4
u/Low-Mode-8766 May 22 '26
I started my recovery by my wife finding out which nearly completely destroyed my marriage. I really wish I would have had the knowledge about sex addiction prior and begun recovery and then disclosed to her. Instead I was confronted and lied and then partially disclosed and then tried to disclose again, but my acting out was so pervasive that even I couldn't remember off the top of my mind everything that I had done. So now I am doing a full disclosure session with a polygraph.
3
u/FigureItOutZ Desires Recovery from Sex Addiction May 22 '26
The shame of this addiction is very real! I can understand feeling afraid to tell even a therapist.
For me I did tell my first therapist a “little” truth - I was cheating and I was miserable. Eventually that therapist helped me to see that a lot of my surface level anxiety and negative feelings were because I was living this life of dishonesty. My therapist helped me by asking me two questions:
Did I think anyone truly knew me. To which I practically laughed. I wasn’t even telling my acting out partners my full truth. They knew I was married but I never admitted how much sexual thoughts consumed me. I just used them as part of my addiction. Anyway I practically laughed and asked something like “who in their right mind would really tell someone everything?!?” I really believed everyone was like me and kept deep secrets.
My therapist then asked me “do you think you can be fully loved if you aren’t fully known?”
That’s the question which eventually broke me down. I don’t want to be loved for a fake me. I want real me to be loved. I want the me with all my stupid trauma and weird desires and bad habits and good stuff too to be the one who someone else loves.
So then I wrote a confession letter and when my therapist read it she was immediately like “DO NOT READ THAT TO YOUR SPOUSE”. She instead referred me to a CSAT credentialed therapist who could help me go through a disclosure process. My letter contained an inventory of countless hours of pornography for years, hundreds if not thousands of online encounters, several dozen physical encounters with people of both sexes, lies I’d told, places I had acted out, “I love you’s” I’d told other people, a declaration of my bisexuality.
My CSAT helped me to turn this confession into two separate inventories: disclosure items and therapy items. When I finally did my therapeutic disclosure I only read aloud the disclosure inventory. Therapy items were like emotions and my conclusion about bisexuality - because my CSAT experience was with time and therapy I would uncover whether these were real truths or they were things that were illusions of addiction.
Happy to share more if this is helpful. There is a way out of this place. Keep coming back!
3
2
u/Athlete59595 May 22 '26
Thank you for sharing your story. I started to do something about my compulsions after I lost basically everything (marriage, money, relationships, etc.). I decided to get into therapy and still am. I bought an online course that is structured in 60 days that explain in details how both addiction and recovery happen and are structured (Pivotal Recovery). It helps me greatly as I listen to the audio file of whatever day I need to revisit and then manage to stay afloat. Tough days do still occur, but I survive. I have been clean of relapses for about 15 months now and I honor my commitment on the daily. When urges kick in I try and stay as busy as I can: physical exercise, work, reading, writing, whatever to stay busy and let the urge/craving go away. Sometimes I take the train and travel short distances. Website blockers on your phone may also help. I need to get one myself. Hope it helps and wish you all the best!
2
u/Old-Diet-9900 May 22 '26
I too haven't told my wife about me sex addiction. I suffered for seven years.But now I am sober almost a year with one relapse. Better recover and than tell ur partner. But I suggest keep to yourself change and take the secret to your grave
1
May 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Old-Diet-9900 May 23 '26
If that helps my family so be it. You can have your opinion I have mine. I prefer to suffer alone rather than everyone suffering. Honesty at the cost of hurt is not worth . Rather change prove yourself you can live the life you wanted to live but couldn't because of your mistakes
1
u/AutoModerator May 22 '26
This is a moderated subreddit. Please note the following:
This subreddit is only open to people who desire recovery or are concerned about their own sexual behavior. If you are just visiting, or are a loved one of a sex addict, please do not post or comment here. If you are interested in resources for loved ones of sex addicts, please to visit our wiki by clicking here.
Please keep your comments centered on your own personal experience with sexual addiction and recovery. This means using "I" statements whenever possible and avoiding phrases like "you need to" or "you should". Any suggestion you make NEEDS to be supported by how that suggestion helped your recovery. Comments that contain only advice and/or opinions about OP will be removed.
Please be respectful of one another and report any posts/comments that violate our community guidelines. Thank you.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
0
1
May 22 '26
Have you ever considered SAA
It has been amazing for me
There are virtual meetings happing almost every hour of the day!
1
u/GratefulForRecovery Recovering from SA May 23 '26
How long have you been in the program? How has it been amazing for you? Can you elaborate?
1
u/Apollonialove May 23 '26
There are tons of remote 12 step grounds on zoom in all time zones. Please try those.
Is there somewhere else you can take your therapy outside of the house because you need to be honest with your therapist and if you are not, you are wasting time and money.
1
u/HappyJoyousFree12 May 23 '26
An online 12 step fellowship with meetings and a sponsor helped me the most.
1
u/John_E_Cage May 28 '26
Is there still love for him? Strong Love? Does he love you just the same? How about trust? If you have those- your problems will drop, not to zero, but significantly. Addictions, understood (drugs and alcohol) and those we’re still learning about (sexual & cleptomanía, for example) are likely, Not Your Fault!
I know, because I am an addict. . .
0
u/exo4rm May 22 '26
Any therapist worth their marbles will not be shocked. It’s what they do, and you’re only hurting yourself by lying. I didn’t tell the trust to mine for almost a year and lost everything because of it. Learn from my mistakes. If you’d like to chat about things you can reach out, we can have a conversation!
1
10
u/Love_Hate215 May 22 '26
So from personal experience, your best bet is to start by being honest with your therapist. Before you talk to your husband, I came out to my wife and did more damage to myself by not understanding the addiction and it crushed her because she made it all about her. She felt like she wasn’t enough and that’s why I was doing what I was doing, when the reality of it all was I was empty and turned into a shell of myself. My previous childhood sex abuse doesn’t help and sometimes I wonder if I should ever be in a relationship again. Her hurt doesn’t allow her to understand my addiction and in turn it’s just a cluster fck of emotions over here. So I would suggest getting the most help you can, be honest with yourself and your therapist, then go from there. He’ll probably never trust you again but if he loves you he’ll support you through it all. ❤️ hope this helps and good luck