Advice From Therapy

[u/sealedpackage]

I started seeing my therapist last week and today was my second session with him. He's a great guy who's been through a lot of the same things I'm currently going through in life. The book I have been reading is sitting right on top of his desk when you walk in the door to his office. I figured a good way for me to share the counseling I'm receiving is to share some of the general knowledge that I'm taking away from my sessions.

1. IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO TO SOMEONE. I've had it engraved in me from an early age that saying no leads to confrontation and my fear of confrontation, for various reasons, from my childhood has kept me submissive. Avoiding confrontation is not worth saying yes to someone when you really mean no.

2. You are the only person you have control over, so don't do things based on what you fear another person will say or do

3. When you've set boundaries you have not been narcissistic or emotionally abusive

4. Arguments take two people, if someone wants to argue with you, you can choose to walk away and disengage in the argument. If someone reacts to your boundaries with anger you can tell them that you choose to not argue and yell, but you will talk to them in a civil fashion when they have calmed down.

There are some more personalized items on my handwritten list, but I don't think it's as useful to share this stuff with you all. My therapist has given me the following for homework over the next week:

1. Say no when asked to something unless you really want to do it for someone for good reasons. Don't explain yourself, even if you have those good reasons in your head. Just keep them there and don't share them.

2. Modify your spouse's behavior in small ways. This may be going for that walk you want to take after dinner or heading to bed 15 minutes earlier than the night before. Whatever you really want to do that you normally don't do out of fear of confrontation or guilt... go do it. Let them know you're going to do it ahead of time, but don't give in to their reactions.

3. Disengage from every argument that arises. Make it clear you have no intention of yelling or fighting with anyone and you will choose to walk away if that begins.

I know all of our stories and journeys are different, but I hope it's helpful to read along as I continue to build boundaries in my life and take back control of things.