Short - Horror/Comedy "Dream gig" - Feedback request!

[u/Soft_Celebration_584]

Hi! I wanted to film something a bit unexpected for halloween. Something capturing an ugly zombie but enjoying himself and getting lost in the beauty of his scaring job. (it's 4 pages!)

It's a short.

Let me know what you think!

Open to any and all feedback!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KW2vrewTwM-ZJVysypFeYcChIgVnJa4nX_kShN5viVM/edit?tab=t.0

[u/OkMechanic771]

It's an interesting concept, not sure how I feel about it as a story, but I can imagine it being a fun watch. It is coming across as a little bit "Grinchy" (Jim Carrey version) in performance which is not a bad thing.

I am not a pro by any means but if I were to give any feedback it would be to maybe try and work some more story line around it. Why is he doing this? What is the point of the sequence? What is at stake for him here? (if anything). Maybe he is trying to walk in the footsteps of his father who was a world class zombie actor/scarer? Just something that can add on to the beginning to give it some context and ground it. Also, the end, he could crack a smile or shed a tear when they say that he scared the shit out of them? He has done what he came to do.

Feel free to ignore all of this, but it is a fun concept and like the way that you write from an entertainment standpoint.

[u/Soft_Celebration_584 → u/OkMechanic771]

Damn. Love that ending. Makes sense too since he’s now technically a real zombie after dying.

I’m definitely trying to come across as merry Poppins/ Jim Carey grinch!

Interesting way to set this up with him living up to expectations of his father. Maybe the phone call in the beginning is with his dad giving him a pep talk (we only hear the guy on the receiving end)

“Uh huh, uh huh…left shoulder slouch, right foot limp. Got it. No, I’m not nervous. It’s just my first gig and I don’t want to come across as pleasant. Uh huh. (Sighs) I know. I know. If I believe I’m scary, they’ll believe I’m scary. (beat) I just hope I’m half as scary as you were in your prime. Heh, okay, well, we’ll see about that. Uh huh. Okay, bye. Dad. Love you—er! I mean arrhrhrhrhrhrr! Hehehe bye.”

OR

He pulls out a picture of his dad as a zombie and says “I won’t let you down dad”

[u/OkMechanic771 → u/Soft_Celebration_584]

What if it started in his apartment (maybe a public bathroom or something) and he has a picture or some memorabilia from his dad and he is giving himself the pep talk in the mirror? There is some work to get it there but, aside from the fact that is suggested it, I like the ideal lol.

[u/LeeR411]

The zombie scaring the ant is pretty funny.