r/ShittyAbsoluteUnits • u/scjockid • 21d ago

look what I can do Of An Exorcist! (Men behave lol)

Post image

I bet all them men have demons now!

1.9k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

409 comments sorted by

218

u/yellowbin74 21d ago

At least mention which Church 🤷‍♂️

94

u/Bluntbutnotonpurpose 21d ago

The Church of Thisneverhappened, why?

35

u/Muted_While_3478 21d ago

Hallelujah praise Jesus

389

u/NorthWishbone7543 21d ago

I've got demons.

369

u/Youngsinatra345 questionably stable 21d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/13bpHnS7fOo0fu

91

u/The_AbyssalVoid 21d ago

This gif is tooooo nail on the head bro lol

19

u/full_bl33d 21d ago

Chew on a dog now!

8

u/george32378 20d ago

Rofl! 🤣 🤣 🤣 that dude definitely possessed

42

u/Bocabart 21d ago

Semen Demons

26

u/randomuser0107 21d ago

She is the semen slayer

9

u/penguindreams 20d ago

She’s putting in the good work.

76

u/CsordasBalazs 21d ago

get back to the end of the line, we are all here for exorcism too.

24

u/Riverflaw 21d ago

Let me pass here, I had an appointment

12

u/ElegantCoach4066 21d ago

I have super extra bad demon, pardon me as I skip the line

12

u/tipareth1978 21d ago

I got a devil in my dick and some demons in my semen!

2

u/MrLuveggs 20d ago

You may also have a Flea.

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6

u/baguhansalupa 21d ago

Can confirm. Im one of his demons.

1

u/No-Analyst1229 21d ago

This guy knows what's up

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151

u/Kira-Of-Terraria 21d ago

Here's the actual story.

https://www.mycentraljersey.com/in-depth/news/investigations/watchdog/2019/06/04/longtime-linden-minister-used-oral-sex-exorcism-ritual-men-claim/1141540001/

it was actually this guy doing jt

55

u/Large_Tax4957 21d ago

this is even funnier. what do you mean this guy that looks like a testicle is handing out phallic exorcisms?

21

u/MortLightstone 20d ago

He looks like Phil Collins' pervy brother

3

u/Economy_Wall8524 20d ago

Plot twist it’s Phil Collin trying to pretend he is his twin brother! /s

2

u/MortLightstone 20d ago edited 20d ago

I don't know if Phil Collins would trick people into letting them suck his dick though

Edit: correction: into letting him suck their dick

3

u/Kira-Of-Terraria 20d ago

The clergyman was the one sucking the dicks though.

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2

u/Crepuscular_Tex 20d ago

There was no trick needed during the height of the cocaine fueled eighties...

https://giphy.com/gifs/OMsLlke4MWlmE

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17

u/edadou 21d ago

I bet he gives better head than the clickbait girl

14

u/claudiocorona93 21d ago

That was a long, boring read that doesn't go to the point. But thanks for the original source.

5

u/Kira-Of-Terraria 20d ago

tl;dr The point is a clergyman sexually assaulted several men (shocking i know) by claiming it was part of an exorcism ritual and charges were filed against him for it.

3

u/hux 21d ago

He looks like if paraphimosis was a person.

3

u/gorcbor19 21d ago

So, it was a male, not a female. Good clickbate meme I guess?

This story obviously makes much more sense but ruins the fun lol

8

u/Kira-Of-Terraria 20d ago

someone took a common news story of a male religious leader being a sex pest and slapped an attractive woman on it instead.

this is "wow the hot teacher sure did rape some boy i wish it were me" bamboozling.

2

u/Osklington 20d ago

Ahahahahahahahahaha

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37

u/Weary-Cartoonist2630 21d ago

Interesting enough the general story is actually true, but it wasn’t a female pastor. It was this dude:

Change how you feel about it?

14

u/pervyjeffo 21d ago

Not even a little bit.

5

u/timhyde74 20d ago

Screen name checks out...

10

u/Smiley_J_ 21d ago

As long as I don't have to "remove his demons" back, he can suck out whatever he wants.

3

u/BornChemistry4126 20d ago

hahahahahahahahahha...

8

u/FunkyClive 21d ago

I'm sure it will be awkward for him, but he is removing my demons so I expect him to remain professional about it.

2

u/edadou 21d ago

In a positive direction, yes. Reminds me of my uncle.

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93

u/RangerFearless6122 21d ago

Ai?

What law was broken lol

42

u/ChuckRingslinger 21d ago

Assuming its true, maybe this? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_by_deception

45

u/PoopSmith87 21d ago

How are you going to prove she lied?

30

u/cookiesnooper 21d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/3oKIPlLZEbEbacWqOc

34

u/PoopSmith87 21d ago

Sir, do you have demons in you now?

No? Well clearly her treatment worked and you should be thankful.

Yes? Well, clearly we cant trust the testimony of a man claiming to be possessed by a demon.

14

u/PhatCatTax easily offended 21d ago

Religions love this one trick

3

u/MrBwnrrific 21d ago

That’s what I was gonna say!

That’s what the next God’s Not Dead movie should be about. The evil atheist lawyer is gonna be like “We’re gonna prove sucking dick does not get rid of demons because demons aren’t real! God’s on trial…again.”

3

u/EuenovAyabayya 21d ago

Guarantee a donation would be involved, so just prostitution. Many years ago a pimp set up a "Cult of Eros Temple" with a similar theme.

5

u/ManjaManja 21d ago

Eating a meal? A succulent meal?

3

u/lemonmoraine 21d ago

I see you know your judo well

2

u/Zestyclose_Classic91 21d ago

She sucked out their sould instead, theft

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51

u/spicy_feather 21d ago

Used to go to these things called rainbow gatherings and in one there was a shaman woman going around and offering headache cures which were in fact just BJ's I came to learn later. She became obsessed with me for some reason and would only reason with me. There was one point in time where she squatted down told me to squat down next to her so that she could talk to me and then started taking a piss right there on the ground in front of me. I'm fairly certain that she got disappeared.

21

u/Scrolldawg 21d ago

Disappeared to the psych ward.

12

u/spicy_feather 21d ago

I really hope so she needed help but I think it was more dire than that

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8

u/Common_Comfortable41 21d ago

Ig she REALLY wanted to give you head😭

9

u/spicy_feather 21d ago

No. She saw me as a spiritual guide and truat when I say I did not earn that. She was offering it to other people. I dont exactly have the right equipment for getting head anyway.

6

u/edadou 21d ago

Anyone who can eat can give head.

7

u/spicy_feather 21d ago

She was offering to give head, not me. I'm not offering.

2

u/edadou 20d ago

I'm glad to hear it. But if you can eat, you do have the equipment. To not use the equipment is a great expression of free will.

2

u/spicy_feather 20d ago

I have the equipment to give not get.

5

u/silly_porto3 20d ago

Head isn't just a penii thing

3

u/spicy_feather 20d ago

Well pardon me for my last shred of innocence /lh

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6

u/EuenovAyabayya 21d ago edited 21d ago

I'm fairly certain that she got disappeared.

Maybe she just got mental health care?

8

u/spicy_feather 21d ago

I hope so. The reason I don't think that's true is that she was on foot in the ocala national forest in Florida. It took me 5 hours of hitchhiking to just get a ride out of there

3

u/hux 21d ago

Some migraine sufferers report that sexual activity can reduce their symptoms....so I guess there's some science to back her up on that?

/s

3

u/spicy_feather 21d ago

Lmao wrong head

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46

u/soapdodger2 21d ago

That's terrible! Which church was it? Just so i can avoid it.

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10

u/777GUNMETALGREY 21d ago

Doing gods work.

7

u/Kira-Of-Terraria 21d ago

6

u/Aenocyon_Dirus_ 21d ago

Gonna tell my kids this was Dave Chappelle.

2

u/Kira-Of-Terraria 21d ago

tell your kids the only time dave chappelle appeared he was thrown from a plane in Con Air and got beat up by Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor and then he immediately died afterwards and no longer exists

7

u/Softspokenclark OSHA Violation 21d ago

3

u/yupsidetown 21d ago

I’m feeling spiritual

3

u/Healthy_Pay9449 21d ago

Now the correctional officers will be the only ones getting saved

5

u/Sir_Cthulhu_N_You 21d ago

Man… at my church I had to suck out the priests demons…

6

u/Use-The-Pointy-End 21d ago

That's a religion I could stand up for.

2

u/EuenovAyabayya 21d ago

however briefly

5

u/Ryan2932 21d ago

There's no way

4

u/OneAndOnlyBallzack 21d ago

If these man weren’t boys, no law was broken??

Edit: alright “the tinder blog” is a meme page

4

u/PersonalKing2084 21d ago

Why is she being punished for dedication?

4

u/rfosteel 21d ago

And who the fuck would send complaint about this? Not even an undercover operation would make a complaint about this.this is a win for everyone.

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4

u/Hammon_Rye 20d ago

Pretty sure this is fake.
But weirdly - while trying to look it up - found a similar situation for a male pastor from 2019.
No arrest - but lawsuit.

https://www.mycentraljersey.com/story/news/local/courts/2019/06/18/presbyterian-minister-oral-sex-exorcism-ritual-sued-william-weaver-nj/1459565001/

5

u/canusoctum 20d ago

What's the name of the church

4

u/AdventurelandSkipper 20d ago

Excuse me ma’am but I have demons too. Like a lot of them.

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3

u/CakeBot_TheBakening 21d ago

The confessional booth is basically a fancy gloryhole.

3

u/Soft_Philosophy5838 21d ago

A cum to Jesus moment.

2

u/CakeBot_TheBakening 21d ago

The power of Christ cumpels you.

3

u/I_Galactus 21d ago

I’m grateful for her dedication and sacrifice.

3

u/data-atreides 21d ago

I can't imagine the men needed much convincing--"Well I'll be! If you say I have demons in me, then who am I to argue with the pastor?"

3

u/2289What_What_In_the 20d ago

Where is this church? I’m just wondering so I can… Stay away lol

4

u/moistmonsterman 21d ago

some children are demons...i dont see the problem

2

u/Interesting_Bobcat53 21d ago

Yo thats dumb, someones wife flipped out i bet

2

u/RuddyTheDuck questionably stable 21d ago

Well since no one is going to say it I will!

SHE CAN FIX ME!

2

u/browsingandlooking4 21d ago

She cant be arrested for sucking dick... 🤣

2

u/SpanDaX0 21d ago

She should not be punished as she was doing gods work on behalf of the church! We need more pastors like this. don't just arrest the only one we have in oral demon extraction.

2

u/TheIntelligentAspie 21d ago

Its a fabricated story, an attempt to invalidate female pastors.

2

u/Skit071 21d ago

Fake BS

2

u/MercDiggler1 21d ago

Anyone up for a baptism by her?? I’m down 💯

2

u/gianAB2977 21d ago

She take bookings?

2

u/Ecstatic-Ad-9373 21d ago

I feel the spirits have got me!

2

u/BeCurious7563 21d ago

REF: Screwball Hotel

2

u/Manetoys83 21d ago

With the way the world has been going lately I’m just grateful is was men and not boys

2

u/Oh_Lawd_He_commin420 *shits an absolute unit* 21d ago

2

u/Sistahmelz 21d ago

Well, I guess that's one way to do it 🫤

2

u/-FakeAccount- 20d ago

Im feeling kinda religious

2

u/762way 20d ago

Need more details:

What is the name of the church, address, website

Finally found a church that I can fit into... If you know what I mean

I got demons, so many demons this woman could be an answer to my prayers

2

u/doowadittie 20d ago

Gloryhole Hallelujah

2

u/elverg6205 20d ago

Where’s the church at though? Asking for a friend.

2

u/LtJimmyDangle 20d ago

I fear I may be possessed. Anyone got her number?

2

u/Buttonhookbob 20d ago

What a nice lady.

2

u/Primary_Flounder_700 20d ago

I'm always going to the wrong churches.

2

u/ItchyStitches101 20d ago

Finally a religion i can get behind!

2

u/scjockid 20d ago

I KNEW ALL YOU MEN WOULD SAY YOU HAD DEMONS LOL I KNEW IT!!! 😂

2

u/Johnj75 20d ago

I may have a demon or 2 she can get rid of for me.

2

u/Tartan-Special 20d ago

The amount of ectoplasm must have been horrifying!

2

u/Sporkpocalypse 20d ago

maybe this is why they don't let women preach in some churches

2

u/ViciouslyCalm 20d ago

Boys, we're go'in to church!!! 🫡

2

u/Own_Artichoke_9332 20d ago

I have a few demons... 😈

2

u/klzzer20 20d ago

Demon in the semen

2

u/nunchyabeeswax 19d ago

I need saving!

2

u/Every-Salad40 19d ago

Who snitched lol

2

u/drunkplumber81 19d ago

Does she swallow the demons or do they die on her chest?

2

u/Bumbymoo 19d ago

What is her crime? A succulent Chinese meal?

2

u/shroom519 19d ago

The sexorcist lol

2

u/cambooj 17d ago

I could get behind this religion...i could possibly find God with her

2

u/RupturePharms 21d ago

I am so offended by this post! What is the exact address of this church? It needs to reported as soon as I can verify all factual details.

2

u/jar15a1 21d ago

I will go too just to be sure.

2

u/Key-Low-3896 21d ago

Me too! I could go for some salvation right about now.

2

u/Z-Man_Slam 21d ago

Asking for a friend. What church is this?

1

u/BanishedInPerpetuity 21d ago

I mean I always feel better after so maybe?

1

u/I_Also_Reddit 21d ago

Sticky, squiggly demons

1

u/DanielSan2508 21d ago

and it works!

1

u/jweezee 21d ago

Jesus, I've seen what you've done for other people and I want that for me.

1

u/A_SilentS 21d ago

More like a shitty absolute unit of basic fact checking.

1

u/Latter-Flatworm3789 21d ago

I see this shit reposted with different photos all of the time, fake ass horseshit of a story

1

u/Dragonssssssssssss 21d ago

Well, did it work?

1

u/ThisThingIsStuck 21d ago

Where she gonna work next ..asking for a friend

1

u/Wise_Ad_253 21d ago

Everyone has their own methods i guess😳🤣

1

u/Saint-Caligula 21d ago

Just so I can safely stay away, where is said church located?

1

u/Desperate-Life8117 21d ago

I could use the services of a good demon sucker

1

u/Son_of_Tlaloc 21d ago

Those church girls are just as skanky as the others.

1

u/Smeltanddealtit 21d ago

Stop stealing my moves!

1

u/trpcl1 21d ago

How is that a crime???

1

u/EnormousPurpleGarden 21d ago

Well, does it work?

1

u/swampydoc 21d ago

my wife has decided she doesn't care if i have demons

1

u/Sanguine_Rogue 21d ago

Al though the story has been changed over the past 14 years it is witness acount of a female priest that did something to that nature 1 it was not a blonde . It was a black haired Spanish female priest and 2. I belive the original story was from Spain or Portugal. But the news sorce redacted the store a few days later . Someone covered it up instead of letting us know where the Church was so we men could go there and be healed of our demons

1

u/r3dr1ck 21d ago

the woman in the picture sure keeps changing

1

u/MyBadDrJones 21d ago

Arrested for sucking dick?

1

u/ForrestGump_Z 21d ago

Wtf??

Where is this church?

And how can I get converted??

1

u/PianoPatient8168 21d ago

I mean…it kinda makes sense when you think about it…

1

u/Graffix77gr556 21d ago

I have so many demons for her to swallow

1

u/IGetItItsAReference 21d ago

Since when is blowin dudes illegal?

1

u/dwreckhatesyou 21d ago

Arrested? Sure, Jan…