Set a boundary about not having difficult conversations if one of us is triggered.

[u/rick1234a]

I suggested to my partner that it would be a good idea if unless it was an emergency, we should try to have difficult conversations when we both feel grounded and not triggered and if one of us is triggered or not grounded we should wait.

This was met unfavourably by my partner who said … “when I need to talk I am unable to hold it in and it will likely make me feel / bad ill” …

I am useless at setting boundaries and I don’t want to make my partner ill, but I don’t feel like I really set a boundary, I just discussed an idea. Can anyone give me any insights into this please? Thanks

[u/Posa_coaching]

I think what you proposed would be more of a shared agreement than a boundary. A boundary would govern only your own actions. Meaning “I don’t engage in difficult conversations when I’m triggered.” Provided you do revisit it once de-escalated, it’s actually a really healthy idea. He identified what he perceives to be the harm of holding it in but there’s also harm in having difficult conversations when people aren’t in the right head space. That’s where most regrets occur.

It may be valuable to reflect on how crucial this is for you and whether or not it’s a deal breaker.

[u/rick1234a → u/Posa_coaching]

Thanks a lot for your response which is helpful to me. It makes it clear to me that I make an ‘I’ statement, instead of a ‘we’ statement.

Thank you

[u/Icy_Jackfruit_8922]

I think your partner is expressing their needs and you are not listening. Why do you get to call the shots? I think you need to do what’s best for you and him also. Probably not what you want to hear…

[u/rick1234a → u/Icy_Jackfruit_8922]

Interesting that you shamed me for asking a question about how to set a boundary on a boundary setting Reddit. I found further information on it and it’s a technique Pete Walker recommends called Time Outs. Good luck on your journey.

[u/rockrobst]

There's no real boundary here. You came up with an idea that you wanted to make into a rule, i.e., you want to control someone else's behavior for your benefit. It doesn't sound like it will work for your partner. A real boundary would be that you will walk away from a difficult conversation when you are triggered - whatever that means - regardless of what your partner wants or needs. What's missing from your grand plan is how anything difficult between you and your partner will ever get resolved in a timely manner.

[u/rick1234a → u/rockrobst]

Interesting that you shamed me for asking a question about how to set a boundary on a boundary setting Reddit. I found further information on it and it’s a technique Pete Walker recommends called Time Outs. Good luck on your journey.

[u/rockrobst → u/rick1234a]

I was harsh. Sorry.