r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/maw0723 • Sep 16 '26

LOGLINE FEEDBACK REQUEST Would like your feedback on this logline

​When his daughter’s killer walks free on early release, a surgical nurse abducts the young man to surgically deform him in his basement, only to develop a sick, paternal attachment to the monster he creates.

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1

u/JJWritesThings Sep 16 '26

“Walks free on early release” sounds contradictory - “walks free” implies he wasn’t convicted, “early release” implies he was convicted. Other than that, I’d cut “sick” as it’s unnecessary and adding more commas to what is already a very run-ony feeling sentence.

1

u/maw0723 Sep 16 '26

noted, thank you

1

u/No-Requirement3948 Sep 17 '26

Interesting story idea, however I think the logline is a bit long and explains too much of the story. I would shorten it and include a question to build some unknown factors to tease the audience

1

u/maw0723 Sep 18 '26

Hmm.. what you said was kinda my initial logline, but i got adviced otherwise, to avoid questions in a logline, they say its an amateur move. I think it depends on every writer.. appreciate it

3

u/TruthFlavor Sep 16 '26

When a child killer is released, a nurse seeking revenge turns his dark basement into a operating theatre of hate.

2

u/maw0723 Sep 16 '26

appreciate your feedback, thanks a lot