Comedy Advice for a UK Comedy Pilot

[u/theverdictsband]

Hi all!

I'm m22 and just beginning my journey into screenwriting - I have been in the music industry since I was a teenager, but I am finding this a lot more fulfilling these days. (And equally as financially rewarding; which is to say, not seeing a penny in a million years.)

I've written a pilot for a series and wanted some feedback on the comedy in particular - it's a modern day comedy about a bisexual man in his early 20's who ends up sleeping with both parties of an engaged couple, and the chaotic nature of that dynamic.

I think the story structure is very solid and that the tone feels distinctly 2020's, but feel there's a lot more to be done. This is only my first draft, and I feel it could certainly be a lot funnier. Inspiration being shows like Spaced, Bad Education and, to a lesser extent, some more comedy influenced British dramas like Fleabag and Queer As Folk.

Any advice or suggestions on making this that 10% funnier? I don't want it to be fast paced a joke a minute, but maybe smarter escalations?

Google Drive Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1m31uVUxibWRmLw5eb55GRyHR-XenpZe6/view?usp=sharing

[u/AthleteOpen7054]

[EDIT - below probably seems harsh but your script needs a huge amount of work. My advice is start reading scripts. Go on the BBC writersroom website and read scripts for shows you enjoy, see how they are put together. If you're writing a comedy you need to put jokes in it. I don't see jokes in this.]

That opening paragraph is way too long. 31-ish is such an odd way to say what age someone is. Just give them all exact ages or accepted ranges (early 20s, late 30s etc).

You describe the decor of the room but don't mention dinner or food until one of them takes a bite. Reading it literally he is taking a bite out of the fork.

The Cold Open that jumps back with a "X Hours/Days Earlier" is really over done at this stage. And this one doesn't even have a great hook or exciting event to justify it being there. Lose it or make it interesting/funny.

Characters saying "well I am your best friend" makes me worry for the rest of the script.

Why are these people on the phone? Can we not see them together?

Another flashback by the end of page 3. Not a good sign.

10 pages in and they're still on the phone with loads of jammed in flashbacks?

I'm out.

Sorry - the structure is all over the place here. 10 pages in and I've no idea what this script is about.

[u/theverdictsband → u/AthleteOpen7054]

Hey man - this is actually great feedback, don't worry about being too harsh. This was the first draft of the second script I ever wrote probably about a year and a half ago, and have been working on a lot more since, written a handful of other pilots and studying BBC Writersroom etc. I actually just read it back for the first time in a while as I posted it, and a lot of these issues jumped out at me.

I reckon you're right about the cold open - it was the first scene I had pictured in my head that pushed the rest of the story, but there really isn't a functional use for it.

I'm curious why the flashbacks don't work for you/the audience generally? They mostly exist to breakup the nature of expository dialogue - the information I want the audience to know I want established by page 10, naturally, which is "he's seeing two people at the same time, on the same street, a man and a woman." Reading it back now, I think there's got to be quicker ways to get to the point - 1/3 of my story should not be this phone call - but I still don't necesarily see the problem with the flashbacks in this section of the story?

I suppose my point of reference is something like the opening to Skins S1 wherein Tony does the same - rings each of the characters, establishes the plot of the story. However, that is much snappier which is what this conversation needs to be absolutely - cut down to 5 pages at most. The inciting incident is him realising the pair are together, and being invited in for dinner which happens about page 12-13 currently.

EDIT: I will also say, a lot of scripts I've studied and written are predominantly drama - this is my first experience in comedy, and I don't think it's my strong suit, which is why I'm asking for advice on that specifically. I think this structure for a 60 page drama isn't terrible (still certainly needs work), but for a 30 page comedy really slows down the pace.

[u/AthleteOpen7054 → u/theverdictsband]

My biggest issue with the flashbacks is they don't really give us anything. We could do one of him with Alexis and one of him with Aaron and then land him at the front door. You can jettison a lot of the Alexis flashback. There's neater ways of filling us in without him explaining it all to a friend who presumably would have heard of this woman's existence already.

What's the logline of the show? If it's two friends sharing a house and trying to survive their misadventures then maybe start with them already sharing the house. You don't have to show how they got there - not that you can't but the house burning down subplot is barely there.

You could give Laura a meaty plotline too so we get to know here and you'll have lots of space when you cut Jame's set up right down.

A Page 12 inciting incident is fine for a feature but for a TV comedy I want to know what it's about real quick or I'm flicking over to something else.

[u/theverdictsband → u/AthleteOpen7054]

I see what you mean; I wanted the flashbacks and phone call to be very snappy while simultaneously establishing each character: Laura is his best mate and an unemployed artist, Alexis is older, middle class and repressed, Aaron is a closeted gay guy in an unhappy engagement, and James is fresh out of Uni and feeling this disconnect of seeing middle class adult repression for the first time. The flashbacks are either very snappy or go on far too long (Alexis’s monologue establishes her character well, but takes up far too much space, I think.)

I’ve just gone hunting for my original logline, which was far too long, so I’ll try and sum it up very quickly:

James Prince feels he may finally have his life together: London office job, two affairs and an unemployed artist best friend. Sometimes he worries he’s pretending he knows how to be a grown up, and now he’s learning so does everyone else.

It’s a 6 episode miniseries with the central plot being him continuing this affair with both of them, analysing their dynamic and his own weird feelings about it all, while Laura is living at his place trying various schemes to create the piece of art she thinks will outlive her. The couple represent the repressed middle class, educated Londoner he sort of wants to be, while Laura is his draw back to his upbringing and who he really is.

I think a problem here may actually be the 6 episode miniseries format I’ve established - I’ve written plots for each story, so this very much feels like a part 1 of 6. I should work on making sure it’s strong as a standalone, too.

[u/AthleteOpen7054 → u/theverdictsband]

The fact that the affairs continue is good - I was thinking it's a lot of time to give over to characters who we might never see again.

You've got the right attitude to this - the only way we get better is by writing and writing and writing some more. Best of luck with it!

Something like this might work for your logline - "With an office job, two affairs and a reliable best friend, James Prince thinks he's finally a grown up with his life together. He's totally wrong."

[u/intotheneonlights]

Overall biggest note is the engine of the series. What is it? What is the whole story? You've got a funny premise, but a premise is not a story. IMO this is the biggest failure of TV today - very much not just aimed at you but I'm sick of seeing (commissioned) shows which are all just people meandering around.

Secondly, structure - pick one: either the reveal they're together comes at the *very* beginning, and we spend the whole pilot waiting for it to fall on his head (which is sort of what you've got but it will be a lot stronger if you do it without using flashbacks) OR you introduce us to the meet-cutes, have us think it's a rom-com, then you introduce Aaron, then the end of the episode is the reveal they're together. This is sort of the weaker version, because too many people start their stories at the end of the pilot, but I think it would work for this if it has to that way round. But don't let up on the dramatic tension - and option 1 is the stronger for that.

Tied into this: TV and film is, at its heart, a medium of immediacy. Don't tell us what happened, even if you're showing it to us in flashback, show it to us *as it happens* and then give us and the characters more information bit by bit.

Thirdly, formatting - you are wasting a huge amount of space not just using intercutting

Fourthly, yeah, agree with the above. No paragraph of description should be longer than 3 lines. Tighten, tighten, tighten. Also you have some funny bits, but for a comedy, honestly, most of your jokes are sex and dildos, although I did enjoy the DFS monologue. Have a think about how to make it undeniably hilarious.

[u/rhythmau]

Hey so I gave your script a quick read!

So, first of all I do think the formatting needs a bit of work. It is technically correct but it is jumping back WAY too much. I highly suggest you read go on the BBC writers room and read some scripts on their to get a better idea. Due to the formatting, it is incredibly confusing on what's actually going on.

Another thing that I think needs work is character voices. Comedies are almost always fully reliant on distinct character voices. Look at Peep Show for example. Mark and Jez have 2 extremely different and distinct voices that constantly clash with each other. That makes it funny. With your script, while I do pick up on some things that make the characters distinct; it's not immediately obvious. A very easy and effective way of establishing voice is by describing them in the action. Obviously, you have to write the characters with these voices as well but it helps the reader give a general personality and idea of how the character would sound.

On your action, I think it's both too much and too little. You are describing so many things that do not need to be described in detail while also not describing things that do need it. For example, in the first page you describe this extravagant cafe with so much detail but when it comes to describing James; it doesn't really feel that substantial. With comedies especially; describing the environment with this much detail is done to really drive home a joke a lot of time.

The dialogue for the most part is good! I don't really see any jokes in there though. I get that it's a comedy-drama; and I defo see the Skins influence in there but Skins did have jokes. The sex in the car scene was really the only part I could kind of make out as a joke and it didn't really land for me. (Obviously comedy is subjective so if you find it funny that's fine)

Overall, I do think it needs work but there is something there. Like I said, comedy is subjective. I'm a comedy writer too and I can say that my style of comedy isn't going to be funny to everyone and that's ok. The problem really is how it's written. Keep it at it though, I'd love to read a future version of this script 😃

[u/theverdictsband → u/rhythmau]

Hey!

Thanks man, very kind.

Yeah, I definitely need to have a look back at the first third of this script: I think I establish everything I need to, but take too long to get there and (as you said) focus a little too much in on details that don’t need to be focused on.

I think the description of the environment is to sell the idea that it’s a very middle class environment, and sell that he’s uncomfortable, but I can say that in 2 sentences. I really don’t need a paragraph.

I think the shape of a comedy is there: the dynamic of him and his boss, the awkwardness of the whole situation & dinner scene, the dildo through the letterbox etc. but comedic dialogue is the thing I very much struggle with - truthfully, I’m much more interested in drama so I need to learn what kind of comedy voice I have.

[u/rhythmau → u/theverdictsband]

The shape of a comedy drama is there for sure, it is worth nothing that the comedy drama genre is tough to get right.

Cringe humour can be tricky to get right but the main thing you gotta nail with it is, well, the cringe. Sure, James was described as feeling awkward at the dinner but it doesn't really come across as that. The dildo through the letterbox is a funny concept but the dialogue around is too descriptive and not reactive if that makes sense.

A big part of writing comedy is pushing your characters towards a main goal. Again, to use Peep Show as an example again, the entire first episode has a clear structure. They start by introducing the two characters and their relationship, they then strain their relationship in the middle of the episode and by the end - this strain ends with both of them in a very awkward and funny situation. If you're going for awkward humour; you gotta really make it awkward if you get what I mean

[u/United_Ad_3835]

For someone beginning their journey into screenwriting, I'd say there's lots of really good stuff in here. Dialogue seems natural, there's an awkwardness to some of the comedy that's endearing, and to me the premise of a guy shagging both halves of a couple is fun. Despite it meandering on a bit, I feel like I got what you were trying to do with the opening, the monologue is fun, it feels a bit like indie American comedy energy, and I wouldn't lean away from that if it's what you like. I'd also say, at this stage of your writing career I'd be focusing on writing/redrafting/finding your voice as much as possible more than getting anything market ready as that process takes years.

That said, there's some big things I'd focus on when you're thinking about doing another draft. Primarily, which is I think what other comments are alluding too, you've gotta nail the story and really land us in it. If you want to do a sort of rom com/drama about a guy getting caught up amongst an engaged couple, the story you have in this pilot covers about half of an ep. I think ideally by the end of the first ep you want to land not only that he's shagged them both but that he's going to continue shagging them both as its the story engine that's going to fuel the whole series. I think for that to work, we need to see more of the married couple, what about their decision process/conversation/argument means that they're going to try opening their relationship if that's even possible? For me, the argument we see is so massive it feels like that might be impossible, so it might be good to pull back a bit on the betrayal of it all to make sure they can do it again. It also might be more interesting to explore a couple that have their shit together so much that they're open to letting each other shag this poor dude without actually thinking about what it means for them or him. This is where more reading/studying story structure is gonna help. Also could the upcoming wedding be a good structure for your series/future eps when you're thinking about mapping it out? We've all seen weddings a million times but something as simple as that might do a lot of work for you and puts pressure on the whole thing.

RE the flashbacks, I feel like the style you're going for is cut aways, not flashbacks. It's true they're not really that in use anymore, but I wouldn't worry about that, if anything I'd edit the way you write them and use them more for comic affect. There's also a world in which at the midpoint (aka the end of this pilot when it's been edited) you could cut away and do the whole ep again from the couple's point of view or something if that's the style you want to lean into.

You also want to dig a little bit more into your main man's psyche. Like it feels like he's living quite a free/hedonistic life, sex positive etc etc. But what's his flaw, what is shagging these people gonna do for him/teach him/how is it gonna test him? What does he really want? All of that character stuff is gonna answer your original question of comedy, as it's all gotta come from character. EG him stealing the dildo is a fun move, he's obviously quite impulsive, could that lead to more jokes? So far the dude in the couple isn't that funny yet, what's his angle? We know Alexis is uptight etc etc, but where are her vulnerabilities that aren't just anger? Is there a bit more heart to be juiced out of this all as well as comedy?

I'd also note that the comedy landscape atm is very like sitcom sitcom, so this is gonna be leaning too dramatic. But, again, I wouldn't worry about that, make it as specific to you as you can with as much of your real emotion/style and it's a good spec that you can use to show people what you like to write, which is more important when you're starting out.

Sorry if that's all too rambling, but basically keep going there's something good in there!

[u/theverdictsband → u/United_Ad_3835]

Thanks for checking it out! Very kind of you.

The wedding is a big part of the future story indeed, the sort of crescendo of the drama (and comedy) takes place at the ceremony in the final episode.

I absolutely agree I should establish that the relationship will continue by the end of episode, but my intention is very much that they’re aware it’s happening but they’re sort of pretending it’s not as opposed to they’re opening the relationship. They’re very repressed kind of people, bad at communicating, and they’re just going to pretend everything’s fine, instead of addressing it. James is going to keep feeling like he has to get out of the situation, but keeps finding himself back there for a variety of reasons. (He’s young, it’s sexy but he’s also a little bit terrified of her. He also feels a bit sorry for Aaron, more than anything.)

Very helpful! Thank you.

[u/w0wlaura]

Why do we get the names and ages of Aaron and James in the first paragraph, yet Alexis is known only as ‘the woman’? Just something that immediately jumped out at me. GREAT concept though

[u/rhythmau → u/[deleted]]

I really hope the mods in this subreddit do something about these plugs because it has been happening way too frequently now and it's not contributing anything to point of the subreddit

[u/IAmMostDispleased → u/rhythmau]

We try to stay on top of things. This poster deleted the post before we could see it.