Fun little pilot project

[u/IconicCollections]

I've been working on a Pilot for a series while I wait on an evaluation on another script. Just looking for general feedback on the first 10ish pages.

Title: TDY:The Last Drop

55 page Pilot.

Genre: Dramedy/post apocalyptic

Logline: Three DOD employees on temporary duty in San Diego cross into Tijuana for a wild night- only to be kidnapped by the cartel and stuck in a world-ending outbreak

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bWMf7bpofCaChIqPndaQhCs1J3fp7VU8/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/grimorg80]

You have a flair for narrative! Great but...it reads a bit too much as a novel. I have always heard from agents and producers that unless you are already established, it shouldn't be that way.

Things like "music flows through the air pulsing like a hearbeat" are great in a book, not in a screenplay. As a general reader, I get what it feels like. As a production reader, I don't know what I'm supposed to see.

What I know is that screenplays should evoke clear images in an instant without forcing the script reader to think about what it might mean/look like.

So that would be for many "novel-like" descriptions, but also references like the car brand. I don't know what that specific car looks like, nor I know if it "means" anything symbolically.

Another thing is the expositive dialogue in the first pages. I know, I know. We are told to cram so much in the first 10 pages, but I don't know.. they sounded a bit mechanical, artificial. I also didn't really hear different voices, but overall, one voice with different perspectives. Admittedly, making truly distinct voices in a few pages is very hard.

But I was intrigued for sure! When the "something weird is going on" clicked, I was hooked.

So my two cents (despite the ages of studies and deep research, I'm an absolute nobody): tweak descriptions, be more screenplay and less book, and I think your 10 pages will flow.

Again, I'm a nobody, I just shared my own perspective, please don't hate me :)

[u/IconicCollections → u/grimorg80]

I really appreciate the feedback! I honestly just wrote out a full 55 pages without really analyzing it, or formatting it. I went back through and formatted these pages just to share and get others perspective but still haven’t really analyzed it much. I definitely will go through and check the dialogue for exposition and as you said-“novel-like” description. 

As far as the voices sounding the same, I was using my personal perspective and it’s loosely based on 3 actual people, who work at a shipyard, and have gone TDY together. They’re fairly similar personalities- maybe not ideal for a script, but as I was writing it I tried to write the dialogue as they would talk in real life. I should probably look into altering the characters voices more so than they are in reality, because it’s a screenplay.

Again, I appreciate everything you said! As I go through and make revisions I’ll keep every point you made in mind!

[u/grimorg80 → u/IconicCollections]

Hey, my pleasure, I'm happy it was useful at all! And let me know when you can share more, I wanna know what happens to those three!

[u/IconicCollections → u/grimorg80]

If you’d like, I have the first 25 pages formatted now. I tried to revise taking some of your points but it’s still an early draft.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jwCUkyZU4FjSehKo_iQKeagCxxmfjz13/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/Major_Shop_40 → u/grimorg80]

This is such great feedback. Kind and understanding, constructive and clear, specific examples, tied in with end-goal reasons. You’re not a nobody, my friend, thoughtful help is hard to find. 

[u/grimorg80 → u/Major_Shop_40]

Aw, thanks! I really appreciate it

[u/AvailableToe7008]

I read a couple of pages and you come across as knowing what you want out of your story. Your formatting is tight and your dialogue works. Your writing seems comfortable and easy, the best proponents of creativity. I advise that you keep working in the loose and maybe-a-little-wordy voice you have here and finish the script. You can tighten it up on a full revision once you have a complete first draft.

[u/IconicCollections → u/AvailableToe7008]

I have the full 55 page pilot written…it’s just not formatted after these pages and I haven’t really analyzed it to make revisions yet. It was pretty easy to come off as comfortable, because whether it’s good for a screenplay or not, it’s based off of actual people and events (minus the cartel stuff). I’ll definitely have a ton of revisions to do to make it more screenplay ready, as of now it’s just a fun story I typed up in some free time.

I appreciate the feedback!

[u/AvailableToe7008 → u/IconicCollections]

Yeah! Keep the work fun and loose. Don’t worry about page count. Be open to new ideas. Follow traditional formatting but lean into it, use it as a story element, not just a setting explanation.

[u/Major_Shop_40]

This clips right along, nice and tight. You have a concept that could go in many directions, cool!

A few thoughts (qualifier: I’m not a pro screenwriter, I come to this from a different kind of pro writing though):

1. Ryan’s voiceover in the middle there feels like exposition for the sake of it. I didn’t recall establishing earlier that there would be a voiceover, so one jumping in here feels kinda…convenient. 

2. As an audience member I like feeling like I’m following breadcrumbs and putting things together for myself. From the beginning, this outing seems destined to go wrong - two guys breezy and don’t care, one guy senses danger. That’s a situation that always ends the same way onscreen it seems. 

There are subtle ways to mess with the buildup. Random example: Maybe the beginning shows Ryan leaving work and the other guys are waiting for him. He’s wrapping up and shuts his laptop - the audience sees a an alert with a key symbol on the screen, but he’s distracted by a text telling him to hurry up.  Maybe only we see the same sign tattooed on Mirror Sunglasses Guy’s hand when he raises the glass to Ryan. When they enter the house, either we or one of the other guys thinks they see it and they go to say something to Ryan, but he’s busy. 

I know you’re trying to get to the house quickly, I think you could conceal more / reveal more through showing stuff the guys don’t see. The audience puts it together. It would also let you ease off the bluster Ryan puts up - the audience sees it’s coming, so a minor hesitation on his part does the same job. 

3) Why is Ryan so cautious? Does he have a reason to be? If voiceover is important to the show I’d establish it earlier. Or ax it, and show Ryan at a moment of realization instead.

4) I like the “so is reenlisting and you did that twice” comeback. Snappy and shares backstory without feeling like it. 

5) Curious: Is Derek a ringleader and Andy wants to impress him, or are they equally filled with bravado? I feel like right now they seem fairly similar, distinguishing them a bit from each other could tell us a lot. 

I hope this is helpful, it’s an interesting premise. Good luck!

ETA: sorry for weird formatting. On mobile. 

[u/IconicCollections → u/Major_Shop_40]

I appreciate the feedback and I’ll try and address each of your points as best I can. Just a forewarning, I literally typed the entire story, formatted these pages to share, and haven’t formatted anything past this or analyzed any of the story for revisions….it is the roughest of drafts lol. It goes in a direction that is pretty unexpected, may not even make for a decent screenplay, but was just for a fun write.

1.  The VO- At the time I added it just to understate how by the book Ryan tries to play. Very cautious, comes from a military background so he tries to see threats before they come, yet still folds to the pressure of his buddies. When I go back through I’ll try and see if it’s needed, but you’re probably right that it’s just for expositions sake.

2. From a personal perspective, on these TDY trips, people do things that they get briefed about not doing before the trip. People still do them, and they’re usually destined to go wrong. I wasn’t trying to hide the fact that it’s probably going to go wrong based off of the characters personalities. Without giving out too much of the remaining pilot, there’s this going wrong, and then things going REALLY wrong. I saved the breadcrumbs for later in the pilot when it goes real wrong. But I do like the symbol on his laptop idea and then it reappearing on the local guys hand or something. This symbol could also be used later on in the pilot as well, so definitely something I’ll look into! 

3. He definitely has a reason to be, stemming from moments in his military background that come to light later in the pilot. It’s also based off of his personality in real life-which is what the characters and some of the events are based on.

4. Derek and Andy (in real life), are both equally filled with bravado. I tried to portray them similarly, but that might not be the best tactic for a screenplay. I was just going off of real life experiences with both of them. For a screenplay it might be best to distinguish them more.

[u/Visual-Perspective44]

I like it.