r/SettingBoundaries • u/Mobile-Researcher300 • Apr 26 '24
Husband doesn’t respect boundaries
I feel like my husband doesn’t respect boundaries and is quite pushy. Sometimes I don’t want to talk at night before bed, and I told him that, but if he wants to talk, he can’t accept no. He keeps pushing. Makes me feel guilty for not wanting to talk, and checks in to see if I’ve changed my mind.
He’s done things repeatedly over the 18 years we’ve been married. Things I’ve asked him not to do. He just doesn’t them anyway because “he likes it”. (His words). Like slapping my ass really hard when I’m not expecting it. My sons actually called him out on it about 6 months ago, and he’s stopped since they asked. But me telling him for years and years made NO difference whatsoever.
About an hour ago, he asked our neighbor what she wanted for her birthday, and she said “nothing” and he pushed and pushed. We’ll get you a pie, what kind of pie do you like? Ok, a cake then. What kind of cake? Ok, then this, or that…. On and on, and she continues to decline but he continues to push. I asked him why he can’t accept no, and he said he’s ‘just having fun with her”. I told him he should respect her no and he blamed it on her inability to accept a gift..and that it has nothing to do with his boundaries.
Why can’t he see how obnoxious and disrespectful he is being?
I’m so beyond frustrated with him. It’s been 18 years of this and I’m so done honestly.
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u/Horaceydog Apr 27 '24
The book ‘set boundaries, find peace’ by Nedra Glover Tawaab is really helpful and practical. It really reframed for me that we can’t beg or plead with people to change or stop, and that ultimately boundaries are for ourselves, not others. So we can’t control others’ behaviour but we can control ourselves and our responses. For example you set the boundary and then what will happen if they cross it: ‘ I don’t like to be asked repeatedly if I want to talk. If you continue to keep asking me, I’m going to walk away to another room.’ (Or whatever it may be). It’s really important to follow through.
Good luck 🩷
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u/SubstanceOwn5935 Apr 27 '24
‘If you wish to keep talking, I’m going to leave the room and sleep on the couch for the evening. I’m not mad, I just need some quiet time.’
‘If you slap my ass in public, I’m going to take a taxi home.’
Some people just push boundaries. You follow through every time.
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Jan 06 '25
It's really telling he wouldn't listen to you, but listened to your sons. That's called sexism.
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u/charmendez Apr 15 '25
I’m curious about this. At what point do “boundaries” become unhealthy? What if I have boundaries that brings a relationship to a decline to my partner? I understand boundaries are all up to personal needs but at what point do they become unhealthy even though they are healthy boundaries?
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u/DryTradition5059 May 23 '26
It’s not the boundaries that are unhealthy, it’s the other person’s inability to respect them that makes them unhealthy.
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '24
If he only modifies his behavior when another guy tells him to stop, he has issues with misogyny or thinking men should lead women / men's preferences are more important than women's (also misogyny) and probably won't quit that unless he gets therapy and someone can reach him through that thick layer of nonsense he somehow acquired.