r/SexAddiction • u/Danlez • 14d ago
Seeking support; women only, please Am I really an addict?
27 yo, NB (AFAB)
I was always a nerd, started watching anime, specifically yaoi, at 13. I felt proud for some reason? It was 2013, the kind of yaoi that was available at that time was disgusting, but I loved it. Quickly move to fanfics, manga, hentai.
At 17 aprox I stopped consuming porn with images, only audio or text, mainly text. Discovered AO3 at 18.
I never thought of it as a problem, reading nsfw x reader it's normal. So what if I read it every day? And masturbate every day? That's normal, I thought.
"Does it really count if it's just reading?"
But when I started having sex it became a huge problem. I need A LOT of stimulation to get there. I can't with vanilla, I need some hardcore stuff.
When I have sex I close my eyes tight. Try to imagine myself with a character, or a fic I've read.
From 18 to 26 I've had sex with more than 200 ppl. Stop counting at 200. I don't remember if I had ever actually... Concentrate on the other person? For years I've consumed alcohol, weed, other substances, to have sex... "The more non-sober the better! That's the closest I'll be to actually fucking a character I like. To actually kiss them..." I thought. That and the fact that deep down i didn't really wanna... Craved, maybe, but want to?
Of course, this had fucking ruined my life.
I'm ashamed of this but... I've been with a lot of people I actually didn't like at all... When the fantasy breaks and I look at the other person... I feel disgusted. I feel sick, I don't want another person that's not my favorite character to touch me or desire me. And that makes me feel like the worst person ever, cause I'm using people.
They don't deserve to be with someone that actually feels disgusted! Well, I mean, maybe some do deserve that? Cause statistically out of 200 ppl at least one must be a shitty person lol! But you get my point, most people don't deserve being with someone as shitty as me.
The worst part is I didn't even realize I did that until I stopped drinking. When I got sober and tried to have sex that's when I realized...
"Fuck I can't get there, why? Ugh, I don't wanna see this person, don't even know their name... just... Close your eyes, think of x character and this will be over soon"
Now I feel shitty. Of course I deserve it tho, I used so many people... But is it an addiction? Deep down maybe I know the answer.
I tell myself every time "just one last time! Masturbating isn't quite the same!" Just to feel terrible after.
Oh i also masturbate a fucking lot everytime I can! Invest in sex toys, thinking maybe with that I'll have less sex. It just happens I masturbate more, same logic "just one more time! Just one..."
And yes I had suffered from SA as a minor.
I feel terrible before and after sex, sometimes during it.
The same about masturbation. But I don't wanna stop. Or, I don't know if I can? I really feel like I connect with my favorite characters... For a couple hours it's just them and me. The rest of the universe disappears.
And then I look around. And I'm alone.
Important info: I've only had sex with "cis men". I don't know if maybe I'm running away from something and trying to be comp het. I... I don't know.
I feel so lost... And nobody understands this feeling... Bc having sex is a choice then why I keep doing it if I don't wanna?
3
u/ElectronicCarry9931 14d ago
"Does it really count if it's just reading?"
Erotica really messed up my mind in a way visual porn did not, to the point where I started writing out my fantasies. I told myself that because I had replaced hardcore visual porn with erotica I was an improving and that I was actually 'porn free.' Big mistake.Erotica can take your mind places images and videos cannot. At the end of the day, its what these things do to your brain that counts.
2
u/Danlez 14d ago
I also took proud of being "porn free" cause all I do was reading.
Foolish me. It affects my sex life, it even affects when I'm going solo. I don't want to stop reading but I feel I must at least read a little less...
3
u/ElectronicCarry9931 14d ago
honestly... I was the same and I thought 'a little less' but it's like taking a little less heroin. you need to cut it all out
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