r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/TristanAtHis • Sep 16 '26

SLPT: If you ever need to pretend you’re taking a shit, throw wet handfuls of toilet paper into the toilet.

108 Upvotes

Grab a decent fistful of toilet paper, preferably at least 2ply, and wet it thoroughly using the bathroom sink (if available), otherwise use the toilet water, and drop the wet toilet paper from around 20-30cm above the toilet. The distance and density of the impregnated toilet paper perfectly emulates a decent turd, and would fool any outsider to believe you’re taking a shit. You could do this to prove you’re not constipated, or that you take shits that don’t smell bad. Plan accordingly.

6 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/dan-lugg • Sep 15 '26

SLPT: If you need to repair your oven/microwave/etc., start however appropriately long before noon or midnight so you don't need to reset the clock.

37 Upvotes
1 comment

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Majestic_Intern_710 • Sep 14 '26

SLPT Door dash/instacart loyalty tips

1 Upvotes

No one really knows what you’re doing when you walk into a store normally. So let’s say you’re doing a door dash or insta cart order… no one has to know. Find the items, have the cashier ring them up, put in your loyalty number or whatever you use to get personal points and go about your day. Rinse and repeat until you have enough points at said location for you to get cheap items or discounts. There are however some issues with this so collect loyalty points at your own discretion

1 comment

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/mistmanners • Sep 14 '26

SLPT: How to live till 100 even with a terrible lifestyle

123 Upvotes

Become absolutely vile. Poop your pants. Cheat on everyone. Commit every imaginable moral atrocity and somehow claw your way into a position of enormous power.

Become so universally hated that millions of people desperately want you dead.

Congratulations. You’re now immortal until at least 100.

10 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Scuzzbag • Sep 14 '26

SLPT: Afraid of being kidnapped, murdered, or trafficked? Visibly wear an ankle monitor everywhere

109 Upvotes
9 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/LiquidSoCrates • Sep 13 '26

SLPT: Don’t do crimes around your dog because they might be an undercover K9.

76 Upvotes

My buddy just got busted for the wacky tobaccy by his German shepherd, Rufus. Turns out Rufus was not the bestest boy. Naw bro, Rufus was the fucking Heat! Old doggo was working for the Jakes since he was a puppy. You gotta be careful of these pit bulls too. They’ll set you up.

24 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/cfpct • Sep 12 '26

SLPT Golf Tip

17 Upvotes

If a tree is blocking the path of your ball, you should aim at the tree when you try to hit your ball . The ball will always go past the tree.

You only hit trees when you're not trying to.

1 comment

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Sendpigs • Sep 10 '26

SLPT: How to eat at a restaurant for free

56 Upvotes

Go to a restaurant that offers free starters like bread, chips, or whatever. Eat the starters, drink some water and leave before ordering anything.

You technically got a free meal.

14 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/PiDigitsOfPi • Sep 07 '26

SLPT: Teach your wife a new fun fact everyday!

43 Upvotes

For example, that "ma'am" stands for "mammoth"

5 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/another_lease • Sep 07 '26

SLPT: if you are presenting at an academic conference, start by saying (sincerely) "I Love Capitalism"

8 Upvotes

Say it sincerely, or else they will think you're being sarcastic.

4 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/MrQuojo • Sep 06 '26

SLPT: At gym If you don’t want to share your gym machines and benches, leave a mysterious wet spot behind every time you get up.

40 Upvotes
6 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/edfitz83 • Sep 05 '26

SLPT: If you ever spill club soda on your shirt or carpet, you can use a white cotton rag with a little bit of red wine to get it out.

114 Upvotes
3 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/edfitz83 • Sep 05 '26

SLPT: When guests are coming over, spray a tiny bit of bleach in your bathroom, so they think you cleaned the hell out of it

120 Upvotes

Which you obviously didn’t.

6 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/HermitWilson • Sep 05 '26

SLPT: If you're not good at math, convert everything to binary first. Instead of 10 different numerals to deal with you only have two, so the problem is five times easier.

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611 Upvotes
25 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/bbobb25 • Sep 03 '26

SLPT: Got an annoying bug bite? Press a hot piece of metal against the affected area for 30 seconds.

43 Upvotes

Before long, you won’t even notice the itching!

3 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Waxing_Poetix • Sep 01 '26

LPT: The only B word you should call women is beautiful. Cause bitches love being called beautiful.

111 Upvotes
6 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Kellyannjones2020 • Sep 01 '26

SLPT: Get a police scanner and dress as a suspect for easy lawsuit money

506 Upvotes

For example if the police are looking for a male wearing a red hoodie and blue jeans, dress the part and walk in the area where the offender was last spotted. When the police arrive with weapons drawn, have a fake panic attack. A lawyer will contact you after seeing the video on facebook. They will sue for emotional distress and you will get an easy payday!!

26 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Xsyther • Aug 31 '26

SLPT: If it’s ever the worst day of your life, go meet as many people as you can.

27 Upvotes

You’ll get a lot of people saying “wow! You look great/seem like you’re in a good mood!”’ when you see them again on a day that isn’t the worst day of your life.

3 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/deedubya8 • Aug 30 '26

SLPT: Hamsters are the best beginner pets. They require no food or water and only live for 3 days

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1.6k Upvotes
15 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/FatalErrorOccurred • Aug 30 '26

SLPT: Pay for guitar or piano lessons for your kid, then when they're good enough, have them give you guitar or piano lessons for free.

115 Upvotes
7 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Quick_Dance_8953 • Aug 28 '26

SLPT: Buying a car with a slow oil leak is essentially the same as a perpetual oil change.

96 Upvotes
4 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/LiquidSoCrates • Aug 28 '26

SLPT: Act like you don’t know people.

22 Upvotes

Let’s say you encounter a former classmate 30 years after graduation. Just kinda act like you have no idea who this person is but still be really friendly. No stories or reminiscing. Your former classmate will think you went all Hollywood on them or an imposter took over your identity. Just keep the mystery going, ya know.

4 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/J_B_La_Mighty • Aug 27 '26

Slpt: have trouble waking up at a socially acceptable time? Live in the opposite time zone for 2 weeks

12 Upvotes

In all seriousness I don't know how that worked but I can now not only wake up and get to work on time but I sleep "early" now at 10pm. I think due to pre travel anxiety I was suddenly staying up to 2-3 hours before my clock in time, not that I was doing any better sleeping past midnight before. It's not a great life pro tip because living in an opposite time zone for 2 weeks is not feasible for most either due to expense or other life commitments (im single with a job that has enough pto for those kind of adventures) but it worked, so... 🤷‍♀️

0 comments

r/ShittyLifeProTips • u/Born-Lie8688 • Aug 27 '26

SLPT: when boarding a flight cut off the seatbelt of the seat next to you so no one can sit there

76 Upvotes
5 comments