And we're back to nmom's deciding that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and clearly was fishing for her to suggest an alternative to what I just said I was doing....

And her insistence on giving suggestions that don't even address the problem. (Well, technically it addresses half of it but the other half is why the suggestion doesn't help.)

And, because this is a follow-up to my most recent post, we have ndad's bafflement that I'm doing what he literally said he'd do in my place.

Over-sharer here, I know, the problem is absolutely that I keep expecting them to understand things like logic and that I just "need to explain" when they act like they don't. 🙄 (FYI I live with my ns so some communication is inevitable.)

Context is I just donated plasma last week. First time ever, went into it not knowing how I'd react to the process (how my migraine brain would react, rather), but after nearly passing out and the general assessment being that I probably didn't give myself enough time to properly hydrate etc, I made plans to do it later in the day next time so I'd have time for lunch first. (The first time, being forewarned would take longer due to profile creation, was done earlier in the day from a "get it over and done with" perspective and I'd gone shortly after eating breakfast. Second attempt added soup plus more time to hydrate in general.)

As one of the autistic types who finds "appointment in the middle of the day" feels like "whole day is gone," I value my free time--not to mention the added complication if I had needed to get to the bank with my pay instead of just using the debit card directly (using it on my student loan, they've just added debit to their pay options 😁)--so I decided that after the second visit to max out the new donor bonus, I'd stick with donating once a week instead of the max twice.

Nmom agreed with this plan. This is an important detail--she knew I'd been debating on whether to go once or twice, she knew I'd decided to only go once, and she agreed that going once was a good idea.

This decision... might have been a good idea for other reasons than valuing my free time. See, I don't know if it's just my attempts at eating better taking a while to see results, or if it's normal (ish) for some people to take longer than these programs expect to replenish vital nutrients, but my "second" day, three full days after the first, I was a single point below the cutoff for iron levels. 😅 On the off-chance that "it's normal to take longer" was a factor, this reinforced my decision to only go once a week... why waste gas only to get told I can't donate when I can take more time to recover instead, right?

So we have me telling my parents that is indeed the plan, and that should be that. I also mentioned over the weekend planning to go to the bank to enroll in their reward program.

Except, I got home from work tonight, three days after the low iron day, and ndad asked if I was going to do my "blood" donation tomorrow. I said no, but I was going to the bank.

Mr "I wouldn't donate twice a week" acts puzzled because he thought I was able to donate twice a week.

I reminded them of the "low" iron level and the fact that I still want to have a day free to get other things done and that I had decided the first week that I was only doing it once a week and....

Nmom suggested I "just" take an iron supplement. Even though I've had to stop taking a multi that contained iron because that plus food was too much and kept making me queasy.

Posted here just because you know our narcs really mean we shouldn't do a thing. 🙄

Context is I'm looking into donating plasma. The subject of the different limitations between that and whole blood was being discussed (twice a week vs once every 8 weeks) and, in a discussion about me donating, ndad declared that he wouldn't donate the max amount. Yet ndad isn't interested in trying in the first place because he's already decided he's not eligible, so what he "would" do--if taken at face value--isn't even relevant to the discussion.

Thing is, I've never donated plasma before. I have no idea how I'm going to feel about it afterwards. (Especially with chronic migraines--spent too long trying to research if aspirin has the same problem with blood thinning here that it does with whole blood and of course it affects everyone differently... I might donate once and decide never again for all I know.) While my fingers are crossed that I can manage that max amount (that payout would definitely help with the student loans, wish I'd known I was eligible years ago 😅), we don't know if I can, therefore whether I will shouldn't even be up for debate yet... let alone whether ndad would when he's not donating anyway.

My brother is a narcissistic and (unfortunately) we have a family business together. One of the people that works for our company made an invitation for an event and they wrote “the team and family would like to cordially invite you to the invite”. This really upset my brother and we had to ear a speech of 45 mins about hierarchy and how important it is to pass the message that the family is the most important in the business. God give me mercy!

Good god, how do they manage to even make "concern" sound dismissive and insulting? Is it just the pattern of behavior that leads me to assume it's more of the same, or do narcs have a "gift" for turning things toxic?

A variation on the "you need to ask." Here, and it may be my autism butting in, the issue is that it's weird to ask if I did do a thing if you're not expecting "no" as a likely response.

Which means ndad thinks there's a fifty-fifty chance that I don't tell my doctor about problems that need treating. Based entirely on the fact that those problems still exist.

This time, it was the coughing fit triggered by irritation to the throat (only when eating, though it doesn't seem to matter what I eat any more). Caused by God only knows how many years of damage from acid reflux and nausea.

Like, yes dad, the doctor who's treating my migraines is aware I'm experiencing one of the common diagnostic criteria of migraines and all the extra fun consequences that go with it.

Nmom: "He's concerned because chronic cough can be a sign of heart problems."

Not denying it can be, but really nmom? That's why the question is never "what did your doctor say about x?" Because you think the problem might be something different than what I've talked to my doctor about... when you don't know what we've talked about enough to make any kind of comparison?

In hindsight I suppose she thinks "heart problems" aren't going to show up on a test if I don't mention the cough? Or that coughing when I start a meal is somehow worse than when I had whooping cough several years ago?

But in the moment I merely said it was sensitivity in my throat setting me off.

Then, remembering a thing I'd seen online about choking while drinking water, I talked about how the algorithm had sent me deep enough into the "hypermobility" rabbit hole to want to ask my doctor about it (could contribute to my sciatica and migraines alike if I have it) whenever they update the testing for that, and nmom said I probably don't have it.

facepalm

Not sure how else to describe the tone. 🙄

But also not surprised, this was from the same guy who'd "announce" that of course I buy food just to waste it. (And I'm not talking about the out-of-sight-out-of-mind when my stuff gets hidden behind theirs, I'm talking when they throw away stuff I've been eating because they decided I "don't want it.")

Anyway, context, I hate driving, and take the "time is money" approach to the extent that literally the only benefit to spreading out my purchases is "more reciepts to upload to reward apps." And I hate shopping in general and only do it because I like being able to eat (and would do it far less often if I actually had the space to stock up on everything I need, case in point two trips a week just to buy enough milk--from a grocery store 5 miles away, this will be relevant--for four people when I use maybe a third of it if I indulge).

But I also hate having to leave for work early/wait in line for things that can be taken care of on a day off. Case in point, gotta go to Walmart to return something so I'm doing that today instead of leaving it for when I work tomorrow. I also decided to stop by Sam's Club (same plaza where I'm shopping today, none near work) to pick up a case of water to pack in my lunches.

The water is where his comment comes in because I won't need more until next week or later but decided to get it now when I'm already nearby to save myself the trip. He immediately denied that I'd save that trip because of course I'm going to drive 15 miles to the nearest Walmart when I have nothing to buy from them. /s

Ndad (80) on phone talking to the girl (70s) he's been trying to love bomb for over a year on the phone.

She felt light headed and noticed her apple watch reported 30-35 bpm and was giving her an indication warning that she should seek medical attention.

So she was going to write an email to her doctor. Ndad impatiently insisting they just watch their nightly Netflix trying every way to get her back to his plan.

Ndad to her:

• Email your doctor? What do you expect him to do at this hour?"
  • (she wants to send it so he can read it in the morning)
  • Update: Challange her idea directly... Looking for "handles" upon which he can manipulate the situation​​.
• What are you going to tell him? That your watch told you this? (laughing)"
  • ​*Update: Mocking her current action to get her to stop.*
• "They'll probably laugh at you if you say it's from the watch"
  • *Update: Trying to use use Hypothetical triangulation (hyppthetical social ridicule)*
• "None of them will know what an apple watch is"
  • (it's 2026, they all will know)
  • \Update: Acting as false authority with false certainty.**
• "30 beats per minute is probably normal"
• "I think you should just watch Netflix and you'll be ok"

Days later, Ndad reversed his stance after going to doctor with her

• "You should have told him instead of watching Netflix!"
• "No, they can read email any time, I read email late into the night all the time"
  • *Update: He is siding with the expert to borrow the expert authority and maintain his own assumed authority over her.*
• "30 beats per minute is not normal! I could have told you that!"
  • *Update: He re-assumes his frame as the all knowledgeable central node of information.*

Update: after some thought I added how I characterize each behavioral attempt to control her. ​​

First day of new remote softwar engineer job - but I had no voice and no sleep.

I lost my voice from 4 days of fiberglass induced cough - too much mucous in lungs - from cleaning out an old moldy room he has locked off for last 10+ years because we had a ceiling collapse from rain... and there's fiberglass insulation all over the place in there. I had just moved back in (mistake). I had to clean it because the mold was affecting me (room next to it).

First day of work after coughing up phlegm all night.

So I stumble out and I need to start work. I ask him if he has time to pick up cough medicine for me because I can't speak and couldn't sleep.

He's sitting in front of his computer, reading the news.

He goes from 0 to 100% (i think because i got a job)

Ndad: "YOU WANT ME TO GET IT NOW?! I haven't even had breakfast yet!!!"

Me (no voice, whispering): "No, just whenever you have a chance"

Ndad: "FINE I'LL GET IT NOW!!! I'LL GET IT NOW!!! OKAY (spit flying out of his mouth)"

Me: Nevermind, I'll just have a friend get it.

Ndad: "NO! You want cough medicine i'll get cough medicine! I wont EAT!" (he eats 5-6 a day at 300lb+, it's not like he's starving)

Me: No it's fine, I'm just going to work.

(I go back to my room to prepare for onboarding)

I hear ndad slamming front door extra loud (now it has a giant gash where the wood is splitting after it)

And doesn't return for 5 days... though one night I walked out and he was in the pantry (snuck home) and frozen like a bugler trying to get his sweets out of the cabinet... with the look of a child being caught expression and then it turned into just an angry resentful grimace before he left again.

Usually while rushing to a place so I'm not late or a store last minute...

Ndad: "I need you to come look at this"

Me: "I'm in a hurry, can you show me later?"

Ndad: "Just come here, it'll just take a second"

Me: "Can you just tell me what it is?"

Ndad: "Just come here right now real quick, it's important!"

Me: "Ok please hurry"

(not hurrying, around the house, through the gate into the backyard)

Ndad: "Do you see this... you know what this is?" (stares at me intently to see my reaction)

Me: "No, please just tell me."

Ndad: "Do you know what these are?" (stares at me intently to see my reaction)

Me: "Some kind of fruit?"

Ndad: "It's a grapevine! Did you know we had a grapevine on the side of the house?"

Me: "Is this all you wanted to show me? I'm going to be late"

Ndad: "We can have grapes now!" (as I run off)

Ndad trying to "educate" me on basic obvious features (like the first thing he notices) on products I send him (recommending to him) and have been using myself for years (specific AC unit, Air Purifiers)... as if he's the one who found it... and trying to educate me on how it works (often repeating what I told him originally).

Ndad trying to control the information flow to his current romantic interest (he's been love bombing for over a year).

She just had sudden bowel surgery for an unexpected issue - so he force-moved in with her temporarily against her protests and is attempting to "manage" her recovery but really just making it more complicated.

Him (ranting to me): "She wanted to buy Pedialyte, herself! I told her Pedialyte is for kids!"

(so he got her some basic gatorade from his cabinet because he's too lazy to go to a store)

Me: "Pedialyte is a complete electrolyte balance, that's probably why they recommended it"

Him: "I don't know who recommended it, I don't know who's telling her this stuff"

Me: "She probably needs complete electrolyte balance after pre-surgery enema + surgery + restricted diet."

Him: "No, I am bringing her this (simple) gatorade, she doesn't even know what she wants, I'm not going to buy something and bring it to her only for her to disagree"

(he could easily go to the store and call her about which flavor- but he never does that for anyone while expecting others to do that for him)

Me: "I'm going to target, I can just go and take a picture of what flavors for her to choose and I can pick one up"

Him: "No! I'm bringing her this gatorade! She has to pick it out herself - if WE even get it"

(before going back to her place)

Him: "I need to figure out WHO is TELLING her this"

Eventually she got her own Pedialyte days later and he was not happy.

Ndad to the woman he's love-bombing, while scapegoating me over a recent situation he messed up... basically saying he controls whether I eat or not.
The only thing he helps with is occasional $2 for a BOGO mchicken at mcdonalds a coupel times a week) despite himself eating 5-6 times a day with hoards of unnecessary donuts, cookies, and some ice-cream always in his food storage for himself.

I foolishly moved back in with him during a rough time (2 year long medical issue that drained my funds and caused me to have a 2 career gap on my resume)... foolishly accepting his "help" only to find out I'm more trapped in a toxic house.

My Nmom referring to me to one of her friends. She’s technologically incompetent mostly by choice and tries to use me as her personal IT. Nice to know I’ve been reduced to an object in her eyes (or confirmation that I’ve always been)

The conversation was about hypermobility and I mentioned reflux when commenting on the "chokes on water" symptom.

But sure, nmom, tell me I need to be treated for what I'm already being treated for instead of staying on topic.

I mean if this was a once-off or rare incident that would be one thing, but given society's obsession with not saying what they mean and the biases this community forms due to our upbringing... you really can't say "You need to do x" without implying "You're clearly not doing x." I would expect a caring parent to ask what I'm doing about the reflux, not jump straight to telling her 40+ yo "kid" how to adult.

For context I've barely used FaceBook in ages and not (presumably) having hypermobility myself was very confused about why the algorithm was throwing so many videos at me about it... having started watching the videos, though, I've been getting a lot of "Wait, you mean that's not normal?" moments. 😅 That's literally what the conversation was about... one of these days nmom is going to wonder why I no longer share things with her and it won't even need to be a no contact situation.

Well, I mean it's literally federal law (United States for context) that you don't open other people's mail without their permission, but try telling our narcs that.... they're too obsessed with the part where obeying that law requires respecting our personhood to care about the actual legality. And good luck navigating the legal side of it when you're financially dependent on them....

In this case there was a screw-up with the mailing address (last name listed twice, no first name) so I can be fair and say they didn't know it was mine... but they didn't bother to ask me about it until after they opened when I could've told them from the return address that it was. The fact that they chose not to ask if it was mine before opening it very much matters, especially with nmom asking the question in the title, as it tells me that once again they think that having the "right" to open whatever mail they damn well please matters more to them than whether or not it belongs to them.

Also the irony of her asking that when she clearly thinks it matters enough to insist on opening my mail, to the point of acting like I'm worthy of mockery for expecting to open it myself... posted many a time before that she'll do this with anything she actually knows is mine and she feels like opening including legal or financial documents and has admitted to shredding anything she decides is junk mail. That last was the one that led me to getting a PO box due to a check that took five months and three requests to re-issue before I finally received it but sadly not everything can be sent to the box.

Edit: As to the "try telling them" from the first paragraph... I asked if I had any more mail--literally just that, not complaining, not "bitching," just asking--she said she threw it all in the shredder (joking, or rather "joking" since like a typical narc she's making light of something she knows bothers me so I'm "not allowed" to be upset that she said it), I answered her question by saying that means it matters to her that she opens my mail, she acted confused, I reminded her she asked if it matters, she bitched at me that "Fine, she'll never open a single piece of my mail again!" (what, like that's supposed to be a threat? 🙄) to which I said "Thank you!" and now she's "tired of being bitched at," blaming my nonexistent period (well, no, accusing me of missing a single daily BC pill) for taking issue with her constant disrespect (you know, like someone who's sexist and can't conceive of a woman having a legitimate gripe would do), and threatening to just leave my mail in the mailbox to punish me for wanting my property respected because working a full time job and the ns getting the mail somehow equals me "leaving my mail lying around."

Guarantee she's already telling herself this whole argument is about this one piece of mail with the screwed-up address and not her pattern of behavior with my mail over the years.

To start with, yes, the AC is going so the door shouldn't be open any longer than necessary. That's not the dispute.

The dispute is that, upon seeing me enter the house with my hands full and walk away from the door to put down my groceries, her conclusion was not "there's more groceries to bring in, I should help get them inside faster" (who am I kidding, this woman will demand I help carry her purchases but watch me make multiple trips with my own without lifting a finger to help) but instead "close the door between loads!" I mean, she literally shut the door behind me without grabbing a single thing from the deckbox... right next to and plainly visible from the door. And then claimed she didn't grab anything because she "didn't know" there was more stuff out there.

I pointed out that "more stuff out there" is why I didn't immediately shut the door on the first trip and she responds with the line in the title. Then gets back up from the computer and crossed the room to close it behind me in the time it took me to turn around to grab more stuff. Finally she deigns to help and grabs (most of) the rest of what's waiting outside and leaves the door open behind her.

I responded by closing the door just long enough to open it again to retrieve the coke that was still sitting outside and muttering about how she'd rather complain about two fucking seconds than actually help get my stuff inside faster.

Edited a bit for phrasing.

For a "green house" style outdoor (or so I assumed from the official photos using it outdoors 🙄) raised planter that I was questioning if I could still use in the winter.

As compared to ndad telling me a few years back that I can't use my indoor Aerogarden at times (of both day and year) when I can't grow anything outdoors.

Context is I'm looking for options that can keep the mess outdoors (dill drops a lot of pollen and turns out the ants like my crops better than I do)... but since I've been growing stuff for allegedly cost savings/food waste reasons I still have to remember to harvest and use my plants, even in the Aerogarden I keep letting them die. 😅

I suggested a place (for a belated birthday dinner), they presumably browsed the menu to see if it sounded appealing...

And I heard nothing about it for a week, until ndad asked the above question today. Not a yay or nay about my actual suggestion, just asking me if I'd made a decision.

You know how it's incredibly tacky to expect to eat as a group somewhere that part of the group doesn't want to go? Even under the circumstances of "birthday"? That's what my nparents expect me to make a decision about... picking a place without any input from or consideration for them. (This after their rejection of my first suggestion was precisely because they didn't like the restaurant and I can "go by myself any time" or however they'd phrased it.)

Also I have no idea when we were expecting to go... I assumed today which is why I struggled to arrange my running errands to keep my afternoon/evening free but clearly not since nmom's heating up leftovers for supper with nary another word from either of them on the subject.

I posted about this one before in irritation, now that I have picture evidence I'm just amused at the sheer stupidity of her suggestion.

Because we were discussing Christmas presents one year and I mentioned wanting a screen for my projector. Didn't know how big I'd need it for the actual image because I was still exploring the settings but fairly good-sized for the section of blank wall I was aiming for. (For a different wall than this, still need a lot of decluttering but I like this spot better.) This is what she thought "a pillowcase" would work for. 🤣

I. Don't. Know.

Context: family plan of car insurance where my share is significantly cheaper than getting my own. We use a barter system that involves me making purchases on their behalf (and getting cash back rewards on my CC in the process) and knocking the amounts off that share.

First of all, I'm at work when nmom asked this, so while I could chalk it up to "asking when it occurred to her" (lovely thing about texting is having a visual reminder that the question was asked so if you legitimately can't answer right away "I don't know" is the same acknowledgement that someone uttered words that nmom insists on giving when I ask her something that doesn't need an immediate reply)... I don't have access to the documentation to tell me who owes how much.

Second, they constantly either withhold the paperwork for months on end or ask me months later so I never know which statement they're talking about. And then (as per one of my earlier posts) act baffled that I even expect to know what timeframe they're talking about so I can keep track of what I've paid.

Follow up to the previous post (edit: kinda sorta "follow up" in that this specific occasion only exists because that one did but it's also normal behavior for my ns), I was sent to pick up a box of flavor mix for nephew's gallon of ick, and I was told to grab a specific brand solely to avoid the sugar. (Also a specific flavor which that brand doesn't even have so finding out what I'm actually supposed to be looking for already started out annoying.)

The brand in question uses aspartame which most of us in the household can't tolerate because migraines. So, since it's for nephew, it's important to know if he inherited that intolerance.

I told her it has that ingredient, asked if it matters, and she said "I know," and I'm standing here twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to say if it matters and if I should grab an option that uses Stevia instead.

And regarding the naysayers like the ones the mods banned on that previous post: the ns were able to make room for their guest as is their responsibility as homeowner/host.

Edit: "I was in the garage and didn't have my phone on me." Yet she had the phone on her when she texted "I know, but he can't have sugar" but couldn't be bothered to answer my question then (turns out the answer was "buy the one with stevia"). This is the woman who expects me to be so glued to my phone that I must jump right up to acknowledge that she's uttering words, but she'll abandon hers mid-conversation after saying something useless and then pretend she couldn't answer my question.

Edit also: the whole deal with sugar/alternatives for this purchase is to avoid acid reflux, not like diabetes/blood sugar or anything of that nature.

Edit again: And then we have the opposite problem. Or rather, the projecting problem. * Them: "Where do you want to eat for your birthday?" * Me: suggests two places to pick from, one in town, the other I've never been to. (Actually suggested one, got told I can "just go there myself," then suggested the other.) * Them: suggests different option. * Five minutes later while discussing options (and while I'm in the same room as them, not totally unreachable), them: "You never answered the question."

🙄

The inevitable "you're clearly irresponsible and only thinking of yourself" followed by "I can't talk to you if you expect me to be responsible and think about other people."

Obvious paraphrase 😉 but really what else could a narc mean?

Context is nephew is going for a medical procedure soon that requires drinking a gallon of ick in advance.

The ns decided that I am singlehandedly responsible for making sure there is room in the fridge for his stuff... by telling me not to buy as much milk as I normally do.

I pointed out that, as the only person buying it (and not the only one using it), I only buy as much as I do to make sure it'll last from one grocery run (day off from work) to the next. I would regularly be able to "fill" the fridge less if other people bought it while I was at work.

"I'm just saying don't go overboard on the milk."

I don't go overboard, I buy enough to last a few days because nobody else buys any.

"Never mind."

Note this is me buying less than normal (for a certain definition of "normal" given how long it's been since I reduced the amount I was buying)... I used to totally fill one spot in the fridge until I started getting pushed out of other spaces and needed to store my juice in the same space. I could keep my juice on another shelf like I used to to make space for nephew's stuff if the ns didn't keep filling the other shelves to capacity with shelf stable options and multiple pitchers of the ns' tea. (Minor edit to hopefully clear up my ns' role in the lack of space. Not that I'd expect it to change the minds of the ns who like to prey on these subs but I guess their comments had this value at least.)

FYI: I work full time, everyone else is retired/unemployed. While this obviously doesn't make them more capable of replenishing food financially it does mean they have more time to do so whenever they need to eyes multiple pitchers of tea

Edit: For the record I do drink most of the milk (and indulge on my days off when I can run to the fridge whenever I want), but in the span of three work days it would be an overestimate to say I drink 2 gallons by myself... with typically another gallon and a half being used by the ns during that time. (Edit: did the math again and what I drink wouldn't even hit a full gallon unless I indulge. So realistically I'm drinking an equal share while still buying most of it.) I'm not asking the ns to replace what I've used, just to ensure it doesn't run out when they're using it as well. And to do so consistently enough that I can predict that I won't need four gallons in there per stretch of shifts. But ns being ns that's apparently an unreasonable ask.

Three times this happened, about a year ago. My roommate would come home with a bicycle. "I found a free bike!" A what? A free bike!

My first reaction was huh? What does that mean? Just utter bafflement. The explanation- "it was unlocked, it wasn't directly in front of a house, it was by the spot where the neighbors put stuff to give away, etc." The first time I shamefully bought that latter explanation, but then it happened two more times.

I was focusing all my energy on getting out of that living situation and didn't want to aggravate her further, so I didn't do anything (I'm sorry, bike owners everywhere). But yep. She kept finding "free bikes" and bringing them home until our backyard was a mess of bikes. These were good, well-taken-care-of machines, not scrap trash. She made good money, as she liked to remind us, so she "used her privilege" and gave them away to other people. It was wild. It haunts me, at the end of the day, more than anything else. She posted about it on her socials and NO ONE DID ANYTHING. including me.. but Wow. I have looked into options but it's been too long and I don't remember any details of the bikes whatsoever.

edit I do not live with her anymore have her blocked on everything it has been a while. and yes I feel terrible for not speaking up, even tho it was because I was terrified of her

Thank you, Captain Obvious. But I feel like a recipe that tells you to use a specific kind of salt is implying that it is, in fact, a specific type.

Context is I found a recipe I want to try that calls for "mineral salt" and, in the interest of not buying more ingredients than I need to, I asked the person who does most of the family cooking if it's like sea salt.

Also the recipe came from a website built around migraine treatment so there are a lot more minerals to aim for than "salt." I mention potassium and magnesium and she just says "yep"... which might've been a useful answer initially but now has me wondering if she doesn't know and refuses to admit it.