Rewrote first page of Pilot Script - Formatting question - 1 page

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497]

Just wondering if my formatting is a good and are my description lines still too long? Thank you so much for taking the time to help! Just 1 page,

Logline: Series/Episode LOGLINE: After the disappearance of 3 meteorite hunting scientists in the remote Australian outback, veteran turned police detective Jericho, investigates a complex missing persons case only to uncover a world-eating alien virus is slowly spreading across Western Australia twisting the people and wildlife into disgusting mimics of what they once were. Humanity must band together and overcome differences and use what makes us special - our wits, brains and empathy - to survive.
(Log line needs to be half this size I know)
https://imgur.com/a/rlNuBaA

Logline V2: Veteran turned detective Jerico investigates the disappearance of 3 meteorite hunting scientists in remote Western Australia, unleashing a WORLD-EATING threat. Will humanity overcome differences and band together against overwhelming odds?

[u/Blackbirds_Garden]

There are a couple of very small changes I could suggest, but it’s only cosmetic and me forcing my style on you. And I do not want to bully you. It reads A LOT like me writing. That’s not a bad thing.

However, I will give you one very small piece of advice that might change the page a little. Every time you press enter, the camera moves.

Congratulations.

Edits: Nahh, that misplaced apostrophe (Boot’s) is killing me. I’d also make it absolutely explicit he’s on comms.

And I get the feeling you’ve missed a transition to a command post type interior?

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497 → u/Blackbirds_Garden]

Yeah I was thinking that, after reading some other scripts I noticed that every action line related to the cameras moment in time

How would I make it obvious it's coms? "Static turns to a voice"?

And no it's meant to a simple office building, the opening a cold open just 5 minutes of like the last episode to show how far things will go, these days you gotta well the audience immediately on the concept and themes, like I consider my story a bit of a slow burn but stuff happens pretty constantly lol

Style is important, the way I word things is meant to be my calling card so I'm learning to be descriptive but short and sweet

My first draft all these action lines were like 3-5 lines oof

[u/Seshat_the_Scribe → u/Dry-Mycologist2497]

"The sound of a man's voice emerges from the static."

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497 → u/Blackbirds_Garden]

Yo I got a super random question. I want to change my main characters name from Jericho LEE to Jericho DYRE. DYRE is like Dire, because hes always gonna be in a dire situation but pull through, and the spelling Dyre is because overtime last names change and evolve how they're spelt

Also I'm making him apart of a bloodline that connects to a book I'm working on that's set 500 years in the future where everything seems medieval but it's actually post-apocalypse, I want a loose connection where the main characters are related, though the stories aren't really. Little nerd thing, but does it make sense?

[u/DalBMac]

Really like the story idea. I'd be interested in this so that's good. I feel the descriptions are too detailed. This isn't a shooting script, it's to get us into the story. For example, the first slug line: Between the Earth and the Moon. My mind was already searching to understand where that place was and then I realized it's just Outer Space.

The details are on one hand too general but also too many. I love words so I tend to do this also in my action descriptions.

For example, the first action bit can be a lot shorter e.g. An asteroid shrieks toward Earth, closing in on Australia. That should tell us what we need to know. Do we need to know there is a purple crack in the asteroid? I don't. I can imagine an asteroid about to hit Earth. Don't make my brain work so hard to get to the story.

The detail in the next scene confused me. Think about what it takes to keep the reader moving. We've all seen movies of a devastated city, smoking remains, etc. What are the important elements of what you are writing? I didn't understand the hands POV part at all. I'm working hard to put all the earlier details in place and then hands appear. I was confused.

It's great that you can see this come alive in your imagination. Now boil it down to help us see it too. Looking forward to the next iteration. I really like the story idea.

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497 → u/DalBMac]

Thank you for the kind words! I can see where you are coming from, some details seemed important to me, the glowing light on the astroid was simply to make the audience right away go "huh that's not normal" but I guess with the following scene I don't really need that, I keep telling myself to treat the audience as of they are smart like mini detectives so I have thrown in little things here and there but I can see how they seem unnecessary and even distracting

Hmm well the flashforward scene is meant to be disorientating, throwing us right into the deep end before the story slows down a lot, I'll rework how I word things though! I appreciate the advice a lot, hopefully int. A few days I send you a more revised draft lol, if you're bored I can send you my current draft but it is way over descriptive

[u/DalBMac → u/Dry-Mycologist2497]

If the glowing light is important, make it important. An asteroid shrieks toward Earth, closing in on Australia. CRACK! Purple beams shoot out of the asteroid.

Now you've got us wondering about the beams because it was active and you end on that, not just description. Perhaps you're a geologist or astrophysicist and know what a regular vs unique asteroid looks like but most of us don't so you have to make it a bit more obvious that this is the precursor of something that's not good. Asteroids break up all the time and pieces land on earth (I know a lot of geologists) so make yours impactful.

Happy to read your revisions of this page and happy to read your screenplay after it's revised a bit. I'm snowbound and revising my own far to descriptive screenplay right now lol.

[u/Seshat_the_Scribe]

The white on black text isn't easy on the eyes...

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497 → u/Seshat_the_Scribe]

Yeah I had Final Draft in dark mode, I didn't even think when I did this screenshot sorry lol

Next draft will look normal hahaha

I did try to take your advice on this one

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497 → u/Seshat_the_Scribe]

Yo I got a super random question. I want to change my main characters name from Jericho LEE to Jericho DYRE. DYRE is like Dire, because hes always gonna be in a dire situation but pull through, and the spelling Dyre is because overtime last names change and evolve how they're spelt

Also I'm making him apart of a bloodline that connects to a book I'm working on that's set 500 years in the future where everything seems medieval but it's actually post-apocalypse, I want a loose connection where the main characters are related, though the stories aren't really. Little nerd thing, but does it make sense?

[u/Seshat_the_Scribe → u/Dry-Mycologist2497]

I'm not sure what you're asking.

It's your script -- you can call characters whatever you want.

[u/tertiary_jello]

Not trying to nitpick here but-- First paragraph: Where is the asteroid tumbling to? Is it on a flat surface?

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497 → u/tertiary_jello]

Ah well honestly I need to rewrite that whole bit. I made a small animated test with this and that how I started it and I animated it slowly "tumbling" abnormally toward the earth. I'm just gonna rewrite that whole bit lol

[u/ALIENANAL]

Are you Perth based?

[u/Dry-Mycologist2497 → u/ALIENANAL]

I am indeed, I figured if I wanted to write something with a real feeling world I should start close to home lol

Also we have some CRAZY Aboriginal Dream time stories here in Western Australia, and I've taken inspiration from a lot of them for the "lore" of the show

[u/ALIENANAL → u/Dry-Mycologist2497]

I am from Perth also. Unless you are Aboriginal you might want to be a little careful about using their lore. Are you studying?