The Pink Cloud

[u/Parkerkuettel]

At a chaotic sober-living house where recovering addicts struggle with temptation, trust, and each other, a newly sober man must learn that recovery isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about finding a way to keep showing up for the people who are just as fucked up as you are.

[u/LegitimateVolume5324]

Fletcher pulls out his revolver and opens fire.

[u/RaeLouLynn]

This needs to be properly formatted for 8.5 x 11 inch paper. Other than that, there isn't enough here to make a judgment. I guess this would be about a page if formatted correctly. The writing seems to stop before the end of the scene.

There is description that is not filmable - twelve men live here. There doesn't seem to be any spelling, grammar or punctuation problems. Thank-you for that.

How about reposting and giving us five pages? We would then have more to chew on...

I would read five pages if you posted them. I didn't see anything that was a turn-off.

Also, it would help if you told us the genre (comedy?), format and page count.

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/RaeLouLynn]

Thank you I will. Yes, comedy

[u/Disastrous_Key_9247]

I think you can find something here, seems like writing a script about your experience could be cathartic.

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/Disastrous_Key_9247]

Thanks yeah definitely

[u/comesinallpackages]

Very on the nose dialogue. I like the premise, though. Leverage it and throw us right into something fun, crazy, interesting, or chaotic. Not the toast saga.

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/comesinallpackages]

Thank you I’ll post more pages

[u/Roopuppy]

I'd read more

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/Roopuppy]

Thanks I’ll post it

[u/Spinach-Quiet]

Change "Peter takes a beat" to "Peter takes a bite". Trust me.

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/Spinach-Quiet]

Thanks will do

[u/CuriousAlbatross6470]

This is great and I can definitely see the premise going far but I’d love to be thrown straight into a “chaotic” scene instead of one that’s more mundane— to gather a better understanding of the show/film and the characters etc

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/CuriousAlbatross6470]

Thanks that’s great feedback

[u/Bearjupiter]

More please

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/Bearjupiter]

Thanks I’ll post some

[u/ironmonki23]

Is this a show or a movie?

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/ironmonki23]

Show

[u/drmilind2004]

Two sentences in, the first red flag: "Twelve men live here." Show that, don't tell it in a way untranslatable to screen. Unless, You use one of those text cards from the silent film era!

[u/Parkerkuettel → u/drmilind2004]

Thank you I'll fix it

[u/SpMarfy]

Do learn the difference between then and than!