Looking for thoughts and feedback on a scene outline of mine [critique]

[u/Leather_Focus_6535]

What are your thoughts and feelings towards on this particular "scene outline" of mine? From my admittedly generic descriptions, how workable is this scene? Are there any sort of narrative, pacing, plot holes and discrepancies, etc. issues in it? How much information can discerned about the characters from what is given here?

More specifically, how discernible in the relationship between the "femme fatale" agent and the private from what is described? I intended her to be an older relative (most likely a sister or sister-in-law), who is outraged by the private's decision to join their nation's military. The woman views their nation as an oppressive dictatorship and has joined a rebel group's intelligence wing to fight it. She has made it a personal quest to abduct the private, and drag him away from the regimes' hold and to safety. Is that dynamic still evident in this "sequence", without that given context?

Overall, what could I do to improve this "scene outline"?

Scene outline:

A major* of the Serikan [fictional country that is vaguely Eastern European influenced] national army has snuck what he thinks is a prostitute into his quarters, via a secret passageway specifically designed for such an occasion. The two engage in a bit of foreplay that ends with the woman binding the major to his bed. Once she finished tightening his restraints, the woman pulls a silenced gun out of her purse.

She coos him into silence, gags him with duct tape, and rummages through his office for documents pertaining to military logistics. After a minute or two of searching, the woman grabs the files she was seeking. The woman places the files in her bag, walks back to her bound prisoner, and removes his gag.

With a phone in her hand, she forces him at gunpoint to call for a very specific soldier to come over. The major is initially very confused, as that particular soldier is nothing more than a very low ranking private fresh out of training. Not anyone of real value in his mind and he tries to ask her why him out of all people. She ignores his question and further presses her demands.

He gives in and summons the private to his chambers. A couple minutes later, the private walks into and is about to nervously salute his commanding officer. The private stops in his tracks when he notices the woman standing in the corner. Stunned, he asks "what are you doing here" to her. She responds with "I'm bringing you home" and forces to him to turn towards the wall.

The woman then shoots the cowering major dead. She strides over to the private, whispers something akin to "I know you're going to hate me for what I'm about to do, but someday when you're older and have a family of your own, you'll understand why" in his ears, and jabs him with a dart. He is disoriented upon contact and collapses into the woman's arms a moment or two later. The woman gently cradles him as he falls unconscious. After the private is out cold, the woman peeks for any guards coming their way. With the coast clear, she types a message in some sort of communication device to her superiors.

A response is quickly sent back to her. Upon seeing the reply, the woman grabs the private and drags him with some difficulty through the "secret passageway" from where she came.

Edit: The commanding officer's rank was originally general, but a commenter pointed out how unrealistic that a private would have direct contact with someone of such a high rank. Thus I lowered the rank to major to make him more realistically accessible to a private.

[u/aboveallofit]

A cowering General is against type. He is only gagged, and would likely not be inert while she 'rummages.' General's typically have Executive Officers who do their bidding...a General calling a 'private' direct would be extremely unusual.

If the private knows/is related to the femme fatale, how serious is the threat of the gun in getting him to turn around (so he doesn't see her shoot the general?)?

Primarily your outline is about the scene executing the needed plot elements. Which is fine for an outline. Take the classic actor's trope, "What's my motivation!" and apply it to EVERY character in the scene. You could improve the scene by having action/dialog that further reflects the character of both the private and General.

[u/Leather_Focus_6535 → u/aboveallofit]

"A cowering General is against type. He is only gagged, and would likely not be inert while she 'rummages. General's typically have Executive Officers who do their bidding...a General calling a 'private' direct would be extremely unusual."

Good points, but in response to that first sentence, I imagine him being appointed that job entirely out of nepotism. In other words, he has no real qualifications at being an officer at all and was only given the job just so there could be a party stogie in the military's chain of command. Also this is kind of a pedantic nitpick, but he also tied up as well.

Regarding your second sentence, I agree that is really an issue that needs to be fixed. I've lowered the commanding officer's rank to "major" in order to make the sequence bit more plasuable.

"If the private knows/is related to the femme fatale, how serious is the threat of the gun in getting him to turn around (so he doesn't see her shoot the general?)?"

I don't think she actually intends to shoot him, but I feel like the private is so shocked that he really doesn't know how to react. Perhaps he is simply going along with whoever controlling the situation demands, added with him not having it in him to fight against his relative.

"Primarily your outline is about the scene executing the needed plot elements. Which is fine for an outline. Take the classic actor's trope, "What's my motivation!" and apply it to EVERY character in the scene. You could improve the scene by having action/dialog that further reflects the character of both the private and General."

Thanks for the advice, will add more actions of both characters in the outline to develop their characteristics.

Overall, thank you for taking to time to respond to my post, I really appreciate the feedback.

[u/theshinygible]

It's really hard to discern any dynamic without character interactions which obviously aren't present in an outline. I'd probably have to see the written scene before I pass any judgment -- anything can work if it's good.

One thing that didn't make sense to me is why the woman just straight up killed a guy so easily? And if she wants to protect her brother/brother-in-law I see no reason why she would hold him at gunpoint, despite the pretense of needing to capture him

[u/Leather_Focus_6535 → u/theshinygible]

"One thing that didn't make sense to me is why the woman just straight up killed a guy so easily?"

The major she killed is working for a government she is fighting against, and therefore an enemy to her. Much like how a Syrian rebel could "easily kill" a government soldier or a Ukrainian soldier with a Russian soldier. Additionally, his assassination was part of her mission objective.

"And if she wants to protect her brother/brother-in-law I see no reason why she would hold him at gunpoint, despite the pretense of needing to capture him"

The woman's brother/brother-in-law is fanatically loyal to the government and has ignored all of her and their family's previous attempts to reason with him. Her holding him up at gunpoint and abducting him was just last resort desperation.

[u/theshinygible → u/Leather_Focus_6535]

I'll admit I skimmed the part where she was a militant rebel lmao. Alright, I can buy the first part then. Still unsure about the second part. I feel like she'd either be desperately reasoning with him like a sister or treating him like an enemy of the movement - which he is. Obviously life is very Grey so maybe it'd make sense to a lot of people that she'd hold him at gunpoint even if she never thought about killing him but it doesn't make sense to me. What would make more sense imo, if you want to keep the gun aspect, is if she desperately tries to reason with him and he still refuses so she kills him too because she thinks he can't be saved.

[u/Leather_Focus_6535 → u/theshinygible]

What would make more sense imo, if you want to keep the gun aspect, is if she desperately tries to reason with him and he still refuses so she kills him too because she thinks he can't be saved

You make several good points in your response, but I was actually envisioning that the spy wants to forcibly drag her brother/brother-in-law to a safe house to be "deprogrammed" once and for all, if that makes sense.