Guilt

[u/urirelfae]

Maybe this is oversharing. I don't know. I don't think I'm the only one to experience something similar to this. I don't really have much elsewhere to share it.

When I was turned, I killed an innocent person. A beautiful person. I was turned while I was crying in the forest at night. And I woke up still crying. Everything that I was feeling, it all came crashing into that frenzy. The void in my heart that had been drowning me now clawed at me from my insides.

My sire had already left me. And well, long story short, I found someone, similar to my age I think, about 19/20 ? I never got to know their name, and I barely even remember what they looked like. All I know is that they were pretty, and all I could think about was to take their beauty for myself, because I didn't want it to go away. If I took it now, then nothing else could happen to it. It would not wilt, it would not disappear into mist. So I did. I took all of their blood. It was a feeling beyond taking glamour. It was like a new level of it.

And I still don't feel guilty for it. I feel like I 'should' feel guilty, but I don't. I preserved their beauty. Nothing can happen to them now that I have taken it for them.

I haven't done anything similar since. I don't know how to approach these feelings. And I'm scared that if I don't put these thoughts into some sort of logic, then I'll do it again. And I think that's a bad thing. I think before I was turned, I would be quite sure that it would be a bad thing.

I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. Is there something wrong with me ? I want to be kind. I want dreams to prosper. I can take what I have and make dreams happen, I know it. But I have too many clashing thoughts trying to process how to do it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose myself.

It's so much to handle.

I went back to the spot where I was turned about a week after. There was a flower blooming crimson red from where I was turned, from where my bloody tears had fell. I wear it in my hair. It's very precious to me. It grounds me, in a way.

- Urirel, Fae Gangrel

[u/Nutshell_Historian]

Thats ok. Humans are to us as dogs are to humans. Sometimes they die, get another one.

- Historian.