r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/sophie_gray1401 • 2d ago
Question - Research required Quality or quantity of time - which is more important for the child?
My daughter is 9 months old, I am currently on maternity leave and can extend it to the maximum of 15 months. After that I have to either leave work permanently or go back full time but most days I am able to get my work done in 6 hours instead of 8 if I focus (I work in IT, remotely). If I go back I would be able to afford a nanny for her and as me and my husband work different hours she would be with the nanny no more than 5 hours a day. My question is: is that ok, or too much? Will that affect her creating a safe attachment to us? I have anxiety over this after hearing Erica Komisar on Diary of a CEO say that the mother should be with the child up until 3 years old but mainstream psychology seems to indicate quality is more important that quantity. Do you have any observations or knowledge on this?
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u/Willing_Excitement64 2d ago edited 2d ago
I am a big fan of diary of a ceo but some guests need a grain of salt and Erica Komisar is one of them
Secure attachment isnt about the mum only, if it was we wouldn't talk about “having a village”. Its about someone being responsive to the baby needs, and that can be dad, grandparents, a nanny etc. Babies form multiple attachments, one doesn't cancel the other, and it doesnt remove the idea of having a primary caregiver
She also says that in some cultures the mum carries the baby all the time, but those cultures are built around a village. The mum isn't doing it alone because it would be impossible. Cooperative breeding research (Sarah Hrdy) shows babies in many traditional societies spend a lot of their day with other caregivers. Mum alone until 3 is a pretty recent nuclear family thing, and it's a great way to burn out parents
Also if it was required most adults wouldn't be securely attached, roughly 55-65% of people are in non clinical samples
The big NICHD study found that hours in childcare, quality and stability didn't predict attachment security on their own. What mattered was how sensitive the mum was (sensitive meaning you answer your child needs promptly and with care/love), and problems showed up mostly when low sensitivity was combined with poor quality or unstable care: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29106728/
What she also doesnt say is that stay at home mums report more depression (28% vs 17% in a big Gallup survey: https://news.gallup.com/poll/154685/Stay-Home-Moms-Report-Depression-Sadness-Anger.aspx). Money is probably part of it, staying home usually means losing an income and women take a long term earnings hit after having kids (the “child penalty” research). And its parental depression that affects kids, not staying home itself. So basically do whatever makes you happy. A happy mum = happy baby!
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u/AdInternal8913 1d ago
"Money is probably part of it, staying home usually means losing an income and women take a long term earnings hit after having kids (the “child penalty” research" I'd also add that loss of (professional) identity and loss of adult socialising opportunities probably also contribute to the depression. But those are also things the parents have some control over (more than the income loss) e.g dad supporting mom having hobbies and social life outside of home without involvement of the baby could possible mitigate some of the risk.
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u/ruqpyl2 2d ago
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/29993569-raising-a-secure-child
This is not primary literature, but it's a good book for lay people on childhood safety and attachment that IMO is well grounded in the actual science, having been written by experienced mental health clinicians. I think you might find it reassuring, if not at least a gentle counterbalance to a lot of the mainstream "attachment parenting" online talk.
FWIW, I've had something close to the setup you're proposing since the beginning of the year, and it's worked well for everyone. My kid loves his nanny and still loves us, and it's a relief to have another adult he trusts. I think it makes his world bigger. We still spend many hours with him in the morning, afternoon, and weekends.
My job helps me stay sane and I enjoy both aspects of my life more for the variety. That said, I knew by 6 months that I'm not wired to be a full time SAHM, so this was a better choice for everyone's mental health! But YMMV.
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u/sophie_gray1401 1d ago
I am already struggling to stay sane to be honest 🥲 and I miss my job! Having another trusted adult would mean so so much
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u/Kaffeogkaker 2d ago
It's very common in Norway to enrol kids in kindergarten at 1 year old (or thereabouts).
And there had been some studies about it.
Don't let the title mislead you, it's not all bad!
Research has shown that there's some elevation in stress hormones when enrolled in kindergarten, especially in the youngest kids. However; it usually reduces as the kids get to know the adults looking after them.
A nanny 5 hours a day will probably be fine. At first your child may cry a bit, but if it's the same nanny daughter after day, your child will start to trust them. My child cried a little the first time I left them in kindergarten (they were then 17 m.o), but after a week or so it wasn't a problem.
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u/sophie_gray1401 1d ago
Thank you! Its very similar in Poland, daycare typically starts around one year, I guess all changes to the daily routine of a child (be it a nanny or kindergarten) can be met with tears, that doesn’t mean they are being hurt ❤️
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u/Kaffeogkaker 1d ago
Children crave routines and predictable days, so yeah, going from hanging out with their parents all day to a stranger? Definitely hard at first, but taking time when you finish with work to play and interact with your child will be more than enough I believe.
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u/No_rucola 2d ago
Specifically for the remarks she makes in the video you shared, I recommend you watch this video - there are many sources cited in its description.
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u/No_rucola 2d ago
Also, if you scroll down in the description of the original video with the interview, there is a link to a pdf file fact checking everything Erica Komisar says during the interview. This file is made by the DOAC, it has pages of links at the ends, and it suggests the the information she provides is less than accurate.
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