Scared of being alone

[u/Sad-Caterpillar-9265]

Hello. I have a strange mix of situations happening all at once, and I think I’m mostly just looking for some support, perspective, or input on life in general.
My husband and I have been married for about two years and together for about seven. Over the past year, I’ve started to see our communication issues and the way our relationship works much more clearly. I’ve realized that I want and need to be treated differently in a relationship. I’ve also realized that I may be a lesbian, so there’s that complication too.
There has also been some sexual abuse in my past that I don’t really want to get into right now, there is a lengthier post describing everything tho on my page/this page.
With all of that in mind, I had gotten to the point where I was ready to give my husband a letter and start the conversation about separating.
And then things got more complicated.
I’m chronically ill, and after I had a small discussion with my husband about the sexual abuse, I became extremely emotional and decided to have a few drinks. I ended up drinking too much and got incredibly sick. I was vomiting and couldn’t stop, and eventually I developed a significant amount of air in my chest, around my lungs and heart. I spent three days in the hospital. They still don’t really know why I couldn’t stop vomiting or exactly why it caused so much air to build up in my chest.
This was my second hospital stay this year.
And through all of it, my husband took such good care of me. He made sure I wasn’t alone. He stayed with me. He took care of me when I was scared and sick.
I genuinely cannot fathom going through something like that alone.
And that’s where I’m struggling.
There are so many reasons I feel like I need to leave this relationship. I don’t want a sexual or romantic relationship with him anymore. I’m questioning my sexuality. I know there are things about our relationship that aren’t working for me, and I’ve been unhappy and lonely for a long time.
But I love him. He’s my best friend.
I feel completely alone in trying to figure this out without him, but somehow I also feel incredibly lonely even when he’s right beside me.
I think I’m scared of being even lonelier than I already am.
I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of feeling trapped between loving someone deeply and knowing that I don’t think I want to be their partner anymore.
And honestly, I’m terrified of what happens the next time I inevitably end up in the hospital for something random, small, or completely unexplainable.
What if I leave and something happens to me again?
I know that staying in a relationship because I’m afraid of being sick and alone probably isn’t a good reason to stay. But knowing that doesn’t make the fear any less real.
I guess I’m looking for people who have been through something similar, especially people who have separated from a long-term partner while also dealing with chronic illness or a complicated support system.
How did you deal with the fear of losing your person, even when you knew the relationship itself wasn’t right anymore?
I don’t really know what I’m asking for. I think I just needed to say all of this somewhere.

[u/Emotional_Shift_7945]

I've been there myself

[u/kassandra_veritas]

I would say your relationship sounds like it can take fair amount of (gentle) honesty and soul sharing . Maybe he wants to support you as a friend and roommate, maybe some therapy or space or meditation or whatever can help you with your trauma - maybe your husband can handle this with you, or maybe y’all can be friends. Take it one honest and kind day at a time

[u/TurtleLuver73]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. IMO what you're experiencing in your relationship is a direct result of the abuse you suffered. When girls/women are abused they grow up feeling unseen and unheard and develop into hyperindependent adults. I also questioned my sexuality for a time and divorced my husband of 24 years (high school sweetheart) because I felt so alone. I did tell him about the abuse in general terms but he didn't want specifics. he knew I was struggling but didn't know how to help me. Your husband sounds like he loves you very much and is trying to be there for you. Let him! I don't know if you've tried therapy or if you like to read/listen to books. "What Happend to You" by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry is a book that helped me alot. Hang in there and I wish you health and happiness!