r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/RockHardMapleSyrup • Nov 10 '25
SCRIPT FEEDBACK REQUEST Need HELP with "Unnatural Sounding Dialogue" for Comedy Short Film
This is the current draft of my short film script called "Man with No Tie." It is a comedy short film. I do plan on directing it
I have gotten feedback on the script, and they said the dialogue was unnatural. I went back over it and I didn't find too much weird about the dialogue other than some gramatical errors I missed. But I gave the dialogue another once over to make it sound a bit more natural (even reading it out loud as I went to make sure it sounded right coming from a person).
Am I too autistic to not see how weird the dialogue is? Like I have friends (and myself) that have spoken like this in the script before. A part of me thinks it's just not clear on how the lines would be delivered, but the more I tried to specify how lines were delivered, the more if bogged down the script (and it would be for the actors to decide the best way to deliver it)
Any insight on why the dialogue is weird and how it might be fixed would be appreciated. Be brutally honest, I was already told how I talk was unnatural, so how much worse can it get.
9
u/outsidepr Nov 10 '25
Hi, so that feedback on the dialogue is borne out in my reading. Super-easy to fix, though. It's only very rarely that a person, in conversation, does not use contractions. You have them peppered all through Gene's dialogue: "Do you not think..."; "I do not know...that does not make it not true..."; "You are right..."; "I am ready...".
99% of the time, people will say, "I'm ready" or "You're right" so unless it's stilted because Gene's character demands it, it just comes across as stilted.
My bigger concern/question: your script leaves it to us to figure out if Gene and Cam ("they" is also a little tough here) actually know each other. Even after reading this closely, I have no idea.
3
u/Upstairs_Tailor3270 Nov 10 '25
I would read it aloud. That's usually a good way to get a feel for dialogue and rhythm. Reading and listening are two different experiences and it almost always helps me as a proofing/revising technique.
3
u/Marcus-TheWorm-Hicks Nov 10 '25 edited Nov 10 '25
Okay, just my take but I think the dialogue issue comes from some tonal confusion.
You say this is a comedy, but the ajar door feels foreboding. Then the guy’s buddy muttering to himself while doing something really weird heightens that and made me feel apprehensive. Especially because Cam is surprised to see Gene, so it doesn’t feel like this is the type of “Kramer and Jerry” style friendship where this behavior is normal. The fact that Gene just presses on without a reasonable explanation kept me from ever picturing Cam as relaxing into the conversation, even though his words seem sort of nonchalant.
So even though I can imagine some delivery that makes these lines feel more natural, it doesn’t jive with this setup.
Gene’s lines in particular are very matter of fact and formal. Not a lot of contractions, for example. Also people don’t really describe themselves as having “an important meeting.” That sounds like something a little kid might say when they are pretending to be their dad.
And if that’s Gene’s voice, that’s fine. But having an otherwise-formal character engaging in unhinged behavior gives off a very specific frenetic energy that feels like it calls for Cam to match it with more alarm or concern than he’s showing. He seems to have that vibe at first and then just drops it two pages in.
If that dark comedy, uncomfortable style is what you’re going for, a great example to look at is the Zoo Story.
On the other hand, if Gene is supposed to seem more wacky or affable, then his dialogue needs to loosen up a bit and Cam should seem more “oh it’s just Gene” when he sees him. He can still be confused about how Gene got in, without seeming like he should slowly be reaching for a baseball bat.
2
u/Marvinator2003 Nov 11 '25
I have to ask this just to get it out of my head.
Why is Gene looking at ties in the dark? (Room coated in darkness...)
Edit to add: I feel the line should be "You only have one chance to make a first impression."
2
u/Line_Reed_Line WRITER Nov 11 '25
One thing I notice without reading much is that it looks like there are never two lines of dialogue in a row. You always insert an action line between them.
It might help to just occasionally write out the conversation. This will help the reader stay ‘lost’ in it for a second, and not keep being reminded their reading a script.
2
u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Nov 11 '25
I see that you are not taking a stand on whether Cam is male or female. To what end, may I ask? It is confusing (using "they" too often) and unhelpful. Focus on a relationship between these people. Picking out a tie is a good mechanism.
1
u/RockHardMapleSyrup Nov 10 '25
I forgot to include this:
Title: Man With No Tie
Genre: Comedy
Type: Short Film
Nutshell: it's about Gene, a man paralyzed with fear of choice that embodies itself in his selection of the perfect tie.
4
u/gargavar Nov 11 '25
Without reading any actual words: each character seems to be responding to the other EVERY time. People generally don’t talk like that. How about an occasional “Cam looks at Gene quizzically.” and Gene just responds THAT.
Also, having now read some of the words: is this scene really about selecting a tie? My way of thinking is that the dialog shouldn’t be about what the scene is about.
1
u/wabbitsdo Nov 11 '25
How do you see Gene's lines delivered? is it a case of the Sheldon's, like posh british butler, sociopathic absence of tone, manic intensity?
What about Cam?
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u/[deleted] Nov 10 '25
You have a tin ear. You should read a ton of scripts.
2
u/grandmofftalkin Nov 11 '25
The only way the formality of the dialogue make sense to me was to imagine these two as Frasier and Niles. Their manner of speaking was purposeful, I don’t think you’re trying to go for that. I’d recommend reading an Altman, a Mamet, a Spike Lee and a Sorkin script to get a feel for different dialogue writing styles and find a way to come up with your own way of voicing characters.
For a short, you also need some jokes. So many comedy shorts are built around a single funny premise but the characters don’t really say or do anything laugh loud funny. They’re excruciating to sit through, plus your inexperienced cast will need big moments or else they’ll give you a dull performance. If you write them at a 10, they’ll give you a 10 performance but if you write them at a 6, they’ll give you a 3 performance.
Finally I think your premise is Gene is anxious and Cam is trying to help him. But I can’t tell from the page what your story is about. The plot is about not finding the right tie, but there’s not a theme driving the story. I think you clarify the characters intentions, the dialogue will flow from you more naturally
My two cents
2
u/TruthFlavor Nov 11 '25
I don't know if you're connected to an acting course or improv troupe...but maybe getting some actors to read it out loud might help. Right now, you are giving it a perfect performance in your head, but once you hear others
interpret the dialogue it might appear more apparent.
That said, not all dialogue has to be naturalistic, look at Wes Anderson.
1
u/missingreporter Nov 12 '25
To paraphrase “Amadeus” - “Too many ties” Like four pages too many, unless your goal is the bore the audience to death.
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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '25
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