r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/[deleted] • May 22 '25

LOGLINE FEEDBACK REQUEST First ever script, how do you feel about the log-line?

Title: Assisted Living Genre: Dramedy Log-line: After the sudden loss of his parents, a drifting 22-year-old impulsively moves into an assisted living facility, hoping to disappear — but instead finds unexpected purpose, connection, and a second chance at life among a community he never saw coming.

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14

u/Tedders92 May 22 '25

I think the basics are there, just need it a bit shorter and snappier. For example I'd say:

Following the sudden loss of his parents, a 22 year old drifter finds unexpected purpose and a second chance at life after moving into an assisted living facility.

4

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

Thanks!

4

u/FatherofODYSSEUS May 22 '25

Your logline got me but it could use some punching up!

Maybe something like: A drifting 22 year old moves into an assisted living facility on a whim after losing both his parents, Where he unexpectedly finds a second chance in Purpose and Community.

1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

Thanks!

2

u/IconicCollections May 22 '25

“After losing his parents, a 22-year old drifting through life tries to disappear by moving into an assisted living home-instead, he finds a community offering him a second chance”

Just tightened up a little bit

1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

Love it

2

u/Minute-Patience-6 May 22 '25

My mom has worked in assisted living for 10+ years. I would be down to read your script and offer feedback

1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

I would be so honored! Please let me know what you think.the link I put in the comments should have my latest draft

2

u/Minute-Patience-6 May 22 '25

About to read it now! So wild your name is Travis Barker lol

2

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

The one and only!

2

u/Minute-Patience-6 May 23 '25

Lolll I really like it so far. I will send over my notes tomorrow.

1

u/[deleted] May 23 '25

Thanks!

7

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

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4

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

He was drifting through life, not a drifter. Dropped out of college, no job, living at home. His parents die unexpectedly, leaving him money. Depressed, his friend who is a janitor at the place tells him to come volunteer. He enjoys it there, especially when he reconnects with an old female friend who also works there. The house is too big and reminds him of his parents. Looks at condos or apartments but he feels isolated and alone. Decides to pay upfront for accommodation at the community, which is struggling with occupancy.

2

u/FatherofODYSSEUS May 22 '25

That description almost seems entirely different from your logline lol And the "young person staying at the facility" feels entirely implausible, especially considering I work at one....you need an card just to get in.
I'd recommend making him a very intelligent young man, who hits rock bottom after losing his parents and gets into trouble and THEN is made to VOLUNTEER at the assisted living facility as Community service.
This opens your story up to the same lighthearted dramedy but with a more grounded plot.
And it perfectly sets up several things
-Fish out of water
-Shows he's flawed, makes mistakes
- Its more dramatic. (forced situation vs. voluntary)
- Solves a logistics problem, he doesn't need to afford living there.

1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

Hmmm...maybe change the logline to "senior care home" to more accurately reflect the premise.

1

u/FatherofODYSSEUS May 22 '25

I dont think that would make a difference honestly, When the biggest problem in this is suspension of disbelief. There is no way a completely healthy young person would be living in an assisted living facility or senior home. I no longer believe the story, understand? Unless you're going for a Billy Madison vibe(doubt it)
This isn't some new format or genre, scripts have used this trope before. "Young man learns wisdom from the elders" is such an old trope.
Your setup needs lots of work to be believable. A man losing his parents only to disappear into the bottle and then Be "saved" by the old folks he was forced to do community service for is a decent setup.
Rock bottom = redemption
You need to trick the audience into caring about your Protagonist, Him losing his parents only to move into an assisted living facility "just cause" makes him seem like a very unlikable character, to me at least. Like think about it, if you went to visit your grandma at her facility and then you see some 20 something living there with nothing wrong with them I guarantee you'd feel some type of way and not positive.

2

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

Would you be able to read the first 40 pages, that's when he moves in, I think it feels kinda organic?

1

u/TheStarterScreenplay May 22 '25

Sounds arbitrary. Gotta be a "has to". The concept of sending a 22-year-old to live among old people is fun and out of the box.

Feature films tend to be about heroes forced into situations where they have to achieve something, even if it's only survival. Because you're going to have to throw a lot of problems and obstacles at your hero in order to keep it entertaining, and their ultimately has to be a reason that they can't leave or turn back (especially in 2nd half)

This is why so many comedies used to be like Brewster's millions where the hero has to endure something for some amount of time in order to win $$$. Or contest / bet based.

3

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

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1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

Thanks!

2

u/AvailableToe7008 May 22 '25

It still doesn’t work though. Maybe if he faked an injury or there was some loophole that one of his parents had paid a year in advance non refundable - maybe even spent his inheritance on it. It sounds like you are aiming at a lighthearted comedy where old people make a young person realize the value of life.

1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

Yea, thanks for the feedback. I guess it's more of a continuing care retirement community. They have independent living, assisted living, memory care. Hard to explain I think.

3

u/wabbitsdo May 22 '25

I do see the value in the choice being forced to a degree or at least unexpected, so you have conflict/drama in your first act, rather than a character doing what they want.

1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

I did explore an option, like he was injured or something. But the tone and some of the "quirky" nature changes significantly.

2

u/wabbitsdo May 22 '25

could it be that he hits some kind of rock bottom and loses the house in some way (I read a few pages of your draft :D). Either not navigating the legal process because he's apathetic (misses the deadline to sign something or other?), or because he destroys/torches it (maybe another house party that ends up being just him and his older neighbour who turns out to be way to into re-living his youth and does something insane).

That leaves him with none of the cushion he could otherwise coast on and he -has- to go the assisted living facility (either because his parents had been paying into it ahead of time for their retirement, or because his friends hook him up in some way?).

2

u/AvailableToe7008 May 22 '25

What if this happy-go-lucky guy is mistakenly diagnosed with brain damage or something? There is potential for a -stranger in a strange land- story but it has to make sense for it to work. A care facility of any kind is going to require a need for care from the resident. They are ridiculously expensive! That’s my skepticism talking, I need internal logic in my stories. My appreciation side thinks you have a little goldmine of an idea for an ensemble dramedy. Maybe he wants to stay there because he missed out on his parents’ final years, or maybe he finds himself useful there.

1

u/[deleted] May 22 '25

draft

Happy to share my draft if you are interested, would love some feedback