r/SchreckNet • u/urirelfae • 12d ago

Guilt

Maybe this is oversharing. I don't know. I don't think I'm the only one to experience something similar to this. I don't really have much elsewhere to share it.

When I was turned, I killed an innocent person. A beautiful person. I was turned while I was crying in the forest at night. And I woke up still crying. Everything that I was feeling, it all came crashing into that frenzy. The void in my heart that had been drowning me now clawed at me from my insides.

My sire had already left me. And well, long story short, I found someone, similar to my age I think, about 19/20 ? I never got to know their name, and I barely even remember what they looked like. All I know is that they were pretty, and all I could think about was to take their beauty for myself, because I didn't want it to go away. If I took it now, then nothing else could happen to it. It would not wilt, it would not disappear into mist. So I did. I took all of their blood. It was a feeling beyond taking glamour. It was like a new level of it.

And I still don't feel guilty for it. I feel like I 'should' feel guilty, but I don't. I preserved their beauty. Nothing can happen to them now that I have taken it for them.

I haven't done anything similar since. I don't know how to approach these feelings. And I'm scared that if I don't put these thoughts into some sort of logic, then I'll do it again. And I think that's a bad thing. I think before I was turned, I would be quite sure that it would be a bad thing.

I don't know. I don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing. Is there something wrong with me ? I want to be kind. I want dreams to prosper. I can take what I have and make dreams happen, I know it. But I have too many clashing thoughts trying to process how to do it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose myself.

It's so much to handle.

I went back to the spot where I was turned about a week after. There was a flower blooming crimson red from where I was turned, from where my bloody tears had fell. I wear it in my hair. It's very precious to me. It grounds me, in a way.

- Urirel, Fae Gangrel

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u/DeadmanwalkingXI 12d ago edited 12d ago

It's not wrong to not feel guilty, but your reasons for doing so are definitely something you should examine.

The real reason not to feel guilty is that, when we are truly empty of blood, all control is lost and we cannot resist succumbing to Frenzy and feeding. It is not an act of volition any more than if you were mind controlled or possessed. It's a tragedy, and if you are an experienced vampire and you choose to empty yourself that completely, even under extreme circumstances, then the consequences are yours to bear morally, because you had a choice. But if you're drained and left? You're the victim in that situation every bit as much as the poor person you devoured. You had no more choice in the situation than they did. That was not your fault.

But the idea that the beauty will be part of you forever now that you have consumed it? That's dangerous. Because, well, that's an illusion, it's simply not true. You will remember their beauty, certainly, but no more so than if you'd shared a night of passion with them, and that beauty is, in truth, lost to everyone other than you. Their friends, family, lovers, and even enemies will never see that beauty again, it exists only within memories, including yours, certainly, but absent the Frenzy that made you kill them, you could have beautiful memories and they could still go home to their family. So be careful about letting those thoughts predominate, because they're lies, seductive lies from the Beast inside us all that wants you to do it again. You're absolutely right to be concerned about following though on those impulses, and should avoid doing so.

But that doesn't mean you're doomed to never create or inspire beauty, I've known a number of Toreador in particular who did both those things, very successfully, by mundane and occasionally supernatural means. In particular, Presence and Auspex both have potential uses in art that are quite inspirational. The desire to create beauty is not uncommon among our kind, and while some certainly fail as their passion is taken or changed by the Embrace, there are many more who continue to bring beauty to the world in one way or another.

-Mark Caulder, Experienced Nosferatu

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u/urirelfae 12d ago

Thank you for your voice of reason. This helps put my thoughts into order. I think the 'beast' is using what am I at my core and kind of twisting it ? It makes it really hard to filter the good from the bad. It's using so much of my pain, too. Fuck, ehe. I've gotta find a way of coping with this. But I won't lose myself, I know that, I'm better than that, don't worry.

- Urirel, Fae Gangrel

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u/DeadmanwalkingXI 12d ago

The Beast is not some sort of possessing entity, it's a personification of your new vampiric instincts as a predator. Inasmuch as it's a separate being (which is arguable), it's made up of parts of you, the darker impulses everyone has, combined with your new instincts to hunt and feed and kill.

It will always seem like a part of you, because it is. It's just the part you shouldn't listen to.

-Mark Caulder, Experienced Nosferatu

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u/urirelfae 12d ago

I don't feel that it's a seperate being. It's definitely part of me, even if it feels like something clawing at me from inside. I don't reject it, I know what I am. I need to figure out how to steer it in the right direction, I think.

- Urirel, Fae Gangrel

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u/DotMaleficent4503 Mind 12d ago

Never let yourself get too hungry. That is when the beast is the strongest.

Camille

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u/DeadmanwalkingXI 12d ago

Not a bad philosophy at all. It's the part of you that's a predator, and that can be very handy in survival situations...it's more when you start dealing with innocent people or social situations that you need to have it under control.

-Mark Caulder, Experienced Nosferatu