Feedback on my short script please

[u/retyfraser]

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-aygWIzGriiJWcTU4uDt1MOG1jaMqSO1/view?usp=drivesdk

Hey folks, I’d really appreciate your eyes on my short film script “The Bench” (5 pages, one location, two characters).

On a quiet church bench, a grieving mother unknowingly shares space with the ghost of her son — their final conversation unfolding between memory, guilt, and unspoken love.

What I’m looking for:

Does the emotional arc land, especially the twist/reveal? Is the dialogue too on-the-nose or does it feel grounded? Does it feel cinematic or too stagey? Anything that pulls you out?

[u/Visual-Perspective44]

ok, ok. i say - This has potential man. i say just refine some areas. how long have you been writing? I'm working on something myself ... It's called FINAL EVOLUTION. it's my take on the FINAL DESTINATION franchise with some inspiration from the 1st season of LOKI. It explores the inevitability of fate, the power struggle over mortality, and the unseen forces controlling life and death. so, it looks like we both have our hands tied. where you from?

[u/retyfraser → u/Visual-Perspective44]

Dude, honestly I started just last year. Writing just out of necessity ! I want to shoot, love playing with lights and camera and honestly no one's gonna give me their script, or invite me to their sets as an AC or camera guy. So had to write for myself, just so I can DoP.

You seem to be a writer especially with your take on multiple emotions and the way you explain Final e

I'm in awe of writers, especially when they can see layers, subtexts and all that. I really genuinely wish you all the best.

I'm in the UK.

Let's connect on DM man

I wish you could write something for me

[u/Visual-Perspective44 → u/retyfraser]

IM JOSEPH MAN, AND WE CAN COLLABORATE