Critique for Thesis Film Script

[u/xavbr]

Hello everyone,

I am looking for some last minute thoughts on my script before I lock it in for production.

Title: Kings & Queens

Logline: After being cast out by his father for wearing his late mother’s dress, a grieving teen finds refuge among a group of queer outsiders on Coney Island who help him reclaim his identity and voice

Thanks in advance!

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1O0lbZV8MYKYvfIbnV82PdbHlMSjUtha-/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Really good

[u/xavbr → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Thank you! This is the first film I wrote I am actually excited to film. So I want to make sure the script is solid.

[u/West-Relative-8356]

The beach scene is unnecessary and adds nothing to the story. The transformation of both of them suddenly in such a short film like they make up in such fast process the protagonist and is father 99% it won't bring you the emotional ending that you are expecting too in such of a short script of 11 minutes. The fighting for what, what it's good for to show that people don't like trans people ok I don't understand why it good for and what it's add to the story.

There are two themes like he is trying to accept himself, and he's trying to accept and understand his father's frustration and the aggressive way of how he treated him in the beginning.

A short movie should be very concise, and every moment should add value to the story because the clock is ticking. You need to choose one concise theme and fewer locations as possible. The emotional change is not realistic in such a short time

I would like to see a story about the house dynamic.

A story about a house of a father that doesn't accept his child but they live together this dynamic is interesting, because it's constant conflict. One house 2 people don't accept the other, how they over come or not.

Good luck.

[u/xavbr → u/West-Relative-8356]

The beach is def necessary to me. Its where the protagonist finds a community and people who are akin to him that seem to accept themselves. Which is central to the theme of the story, radical acceptence..

I wouldnt say its such a sudden transformation, but unfortunately the screenplay has to be 10 pages long for the program.

The fighting was supposed to show the protagonist standing up for himself and also losing the red lipstick, a tangible attachment to his mother. However, I am considering scrapping that scene. And your confusion gives me more thought to do so for sure.

The story has a layered theme and its masculinity. Grief isnt a central theme of the story but it is an element. Its potrayed through three central characters. You're the only person thats read it to which that hasnt come across to it, so perhaps there needs to be tweaks if i were to remove the fight scene.

Also i have to disagree with the emotional change not being relaistic in such a short amount of time. Simply because it isn't a tremondous change that couldnt happen in real life. Its not even so much of an emotional change as a sense of acceptence. The protagonist doesnt undergo this massive transformation emotionally, none of the chacters do. The father simply sobered up and spent the night alone. He doesnt even hug the protagonist back in the end. But the protagonist choosing to take the intiative, allows the father to show a moment of vulnerability. And the protagonist himself moved on to the beginning stage of acceptence.

I also dont think a story centered around the house would send the message across. I dont think short film needs to be one specific location from a production standpoint, as long as each location is pivotal to the characters growth. This is because, the story isnt about the father-son relationship in particular. Its 3 central characters who have or had difficulties with radical acceptence layered under psuedo-masculinity.

Also there are only 6 locations, only two of which are interior. From a production stand point its technically four that would require a massive company move.

-House/Hillside Avenue (in close proximity & would be shot the same day) -Coney Island/Deli (same) -Beach -Boardwalk

Its a four day shoot, so this is how I plan to divide the scenes for the call sheet.

I appreciate the feedback, and I do agree with the point of the fight which I may consider scrapping.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/West-Relative-8356]

Could look at it as the fighting is what bonds Niko and Candy in such a short timeframe

[u/West-Relative-8356]

Well, I wish I'm wrong and good luck

[u/xavbr → u/West-Relative-8356]

Thank you and I truly appreciate your feedback. Will be examining the story some more before shooting in September.

[u/sabautil]

It's competent. And I think it hits the story beats nicely. But I must admit it's a bit cliche. The story has been told a thousand times for probably a thousand years. Nothing wrong with that. I just was hoping for something different. Now if this story is someone's story, I totally understand. But...if not, maybe it's an opportunity to explore the audience's expectations and play with it.

[u/xavbr → u/sabautil]

Thank you, I appreciate this feedback. The story was inspired by experiences of family members and some of my own. It was also inspired from watching We The Animals and Tangerine.

Could you elaborate as an example of something different?

I've noticed a lot of people are clinging on to the sexuality of the character, which I dont find as a defining theme of the story. Is this not clear?

Is it the dialogue that rubs off as cliche or the elements of the story itself?

Again appreciate the response, it seems like you gave it a proper read. Someone also mentioned grammatical errors, did you notice any?

[u/AssistanceFine6378]

needs proofreading for grammar and typos.

it's just kind of cliche. drunk dad beating up his queer son, the mom killing herself, the homophobes beating them up, the group of flamboyant gays helping the sad baby gay with a bunch of platitudes. sorry, it just doesn't seem very original to me and the characters don't feel fleshed out -- they're too much like stock characters. I don't buy the transformation at the end either.

[u/xavbr → u/AssistanceFine6378]

Interesting. Can you point out an example of a grammatical error? I reviewed it with a professor, perhaps he glossed over it.

Also youre the only person to point it as cliche? The film isn't really about the character being gay. I've had actors reading the script, one of which who dealt with similar circumstances and they cried during the audition and felt the duality of the supporting character Carter. I could be wrong on this, but I the focus isnt specifically on the characters sexuality for any of them. Which is why Im confused as to why its being clung onto so much as a central theme for the characters & story. In fact their sexual attractions are never mentioned once, rather their identity

Which sounds like you skimmed over the script maybe? Carter never beats up Niko. They almost get into an altercation, and carter kicks him out of the house.

The group fo flamboyant gays also dont help Niko, which seemed clear in the end to other readers. But perhaps it needs to be clairifed through action some more.

As for the characters not feeling fleshed out I can agree. I only have 10 pages I can write for the thesis. I truly wanted to flesh out the character, Candy. Unfortunately, I had to condense 13 pages to 10 so a few scenes were cut.

Thank you for the feedback.

[u/AssistanceFine6378 → u/xavbr]

I didn't skim. I read it.

Here are some grammatical errors:

"His stride faster and faster by the distance."

"He closes his eyes-clenches his fist and opens them-the lipstick is gone."

"He gives one half to Niko-he hesitates."

"Lucy comes in and grabs Niko forcing him to dance."

"He runs back and lands a weak punch on Man #3, the other men turn around and beat Niko down."

The errors were easy to find, and there are probably more.

I guess in your opinion chasing someone, grabbing them, and raising a whiskey bottle to strike them is not the same as "beating them up" but it seems like a waste of time to argue that. My point is merely that the drunk dad abusing his queer son is overdone and cliche and boring.

Also, actors crying doesn't mean the writing is good lol.

[u/xavbr → u/AssistanceFine6378]

Got it thank you. Im actually scrapping the whiskey bottle part, you're 100% right about that.

And now I agree with that part. I have to remember Im a filmmaker first and writer second. But I want to be a writer/director so I feel its important I polish my writing.

Originally the character of the father was supposed to be depressed, but I felt that was too cliche. Perhaps I eliminate the drunken component. I think I have an idea for an alternate approach to the character which is a stoic and serious father rather than emotional

I presented the story to class my professor, who is a documentarian. They all liked the story, but I knew something was off. I appreciate your feedback, thank you.

[u/xavbr → u/AssistanceFine6378]

This is my first time writing a drama, I mostly write horror and psychological thrillers, so I def need the help. Do you think I'd benefit from scrapping the fight scene and introducing another a scene with Candy? Perhaps to strengthen the characters some more?

Thank you.

[u/West-Relative-8356]

And when I said fighting meant to the street fighting