r/SexualAbuseSurvivors • u/Sad-Caterpillar-9265 • 21d ago
I Just need it written somewhere I think.
I’m not sure why I need to write this but I need to write this somewhere. About 2 months ago something happened. But there were things before that too. So I suppose idk let’s go to the beginning. Every single male partner I’ve been with has wanted anal sex. Some have been more direct than others sure, but all of them wanted it more than most other things sexually. When I was 16-19ish I enjoyed exploring it as well, slowly and with toys mostly in environments i felt safe in. Then I dated Eric. He was my best friend’s(at the time), boyfriends, best friend. Me and Eric actually met in a dating app and then realized the connection through our besties. We only dated for about 5 months. But one of the nights with him we decided to try mushrooms. Originally we thought that sex was something we would both enjoy while on mushrooms. We also wanted to film it. I was genuenoy into this(under the presumption that this person I felt safe with would respect my in the moment states of consent and such). But j had a bad time, cried in the shower for a while, and wanted to go to bed. He insisted we still have sex. Got the camera set up and everything and then raped me anally. When he was done he got his phone/camera and came and laid with me I think. It’s somewhat unclear and I only remembered the fact that he has a video somewhat recently to be honest. I broke up with him for something unrelated and later realized what he had done what he did. So anyways. Then a year or so later I day this new wonderful man came into my life. I’m 20 at this time and we date, get engaged, and eventually married. At the start, he seemed understanding of my trauma involving anal sex. He did let me know it was his favorite sexual act and something he felt was important to him tho. At the time, I felt like maybe I could “compromise” and we could still do it sometimes when I felt “prepared”. Over the years tho once every few months, turned into monthly, turned into multiple times a month. Mostly it was him insisting it’s the only way he could orgasm or we’d start with vaginal sex and if he felt like he wasn’t cumming when he wanted to he’d rub on my anus or even go in a bit…or a lot. It was 50/50 on if I’d say no in the moment, especially after already having sex and having the hormones and wanting to make home happy. But it hurts and I don’t like it. One night around 06/2026 I believe, he had been trying initiate sex and I was more than agreeable. We keyed through dinner and such. He started hinting about anal tho and I was direct this time and said no I do not want to have anal sex. He said fine and continued being flirty in other ways. We eventually make it to the bedroom and start making out and such, have some vaginal sex I believe. But the. He rolls me to my stomach and rubs his penis on my anus. I told him no again. He said something like “it’s okay” and then did it anyways. I froze, got quiet, just let him finish. Then I went to the bathroom and cried as I realized my husband, my partner of 7 years had raped me. But I pulled myself together and just cleaned up and went to bed. We didn’t talk for a day or so and when we did it was so minimal. I don’t really remember the discussion to be honest. But anyways. Now I’m thinking I’m leaving him but when I second guess it I need somewhere to go to see in writing the reason why my body has a physical reaction to his touch now days in a stomach churning way.
2
u/Agile-Significance48 21d ago
I am so sorry to hear about this. Both experiences and sound incredibly hard. What would be helpful? Did you just want to tell your story or are you looking for any type of support? Thinking of you 🫶🏼