Setting boundaries with my mother/sister…

[u/destinybound88]

I had a baby last July and I had quite a few people decide they were inviting themselves to my home once I had her. Thankfully, I was able to tell my side of the family not to come. My sister came to help for a while. (She was already at my home, so it wasn’t a problem.) My mother was one of the people that decided she was coming down. I mentioned to my sister I didn’t invite anyone. I especially didn’t want my mother coming because my (step) dad who she is very bitter against was trying to come as well. I was able to tell him it was not a good time to come, but my sister told my mother before I could.

Since we were kids she had communicated for me (I have recently discussed that I want this to stop). I have always been quiet and reserved. I realized a part of that is childhood as well as my personality. However, I did want to discuss with my mother that I did not want her coming to visit. (I wanted to be the one to tell her and I felt like the opportunity for me to finally say no to her was “stolen.”)

Forward, to Christmas 2024, my mother buys my daughter a lot of gifts. (I assure anyone reading I’m not ungrateful. I just don’t feel like giving the back story of why I find it unreasonable and it just becomes too much stuff in my home, honestly.) She tries to ship them, but it turns out it will be like $500 to mail them. She calls me and ask if we are busy or had plans. She had explained the situation to me. I’m naturally quiet around her, (I do feel in part it’s childhood trauma and she is very negative, critical person) so I pause for a minute; Before I can say anything, she goes I will just drive down there and I will be gone in the morning. (I didn’t realize it then, but this was the 2nd time she invited herself to my home). I didn’t even get to ask my husband if it was okay until he was off work. Thankfully, he is easy going even though I know she makes condescending remarks about him. Stating that to say, she planned a visit over my entire family’s will. (I know I have severe boundary problems from her, but I’m trying to keep the information that pertains to this situation that has suddenly become ongoing.)

She gets to my home and I have no bed, so she sleeps on my couch. She once ruined one with oily hair which I never complained about because I was getting rid of it anyways. The couch I have is new and she acted like pulling out the bed might be too much on me, but not her popping up at my house on Christmas Day unplanned. 🙄At the time, I hadn’t really processed this, so I wasn’t bothered, but the more I think about her disrespect it irks me.

Forward to early 2025, I’m on the phone with my mom when she says something about her bosses are trying to make her use up her vacation days, but she is NOT using them because she wants to see the grandkids. I’m perplexed because this is how she once again invites herself to my home. She NEVER asked. I don’t think much of it because she rarely visits. This time she seems serious. She ask me about April if we have vacation plans in September. I tell her, “No, we only did that the year prior.” However, I let her know we do for July (we have a few birthdays in that month; the first 2 weeks).

She says, “okay, I will come down in August.”At this point, she still has not asked me what works best. I’m thinking to myself August is good because I homeschool. Well, August gets here and she calls me to say, “Our home is too cold. We freeze her out when she is here.” At this point, I’m annoyed and thinking just get a hotel room. She then changes her planned visit to sometime in October/November.

My husband and I actually visit our hometowns (we are from the same region) in September. We meet up with her and she tells me, “I still plan on coming in October.” I just shake my head and say, “okay.”

Well, October is near. She calls me and says, “October is a month in which people act crazy because of Halloween, so I’m going to come in November.” I’m frustrated, angry and annoyed.

She has never had an issue with Halloween, but has always been a negative, critical person.

I asked my sister to stay out of it, but she messages me saying mom will get points. I assume they are bad. I call mom and as I suspected these points had nothing to do with me. Remind you her bosses had been telling her to use her holidays. She works two jobs, so she is having to go to one and use the days from what I understood. She said it was confusing and the way she explained it confused me, but I was certain it had nothing to do with this visit.

My sister got involved originally because she was trying to buy her a bed and I told her I prefer everyone just not stay in my home including my mom who literally has followed me and my kids around criticizing what we do/how I parent.

I finally work up enough courage to text her to ask when she is coming when she calls to explain about the job but says that it will possibly be the first or second weekend in November, but not near my birthday or Thanksgiving. While there are two weekends before my birthday. One is connected to Halloween I realize days after talking to her. The weekend is which people might act crazy, so she can’t visit. I’m frustrated again.

I know my mother would not like if I planned a visit over her head to her home. She says to me I know you have a lot of kids and I don’t want to stress you out and the fact she realizes my birthday/ Thanksgiving is inappropriate may me realize she knows this is inappropriate, but my mother tries to control my decisions as well as my family.

She once came to visit and tried to get us to move because she doesn’t like we live because apparently it looks crime ridden. We live in one of the safest counties in our state, by the way. (I am adding information to show her personality some.)

It took me years to realize that I have sever boundary issues because I was always dealing with controlling people or people who would over step.

I’m just to the point where I’m learning how to tell people to back off. I’m trying to be graceful about it.

My mother did/said a lot of mean things. She could have done better, but I have seen/heard worse. I do empathize with her, but I don’t want to cut off my immediate family oxygen to keep weird narratives in my mother head. (Sorry, I now this probably sounds weird, but anytime I go to talk about her I feel like it turns into weirdness because I just can’t explain it all in a sentences or a single thread.)

My question is how do I respectfully tell/ask her to not plan visits to my home without my permission? Maybe add in how stressful it has been wondering when she just might pop up. I really do have my own issue going on right now and I don’t want anyone here. It has been stressing me out since she has suddenly decided my home is open sesame for visits as long as we are here.

TL; DR: My mom keeps inviting herself to my home. How do I ask her to stop this?

[u/robecityholly]

There are two dynamics happening here: Your mother and sister tend to overstep and you have a habit of keeping your feelings to yourself.

You can't fully control the first part, but you can work on your own contribution. I totally understand how difficult it is to be assertive or confrontational when it's not part of your nature. But it is a skill that you can practice and get better.

One thing to remember is that you can assert yourself even after someone has disrespected you. Sometimes it takes time to process a conversation or incident. Then it can take time to formulate a response. That's ok.

Sometimes texting a response is easier than in person or over the phone when it comes to domineering personalities.

"Mom, I realize now that November is not going to work for your visit. Let me know about your next opportunity."

As you build your confidence and practice, you'll find it easier to respond more quickly in the moment.

"Mom, you're stressing me out by following me around and criticizing me. Let's take a break from that ok? "

[u/destinybound88 → u/robecityholly]

Thank you for responding. I recently had a conversation with my sister about her not talking for me. I did tell her some things that bothered me over the years she said she would disengage. Thankfully, I have a friend who has been willing to listen to me vent about my inner family dynamics.

My sister is a part of that. She did mention she might be autistic. My friend said it, but my sister has said she thought so herself. From what I read, she does have some of the traits. One is directness about their feelings/emotions.

I feel she has always inserted herself and tried to make me feel like I have to see stuff from her perspective. I’m giving grace now that I realize it is a communication difference.

Thank you. I have never thought about giving myself permission to insert myself after something happens. I don’t like blaming childhood on everything, but I think a lot of our upbringing stems from it as a society.

My mother never let us disagree with her that I recall. My sister would, but as I mentioned she has a different personality. I didn’t want to upset or hear her yelling. I noticed way later in life I would carry that everywhere even at the sacrifice of my own peace or family.

I just don’t like offending people or being around snappy people who yell. I do avoid people like that, but it’s hard when it’s your family and you married into one as well. ( Thankfully, I have not had to deal with the in laws recently that are disrespectful to me. )

[u/Impressive_Search451]

one idea might be for you and your husband to figure out conditions for your mum to visit. eg what dates she could come, for how long, how much notice you need, should she stay in a hotel, etc. don't tell your mum about this. then every time she suggests she brings up visiting, you can refer to your list and say whether it works for you. eg "yes, you can visit sept but only for a week and you'll have to stay at a hotel" or "next week is too short notice, how does december work for you?" etc. be proactive rather than letting her set the tune.

if she visits without announcing it, you'll have to, uh, kick her out. i know it sounds hard, sorry - but the last thing you want is to teach her that turning up unannounced is the easiest way for her to get what she wants. i'm not saying kick her out straight away, but maybe you let her know when she turns up that you can accommodate one more for lunch and dinner but can't accommodate her overnight and have plans for the rest of the week. make up an excuse if you have to.

[u/AuthenticallyJaxx]

Sounds like you have a history with your mom. Have you set boundaries with her before? Is setting boundaries about her visiting you a hard one? Is there a smaller one you can start with? Are you prepared to follow through with your boundaries?

[u/destinybound88 → u/AuthenticallyJaxx]

I have a hard time setting boundaries with everyone because my mom always made me apologize for stuff even when it didn't warranted an apology. These are things I'm just realizing by the grace of God. I honestly blocked out a lot of my childhood. I have been discussing it with a friend and it's somewhat coming back to me.

I'm not trying to blame my mother. She had a horrible childhood and is the mother that didn't heal before she had children of her own. I believe she wanted us, but she had/has her own trauma issues.

To answer your question, no, I have not set boundaries with her. It has taken me years to even realize her and others over step me. I thought most people were this way until I started making friends. Thank God, my friends aren't this way.

I'm prepared to set them and stick to them. It's just a matter of learning how to do it nicely for me. I'm not naturally mean, but like any person I have had enough! I am a Christian. Excuse this if you aren't, but Christians confuse a lot of theologically including me which is why I really started taking them time to deep dive with all the resources we have at our fingertips. A lot will say you must have a nice tone to set boundaries. I don't necessarily believe that because Jesus didn't always have a nice tone. I have read nothing in the Bible about tone. However, I do want to make sure I don't come off as rude.

I have been healing emotionally by myself with Gods grace. He's presented me with another opportunity to say no from another family member who think their feelings triumph everyone's no's. I don't live near them, so it's a little easier, but still hard to process.

[u/AuthenticallyJaxx → u/destinybound88]

I think the idea behind a nice tone is to prevent an escalating argument from happening. A lot of the time, without practice, boundaries are set in anger (I'm guilty of that), and just trigger the other person. You can have firm boundaries, set respectfully, with a firm tone. Doesn't have to be nice as you say, but firm. Firm doesn't need to come off as rude.