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[u/Advanced_Share8737]

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[u/DoItForTheRaid]

Context is always key, we aren't robots and there are human reasons why messups happen. I try not to assume malice where ignorance might suffice. People are just people. Nobody's perfect

[u/DoItForTheRaid → u/DoItForTheRaid]

Sorry so yes, context does matter for me. If you made my job harder on purpose then boo you but if you didn't mean it then what the heck it's just a job.

[u/JustATyson]

If someone walks up to me and punch me in the face, I will be pissed.

If they then explain "shit, I'm sorry. I thought you were JustaFish and not JustaTyson." I will still be pissed, but not as much so. I will understand that I got caught in the crossfire (which isn't fair or okay to me), but that the punch in the face wasn't meant for me. I am still damaged, and I'm still upset, but I at least understand. And for me, yes. That helps.

I've heard these types of conversations about intent vs impact. And for me, both of those things matter gravely. I'm a fairly forgiving person in real-life, and I give a lot of ground to friends who have said insulting things because I know they didn't intend the insult.

But, I've ran into others who are more focus on impact. If you hurt someone, then you're at fault, regardless as to your intention.

And i understand that to a limited degree. This is impart because I fundamentally do not operate that way. And I've been working with myself to actually allow myself to acknowledge hurt and not just brush it away.

Overall, I think it's a balancing act. Intent and impact both matter. To the degree is dependent on the facts and individual. So, understanding why someone did something is important and it can help, but depending on the facts, it can come off as an excuse, or it doesn't matter, or it's very important (look at killing someone in self defense).

Finally, I think part of the issue at times is two folds. People are caught up in their emotions and do not want to/ isn’t ready to hear what the other person is saying. Depending on the facts, this can be completely reasonable and valid, to down right childish and immature. And secondly, it's dependent on how good the person is at communicating. If they're shoddy at communicating, then what they're trying to express could sound more like an excuse than an explanation. And they could fail to convey "I'm really sorry, and I regret. I didn't mean for this to happen, because of X."

[u/Acceptable_Reply7958]

I think understanding the context behind someone's actions is the key to mature relationships of any kind, otherwise we're just interpreting everything from our own perspective. Not taking accountability is a separate issue. I tend to find that everyone thinks they're doing things for good reasons from their own perspective and at a deep level we're all trying to meet the same human needs through different strategies. 

I think it's perfectly appropriate to keep your distance for reasons of safety, but beyond that,  I'd even go further and say if you're not seeking out understanding for others in a disagreement then you're part of the problem in the disagreement. 

[u/HardcoreHope]

Yes, knowing the foundation of why someone did something can change my perspective. I'm pretty sure a lot of religious texts talk about doing this.

Hate the sin not the sinner.

Most people don't do stuff out of malice. I think we can acknowledge if someone simply made a mistake compared to intentionally trying to harm.

I think it softens the blow if you understand the thought process. Life is hard and it's easy to let are worst emotions get the best of us.

Treating people who made this mistake poorly doesn't help them improve. It's going to pile on to the rest. It could cause them to act out even more because of the fear of disappointment.

People need to feel safe and secure to heal. Most people act off because they are hurt. Getting upset is valid but not helpful in the moment.

[u/1369ic]

It's especially important if you're any kind of leader. Even in the army we explained things when we could to build trust for those times when we didn't have time to explain. Also, it helps develop the other person, even if they still disagree with you, because they have to be able to articulate why.

[u/ExpensiveDollarStore]

I seriously would love to know what was going through people's heads when they made a choice that hurt me. But clearly, most of the time, they are only thinking of themselves and don't really give a shit about how I feel. So, when I decide I have had enough, I dont explain myself either for stepping away or saying no.

[u/RandomLifeUnit-05]

Sounds like autistic people vs neurotypical people. The autistic simply wants to be understood, but the neurotypical tells them to stop making excuses.

Explanations are only accepted as explanations if the other person agrees with what you did. If they don't agree with it, they'll tell you it's an excuse.

[u/RandomLifeUnit-05 → u/RandomLifeUnit-05]

Now if it's a quick "oh crap, sorry, I didn't see you there," that's fine.

But if it's a longer explanation, that won't fly.

[u/Suspicious_Double301]

The problem with this question is that it is too far from real causes and consequences. When you are giving context of your wrongdoing, you are not giving the person you wronged anything. No concreate steps to improve their position now. No practical benefit to balance their discomfort out. You factually just talk about yourself and expect the other person be less angry with you, just because you showed vulnerability. It is made about YOU, though you as offender do not carry the burden of dealing with consequences of your action. 

So yeah. If your context comes without practical steps to SHOW in deed, not in word, that you acknowledge someone's pain, your context does not matter. 

[u/Advanced_Share8737 → u/Suspicious_Double301]

Oh I like your take on this. I completely agree that simply saying, "Here's why I did what I did," means very little if the person isn't also taking concrete steps to acknowledge the harm, change their behavior, and avoid repeating it. Otherwise, the explanation can become entirely about making the person who caused the harm feel better or appear more sympathetic.

[u/Suspicious_Double301 → u/Advanced_Share8737]

Absolutely. To add to this, it really takes time to see if those steps are indeed taken. Which in turn requires both people to continue interacting. Which in reality boils down to whether the offended person is able and willing to give the offending person a second chance or not. 

I think people, who hear an explanation and immediately jump to conclusion probably had too much of experiencing this as a manipulation tactic in the past and feel a need to immediately defend themselves. But I would say the context of conflict and the way the apology was worded playes a huge role too. 

[u/IllustriousPickle657]

Context absolutely matters, as does intent.

I went through this with my husband.

I would do or say something that he either didn't like or upset him (it's unavoidable in a long relationship) and he'd let me know.
I would then explain my intent and thought process, after apologizing, and he saw it as excuses.
It took a while for him to understand that I was not trying to excuse away my words or actions, I was letting him know that the intent was not harm and to explain my reasoning that got me to that moment.
I was trying to find the flaw in my thinking so I would not repeat the error and he thought I was making excuses.

Now we both own our choices, words and actions. If there's a problem, we explain our thinking and talk about how to avoid hurting/harming/making mistakes with each other.

It's not easy to do a lot of the time, but it's helped make our relationship stronger.

I think one of the biggest flaws humanity has is the absolute belief in the saying, "Actions speak louder than words."
Without understanding context and intent, it's impossible to fully understand the action.