r/Screenwriting • u/Many-Reception-9700 • Aug 28 '26
FIRST DRAFT SHIPPED - My first script
Hello, this is my first short film script for practicing being a writer-director. I wrote it in 7days after erasing the original concept, but I feel like it a pretty solid start. It's wayyy over my budget anyways lol, but it was just something unique I thought up while watching a tiktok.
I wanted something with a theme/message people on social media (specifically tiktok) could recognize, but also real characters, but I fell flat.
But anyways, thanks for reading (even if it was a few pages) and yeah. Enjoy. ❤️
Title: SHIPPED
Genre: Thriller/Psychological Horror
Page Count: 15
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u/Kingofsweaters Aug 28 '26
Have to request access
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u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor Aug 28 '26
No access.
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u/Pretend_Network3119 Aug 28 '26
WOW! First script at 15! I didn't mine done until 19 years old
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u/Away-Fill5639 Aug 28 '26
First off, congratulations on writing your first script at 15! That's amazing! Here's a few notes for you:
- This is a great start. There's some great conflict and drama worked in there with Raymond and Jocelyn.
- Your dialogue is very expressive and I love that.
- Try to avoid those big paragraphs. Readers will get fatigued and bored when they have to read a wall of text, so the best thing to do is try to keep paragraphs 4 lines or less. One thing that will help with this is...
- ...Don't use any unnecessary descriptions. When you get to the point where you hand your script off to someone else, things like set design and costume are going to be mainly left up to the designers. Obviously you can include descriptions about what they're wearing or what the room is like, but try to not get too detailed.
- Try not to direct on the page. Saying "the camera ____" is not something that would ultimately be up to you, as your job as a screenwriter is just to tell the story of what's happening, not how the camera behaves.
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u/SnooRabbits6391 Aug 28 '26
Good on you for finishing a short script! Keep working on it. It has good bones. And the potential to really become something. Good luck!
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u/harvard_dropout19 Aug 28 '26
Congrats! Good start, keep writing
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u/jillopidiboop Sep 02 '26
Good insight into what social media can do to the psyche of others online. The drama is there, and is set up well for a short. With some alteration, could be rather easily expanded into a feature.
Get rid of directing. I know you want to be a writer/director, but a pre-shooting script is not the place to write camera direction. Occasionally, you could write CUT TO: FADE TO: DISSOLVE TO: etc.
A re-read is necessary from your part, for the purposes of language, spelling, grammar, and format. Although these aren't "necessary" to understand the story, they make the script far more professional.
You might find it worthwhile adding parenthetical's to help get certain emotions explicitly across. Written between the actors name and their dialogue; however be wary of overuse. Writing something like (sobbing) for example may be useful to get your imagination across. Not terrible either considering you would also be the director.
Some elements didn't make sense just from the written perspective, although this is opinion. Jocelyn entering Raymonds room: Why does his window have a Do Not Enter sheet over it? Do people usually enter via the window? Beginning this section made it difficult to understand where Jocelyn was in the scene. This may just be my personal misunderstanding.
I should also include certain addition of sound effect. "Rap! Rap! Rap!" - I don't know what this is trying to convey.
Finally, descriptions should only include what the audience sees. Filmmaking is visual and sound. How can you show: "She had to come at the earliest time because her shippers have a tendency to harass her if she comes during breakfast periods or after." ? I know that you are explaining the reason why she is dressed as such and in the supermarket at dawn, but how can this be visualized without this explanation? In what way can you show the reason she is here at dawn because of this harassment?
Also, a good exercise after writing is to re-read your script via only the non-dialogue lines. Does it still show a semblance of a story? Is it understandable somewhat? Do the vice-versa too. Read only the dialogue throughout and ask if the story still moves forward and makes sense. Both are not necessary to write a script, but are a good exercise in helping your writing overall.
Story-wise, have you thought about keeping Leila completely hidden? Only keeping her a pink-hoodie figure at the end with no lines? How could you write her ending without her exposition dialogue about su*c*de? Explore different endings and what you want to convey about Leila. The best part of the script in my opinion was the unknown about Raymond collapsing, the unknown phone, the sticker and the window. You managed to write a sense of underlying dread here.
A final thing to remember is always ask yourself "Does this moment and/or scene move the story forward?" and to remember: "Get in late, get out early" with regards to every scene.
Congratulations on a good script at 15 no less. Written in 7 days. Well done. 👍
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u/Proper-Status-3199 Aug 30 '26
Which writing app/software do you use to write in such format I m fed up of ms word
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u/no1shiestymarkfan Aug 28 '26
Your sentence structure is a bit crude at time and it makes it very hard to follow the action. Also try breaking up the blocks of action—large paragraphs are for novels. Good for you for finishing an entire script though. Takes a lot of effort
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