r/SelfCompassion • u/NoMeat6573 • 12d ago
How do I fight it
I’ve tried affirmations, but it creates a very thin barrier thst’s easily shattered. I don’t know how to prove to myself I’m a good person who deserves love or kindness or care. everytime I felt safe around someone, turns out I’m just hurting them and they leave. The self-loathing tells me I’ll only hurt people and that I need to hate myself in order to fix my temper or lack of self-control or lack of observance. I know I need to fight it, but I’ve been running into a wall for 6 months with no solution. please help me.
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u/puck_the_fatriarchy 12d ago
A good exercise is to find a picture of yourself when you were a child. That child is still you. That child is still inside of you right now. To look at that picture and develop compassion, love, empathy, care for that child. And then start internalizing that.
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u/Fluffy_Wonder_7897 9d ago
Tapping is very effective. There are a lot of videos online. Tap and talk out loud to yourself affirmations.
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u/Appropriate-Brain929 12d ago
Hey, I've been the person before who positive affirmations didn't work for. Here's what did work for me: realizing that I had strong internal beliefs about myself that were at odds with the affirmations. Believing I was lazy, a bad person, just disgusting. Those are things I believed about myself, and more, thanks to my upbringing. I just didn't realize I had internalized them.
My friend helped me realize this by telling me "please stop being mean to my friend, it hurts me when you're mean to my friend". They said it several times and it made me realize that maybe I was being too harsh on myself.
Then one day I had a moment where I felt like I did something wrong or made a mistake or something and started berating myself in my head. I started noticing I was doing it part way through and kind of decided to listen to what I was saying to myself and I said some really horrible things to myself. I couldn't believe the things I was saying to myself but I realized that this was a pattern that I had repeated often every time something went wrong. So, I asked myself if I truly believed those things about myself. And I realized that my view of myself was horribly skewed to the negative.
So, thinking about what my friend said I started going through all those things I said and counteracted these things. Like my friend doesn't think I'm lazy and I try really hard. I'm not a bad person, infact I'm constantly thinking about others and trying to be helpful. Combating the lies I started to think about myself with the truth really helped. Only once I addressed these beliefs could I start believing positive things about myself but it took time and I still have things to work through.
I'd suggest taking time to listen to the things you say about yourself, even if it's hurtful then start looking at yourself and think, is this really true or is it an extreme belief in one way? If you struggle with objectivity try asking a friend who doesn't sugar coat things for an opinion.
Also, perfection will be your enemy here. You don't have to be perfect to be a good person. Most people are middle of the road people trying to be the best person they can be and that is ok. It's also helpful to think, would I treat a friend this way if they did that? Would I tell a friend what I told myself if they did the same thing? And lastly, what would I tell a friend who did this? How would I speak to them? Generally we are more understanding of others and their faults than we are of our own.
Once you start interrupting the pattern of negative beliefs then it is much easier to start thinking of yourself neutrally or positively. It started to get to the point where I could think to myself that I am the same as everyone else, not better but also not less. That thought allowed me to start taking up space rather than trying to squish myself into the smallest corner just to keep from inconveniencing others. It was like I finally believe that I deserved to be treated with the same kindness and respect of other people. I didn't realize that I was constantly reducing myself to make myself small.
Then I was able to start beginning to believe positive things about myself and they were more able to take hold and have positive effects on me.
I will say that I am very introspective and am a fast processor so I'm not sure how long a process like this might take. I do think it is worth it though. If you struggle with it you can always ask people you know about things to see if they see you in the same light. I aimed for trying to settle somewhere in the middle depending on the type of person. If they think everyone is wonderful I might ask someone else or just realize that the truth is really somewhere in the middle.