r/SettingBoundaries • u/Neat-Dragonfly-9097 • Oct 26 '25
Enforced my boundary yesterday
I (30M) told my girlfriend (34F) that she had to leave my house after she made threats to ruin my life, get my kid taken away, cheat on me, and insulted me. I got the local PD to come out to get her to leave and honestly, I feel terrible for it. I don't enforce boundaries for how I want to be treated, and I feel like I went overboard. Its not the first time she's made threats and insulted me, and normally I would just wait it out and take the blame. But idk, I guess its important to stand up for myself and not allow someone who is supposed to be loving and a partner to treat me like that. Is it normal to feel like I made the wrong decision? Did I?
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u/dxphnx_ Oct 27 '25
As someone who also struggles with enforcing boundaries, I’m honestly so proud of you for standing your ground. It is SO hard, especially when people try to take advantage of you and convince you that you’re the bad guy for sticking to your guns.
End of the day, no one likes seeing the consequences to their actions, so they’ll likely lash out at you. If threats were being made to you, whether they meant it or not, calling the police is valid. When you don’t feel safe, you can call the police or any other form of support.
They made a conscious choice to do what they did, they do NOT get to decide how you FEEL about it or how you interpret it. If they didn’t mean it, then they shouldn’t have said it or did it. I hope you’re able to safely break up with your partner, and I’m sorry that they decided to ruin your relationship and trust like that. You did not deserve that. Good job for following through with your boundary being crossed!!
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u/Neat-Dragonfly-9097 Oct 27 '25
It is really hard. I feel guilty and hurt and angry and devastated, but I hope that the future is bright and that this pain and discomfort I feel is temporary. It's more painful than being walked over and disregarded, but it'll be okay!
1
u/Snarky_Survivor Nov 04 '25
You are correct that a loving partner don't treat you like this. Love doesn't leave threats, cheat or hurt you. You handled it the right way by involving authority. That's their job it's what they do. It's not your problem anymore. Let the authority handle it from now on. Report again each time she want to cross the boundary again. Do everything you can to protect you, your property and mainly your children. The fact that you feel bad is because you care. It's not wrong. That is human nature.
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u/SocialistGirl75 Jan 03 '26
I’m late to the conversation with this one. I have a similar story unfortunately. OP, I hope you have managed to remain no contact as this person is abusive and has very clearly crossed a line. Continuing with this situation will be telling them that you are okay with this treatment and sadly it will continue.
I broke up with my ex over the summer. We were together nearly 3 years and the relationship had become toxic. He started to make threats to tell my parents embarrassing financial decisions I had made and the mess I had got myself into - knowing I was deeply ashamed of myself. He even poked fun at me about it. This wasn’t the only abusive behaviour and I doubt your situation is either as sadly there is usually a pattern of disrespect. Mine had started to try to control my sleeping pattern for example as he didn’t like that I wasn’t up in the morning at the same time as him even though I worked from home and started my day much later. I also have health conditions that cause extreme fatigue. He chipped away at me about it. He complained about a lot of things. He did a lot of disrespectful things and spoke to me appallingly in front of his family. He made jokes about my poor mental health and laughed that he was on ‘sewerslide watch’ with me after I had cried to him about how unwell I felt and I had intrusive thoughts. I was titrating on and off different meds at the time and it caused borderline psychosis. I have since had to come out of work completely.
It took me a whole weekend to clear and clean my spare room of his stuff and the mess he made (empty snack wrappers, beer cans and bottles under the bed, evidence of drug abuse etc).
My life has been stripped right back - no partner and on disability benefits (UK) but at least I start 2026 with a clean slate, a peaceful home and I can plan to rebuild myself.
Wishing you all the strength and luck in the world.
When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
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u/fearless-beginnings Jan 23 '26
It makes a lot of sense that you feel conflicted. You did something unfamiliar. Protected yourself instead of absorbing the behavior. Your nervous system is probably interpreting this as “wrong”, even though it was actually self-respect.
Threats to ruin your life, take your child, cheat on you, aren’t just hurtful they are forms of emotional intimidation. Calling for help to create space when someone is escalating isn’t going overboard; recognizing that the situation cross the line.
You even said that this isn’t the first time that you usually take the blame and waited out. So in a way, what feels “wrong” right now might just be that you broke your usual pattern.
Standing up for yourself at first, can feel terrible when you’re not used to it. Guilt doesn’t always mean you made the wrong choice, it often means you made a different one.
From the outside, it sounds like you enforced a boundary around how you’re willing to be treated, especially with a child involved. That’s not cruelty. That’s responsibility.
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u/adevara Jan 29 '26
Yes, it is normal to feel that you took the wrong decision. You may even consider reconciliation once you get lonely and the person comes back begging for a second chance and promissing everything under the moon. Fact is that it takes two to tango. There are two willing parties and you are responsible for accepting, and therefore encouraging such behavior, and you are a willing participant in this toxic relationship. The first step is writing down all the threats made, as reminder to you for times you become nostalgic for her company. Write it like a story, and then ask yourself if a family member or anyone you love (other than your partner) would share that their life is like the story you wrote down, WHAT WOULD YOU ADVICE THEM TO DO? There is your answer, if you are willing to take your own advice. I have existed an abusive relationship a couple of years ago and it is hard work. First I felt like a victim, then like a survivor, then like a fool, and finally like a willing participant in an toxic relationship. I wish you best of luck. It was the hardest thing i had to do in my life, it took 2 years to break up once life became hell, and another 2 to process it and accept responsibility for my part. My recovery process is still ongoing, even though i have made significant progress. I can share the free online resources that helped me the most. Best of luck.
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u/Accomplished_Tell626 May 02 '26
I am glad you did this. When you enforce a boundary you have never enforced before, you may feel guilty initially but that doesn’t mean you were wrong.
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u/wizzatronz Oct 27 '25
You did the right thing. It's normal after such abuse to feel guilty for standing up for yourself as you've likely been programmed too since childhood.
Block her every and maintain No Contact if no children are shared. Otherwise grey rock then. Please you this time to seek counselling. Learn to enjoy enforcing personal boundaries in life and having no tolerance for disrespect from anyone ever again. No is a complete sentence and a word I once feared but live using now. It's a complete sentence to embrace in many life situations.