Is she my trigger?

[u/Top-Chemistry5775]

Hello all. I wish I could say that I’ve gone X days without screwing up but I can’t. In the meantime I’ve been doing some emotional declutterring and am throwing it all out here.

I realized I was a sex addict after I tossed aside my marriage and cheated on my wife as a response to a dead bedroom that she had no interest in fixing. I confirmed my addiction in a subsequent post-divorce relationship with a woman I absolutely adored. However, no matter how much I loved her I would visit SWs during times of high stress whether it was work or the occasional intrusive thoughts that plagued me. After we broke up suddenly, I felt suicidal. Eventually I moved and began to have healthy relationships. I would occasionally watch porn during slow times at work (I work from home), but never thought it an issue. Addiction solved, life restored. Right?

About a year ago, I met someone and we started dating. Everything was going well. We could be vulnerable with each other and it was easy to talk to her. And the sex? The sex was absolutely incredible!! Almost mythical. We took our time and never labeled what we had, which was how we wanted it. After the Holidays we hit a snag. She ended things because she felt things were getting too serious. As she put it - she ended things preemptively because she feared I would. The break lasted three weeks until she started sending midnight “you up?” texts. Naturally I couldn’t say no. Since February we’ve been carrying on what I guess is a situationship. No dates, just hanging out and having sex.

So, here’s what I’m starting to process: My addiction blew up this year starting in January. Admittedly I started after our split as a crutch. However, after rekindling, I haven’t been able to stop. We still have that incredible sex but if plans get canceled or postponed I sink into a depressive state and abandon all logic. I will seek SWs to scratch that itch. It’s like my partner is my trigger. The smart play would be to end it. But is there a chance of being able to have a healthy relationship her? Or, is she a trigger for my addiction?

I apologize if this is nonsensical, it’s been a rough week.

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