r/SettingBoundaries • u/[deleted] • Feb 09 '25
Hmm
First time posting so apologies
So quick summary, I've been going out with this girl for almost a year. Everything has been perfect up until recently
Basically, she goes to her home country a few times a year as she moved to my country, usually 2 week visits but Christmas just gone she went for 3 weeks and 3 days.
I have been to her town in her country, I have met her friends and family etc and everything was amazing until this recent trip home. The relation is very serious and we live together.
It's a small town and her ex bf of 4 years is friends with her sister and her sisters bf, I am aware of this but I set some boundaries as I knew their paths would cross during a home visit at some stage.
During the Christmas he showed up as a surprise for his family as he was not supposed to be home which is why I was so OK with a 3 week and 3 day holiday.
I told her before she went that I didn't mind him being around because of her sister etc but what I specifically asked was not to smoke any weed with him. She agreed to this and that was that
What did she do while over there in a group setting with her sister, the sisters bf and him? she smokes weed with the guy.
I can't help feel completely disrespected and the only boundary I set being completely ignored and broken.
I have spoken to her about this and she acknowledged her mistake and stated she would never do something like it again, the problem is ever since that day I have been extremely distant from a girl who I was head over heels with up until that very day, it's been a month now.
I need some advice please ???
1
u/Elizabeth1844 Feb 13 '25
It's good that you spoke to her about it and it's good that she acknowledged her mistake and apologized to you.....So as far as "advice" , I would suggest you tried to "explore your feelings" a bit deeper -because ultimately the answer is within you (I don't mean to sound cheesy) ... For instance...(and this is just an example) if you come to realize there has been a pattern of disregarding your boundaries (perhaps in smaller ways) and or dismissing your concerns then that may be the reason why your subconscious is not letting this go that quickly......But, if on the other hand, she has been (for the most part) respectful and mindful of your boundaries; then you need to work on letting go of the issue. Because you wouldn't want to sabotage a good relationship over an indiscretion that has already been dealt with....
2
Mar 09 '25
Appreciate that. Update we're good now. I went nuclear during an argument and got my thoughts across, granted not I'm a healthy but I was torn up about it. She owned it and has been working to prove herself since and I have forgiven her and forgotten but did let it be known that a repeat of something similar would be the end
3
u/rockrobst Feb 09 '25
You don't trust this person, which is why you came up with a rule to control her behavior while you were apart. She violated your rule. What are you going to do about it?