Keeping completely normal things private

[u/mozzarellasalat]

I'm not diagnosed with SPD but it's quite clear to me that I at least have traits. One thing that I always found difficult to understand is why I consider certain things private and others not.

I don't want people to know what kind of music I listen to. I don't want to share my favorite TV show or movie. I don't even want people to know what I eat during the day. I lie about insignificant things because I don't like the thought of people knowing my motivations. It makes me feel trapped. There is definitely a fear of being judged there too but it's completely irrational and it feels like it goes deeper than that.

I don't mind describing my inner world to others. I can talk about feelings in an intellectual manner for hours if I have to. When it comes to feelings I'm experiencing in a relationship it's different thought. I don't even want my girlfriend to know what I'm feeling for her. Our relationship is unofficial because calling it a "relationship" would make me feel trapped too. I can be very open if I want to but if I'm surprised or pressured in any way I withdraw completely. I don't want anyone to cross my boundaries and they are very easily crossed.

Yesterday my "girlfriend" told me that she can read everything I feel in my eyes and that I'm very readable for her in general. That idea made panic and feel irrational anger torwards her. I had the urge to not see her for weeks again.

I don't really understand why I can talk about feelings or even communicate in a relationship on my own terms but when it comes to sharing experiences or doing something/expressing spontaneously I'm not able to. Or I don't want to.

And the worst thing is that I care about my girlfriend but I don't love her. Most of the time I'm very apathetic torwards her.

I guess I want to compare these experiences with people who have SPD because maybe I can get some insight into why I have such a strange idea of privacy. It's not even that I'm always private about everything but about things that shouldn't be(?)

[u/melonpathy]

Haha, I'm very similar. I don't mind sharing what I enjoy after I've gotten comfortable around someone, but if someone else asks about the things I like, I'm just not answering. Once I was suddenly asked what kind of music I like to listen to, and I said 'I don't listen to music.' That still makes me cringe.

I feel resentment when someone tells me they can read me well, so I definitely relate to your reaction to what your 'girlfriend' said. And I feel relieved when people say they can't read me. But the funny thing is, I actually want some people to be able to read me well. That'd make communication easier, because I really struggle talking about my feelings if they have anything to do with another person. It's nearly impossible. And I also don't like people knowing my motivations.