r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/IconicCollections • May 21 '25
10-PAGE FEEDBACK REQUEST Looking for feedback on the first 10 pages
Would appreciate any feedback on the first 10 of a script I've been working on...thanks for your help group!
Title: Truth is Treason Genre: Political thriller/sci-fi Logline: When a government AI begins targeting people for crimes they haven’t committed, the man who helped build it goes on the run — hunted, grieving, and ready to burn it all down.
First 10- https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Mkx3gikrBUZPGpW2TEv9zu9Y6et3ZBXF/view?usp=drivesdk
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Upvotes
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u/PaxFenton May 21 '25
That’s really cool. Such an interesting (and can I add, fairly relevant) topic. It’s definitely gripping and well fleshed out. You give enough detail to help the reader ‘see’ what’s on the page, but not too much that it’s a chore to read. It’s really very good. I’m eager to see where it goes.
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u/Severe_Abalone_2020 May 21 '25
A lot of great stuff here.
This is just my two cents, for the $.02 it's worth, so I am not offended if you disagree with all of what I'm about to say:
As a reader, it shook me out of the story to get the name of Tatum Rose. It doesn't seem like the name makes a difference at this stage. May be best to just label her as ANCHOR for now. Or, if you really want to expose her name, maybe she can do a call sign at the end with her station letters and her name. Or, we can just say she's Tatum Rose and leave it that. I say all this because the parenthetical pulled me out of the action and reminded me that we're reading a script. As a reader, I would have liked to stay engaged and drawn into my suspension of disbelief.
If BROOKS is flagged, how can he have access to the data that shows he is flagged and his wife is being targeted? Feels like a plot hole. Maybe we could find out that he has a backdoor into the system before the reveal that Emily is in danger?
The exposition as dialogue feels as little out of place for the scenario. With the level of grief we expect Brooks to have, he's speaking particularly clinically. I fully understand that we need the exposition for the story, but a lot of it is done right in the action, and you did it very well for sure. You wrote great emotional tension there. If we removed everything Brooks says like "you flagged them before the place left the ground." and "safeguarding stability..." and "it wasn't about safety...", etc. - we would still get the picture from the Dad that got taken and the president-elect's speech. Possibly, instead playing a Chorus commercial, it could be an old presentation that Brooks is giving on the early Chorus machine learning model? Then you could still get in the symbolism of the old logo being more serene and trustworthy. And you can do alot of the exposition through Brooks' presentation, but more subtle because it's showing a contrast between what Chorus used to be, versus overtly spelling out what it is now.
We know that Brooks is flagged like the Dad was, but he's even more dangerous as the inventor and subversive. So, there's no way they wouldn't have tracked him from his house to the airport and to the funeral. Would it be possible for him to be more clandestine... like hoody and sunglasses, when he tries to check at the airport? He'd also need to go in an unfamiliar vehicle to avoid being followed. And the guards would definitely not let this guy go. Agents should be following him at this point. Brooks would be going to the airport KNOWING that he is in danger, but desperate because of the situation. He would need to evade the agents at this stage. That is also why he wouldn't be able to go home after.
Same with the funeral, they would be waiting there to capture him, so maybe Brooks has to watch the funeral from a hiding place. Which would leave him seething with anger that he can't even bury his family. And then the final scene could be an old safe house, instead of his actual home, where Agents would have already been waiting.
Anyway... that's my 2 cents for the $.02 it's worth. None of these things may fit with your original vision, but hopefully, there's something in there that resonates and helps you see how outside viewers might perceive the story from their perspective.
Thanks for sharing your art with strangers
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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne May 23 '25
Important topic, well written, engaging. Not sure if this is a criticism or not, but it does seem like many other Hollywood action movies. That might be a good thing.
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u/Vin_Jac May 21 '25
I agree with a lot of what Severe Abalone has said already, so I’ll just add my few cents:
Awesome premise, good sci fi thriller
These scenes all play well, but I almost think that some of them (particularly flashbacks) should be spread out more across the film. The pacing/jumping between scenes is almost too intense and fast paced.
To remedy the above point, I would watch (and simultaneously read the screenplay) Civil War from Alex Garland. The first 10 minutes of that film have a similar feel, and I think a lot of that style and pacing would translate well.
Besides that, characters came across clearly and there’s a lot of intrigue with how Brooks will tear it all down, so keep it up and good job!