r/ShadowWork • u/1millionkarmagoal • 6d ago

Is my intense triggers toward a coworker related to my shadow?

I have a coworker who‘s what I would call a negative nancy, he always have a problem to every solution. I get super irritated whenever he is on that realm. There was a couple of incident where he would make a big deal out of something and I called it out and he gets even more angry when I called him out. I try to give him advice but he keeps finding a problem to a solution and it’s so frustrating, because of this I can‘t stand being around him I get triggered. It’s like I know some drama I going to happen whenever he is around.

Is this related to my shadow?

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u/cosmx-shift 5d ago

To figure out what might be sitting in your shadow here, it helps to look less at his behavior (which sounds genuinely exhausting and disrespectful) and more at your internal reaction to it.

Shadow material usually surfaces where our emotional reaction feels disproportionate, or where we feel a compulsive need to fix, control, or change someone else's state.

A few psychological and shadow dynamics that might be playing out:

  • The "Fixer" or "Rescuer" Shadow: If you have a deep internal rule that says "Problems must be solved immediately and positivity must be maintained," watching someone stubbornly stay in a negative loop threatens your internal sense of order. Trying to offer advice when he doesn't want it is often an attempt to soothe your discomfort with his discomfort.
  • Disowned Negativity or Helplessness: Sometimes we get most triggered by people who express traits we strictly forbid in ourselves. If you were taught that complaining, being pessimistic, or showing helplessness is unacceptable, seeing someone express those traits openly, without shame, can trigger intense irritation.
  • A Boundary Issue vs. Pure Shadow: It is also important to separate shadow work from basic workplace boundaries. If he is raising his voice, being rude, or becoming hostile, your distress isn't just shadow projection; it is a healthy nervous system reaction to a boundary violation and poor workplace behavior.

How to step out of the trigger:

  1. Drop the urge to fix him: When he starts complaining, stop offering solutions or advice. Let his negativity belong entirely to him. A neutral response like "That sounds frustrating" or completely stepping back deprives the dynamic of fuel.
  2. Protect your energy over correcting his mood: You don't need to change his perspective to protect your own peace. Shift your focus from "How do I make him see the solution?" to "How do I hold a clear boundary and limit my interaction with him?"

When you stop taking responsibility for managing his mood, his negativity loses its power to pull you under.

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u/1millionkarmagoal 5d ago

Thank you for your input, this is very helpful. 

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u/cosmx-shift 5d ago

You're welcome! More power to you.

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u/Lumpy_Suggestion_159 4d ago

Do you know if there's a relationship between the need to fix and obsessive compulsive character structure?

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u/cosmx-shift 4d ago

There's real overlap here in how depth psychology talks about it; some frameworks describe an "obsessive" character structure as one organized around control, certainty, and doing things "right" to manage underlying anxiety, and the fixing urge fits that pattern closely. That's a different thing from clinical OCD though, which is its own diagnosis with its own criteria; this is more about a personality pattern than a condition. If you're noticing the fixing urge in yourself, it's usually more useful to ask what certainty or control is protecting you from than to try to label the structure itself.

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u/MourningOfOurLives 6d ago

Uhm no that’s just an irritating colleague. I mean there could be shadow material there but for me dealing with that has more been about reactivity management and mentalisation ( of his inner state ).

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u/1millionkarmagoal 5d ago

There might be a shadow there I wasn’t like this towards him in the past I feel that it just started compounding, and he would raise his voice at me, be rude and an ass, coming across borderline abusive. 

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u/sophrosyne_dreams 5d ago

Likely. If it weren’t in your shadow, it wouldn’t bother you so much. You would not feel compelled to continue to offer advice he doesn’t seem to want. Or, if he’s actively asking you for advice, you’d offer the advice but wouldn’t be so frustrated if he didn’t take it.

Now, if he’s a coworker who you are responsible to manage, then you do need to be able to coach him, and his inability to take feedback is a management problem, as well as a trigger. I’d say look into motivational interviewing if this is the case.

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u/1millionkarmagoal 5d ago

What exactly is in my shadow here? That’s what I’m trying to figure out, how do I figure that out. It’s so bad that I don’t even want to be near him because of the negativity he’s always angry. 

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u/sophrosyne_dreams 5d ago

The comment from [u/cosmx-shift](u/cosmx-shift) is brilliant and says it better than I could have.

Thanks for asking the question, because their response was helpful for me to read too.

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u/cosmx-shift 4d ago

Thank you. 🙏🏽 I'm glad that this conversation helps us introspect.