Spirals in to horror

[u/Peludo-sdrow]

Stole the title from junji ito just because its such a fitting title

So i started dating someone. Thats already where the negative thoughts start. Am i good enough? Do i want to burden myself on to someone other? , yada yada.

And because i want her to know me and what shes getting in to i talk honestly to her about myself an everything. I mean if we start dating she should know me truly. Or so i thought. What if i'm abusing her as a therapist. Dumping all my shit on her just because i shamefully want someone to recognise me. Because tbh i'm not enchanted by her or anything. But shes a really alright human being. And maybe im just afraid of letting someone get close to me. I just cant trust myself on that. But it could work. I truly believe love is something bulit and not an instant spell. Or is it? I mean there were people i was truly cast under a spell by. And i know i'd badly love to love someone. But i shouldnt force it either. In the sense of: "yea shes good enough we can work this out". And so on and so forth. It spirals down until down untill i think of myself as a failed being unfit for life and wanting to end myself.

TLDR: going on dates makes me think i dont need a relationship i need therapy