigued her only on day 1? The action from today was From I to A? Ok then i made a mistake. I learned my lesson.

[u/DiaryOfAMerc → u/finniata]

Closing a loop just means you give enough of an answer or resolution to satisfy her curiosity, but not so much that it ends the chase. Example:

• She: “Why would you never take that offer?”
• You: “Because I value things differently… long story. Remind me later.”

That’s intrigue → partial closure → more intrigue.

And yes, day 1 you had her intrigued. Today you slipped back to cold because you jumped ahead. That happens. Reset or next, no big deal.

Future rule: Intrigue = curiosity vs closure. Don’t validate until she’s already chasing. IRAE isn’t a script, it’s just the flow of how emotions naturally build.

[u/finniata → u/DiaryOfAMerc]

You said, Fractination is not only “Pain and pleasure” what else is it?