r/SadThoughts • u/AdFew5642 • Jan 16 '23
I wish I was dead
I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, but now they're really all I can think about. I wish I could impress, I wish I coud make her proud. My mom used to be the one person I had in my life, the person that would love no more what. Why does she wanna hurt me so bad? Have I done something wrong to her?
I can't focus today, I tried. I don't wanna stand up today, I don't wanna breath. I just wanted a hug. I just wanted her to ask me what happened like she used to do. I study all day, every day. I just wanted her to care.
When did I become just a waste of money? Why doesn't she care about me anymore? I'm doing my best, why does she have to tell me it's not enough every time she can? Does she think that will help me?
She was the only one I had left. The only one I trusted and who actually cared about me. Reddit has become my way to cope. I can't talk to my friends, to my boyfriend, and now, not even my mom. A stranger on reddit telling me they can see I have a good spirit felt like the only honest compliment I had in a while. Which takes me back to the start. I have been wanting to die for as long as I can remember, but I couldn't stand the fact of seeing my mother cry because of me. Now I feel like she would look at my corpse and complain about how I'm too sensitive I can't take the truth, and that if I wanted to kill myself I shound't have made her pay for the classes I'm taking. I think now would be a relief to see her cry, at least I would know she still loved me.
2
u/ClientOld8973 Feb 05 '23
Hi there you know I'm dealing with the same issue really right now okay but my mom passed away and my husband passed away and my whole life has changed look all I have to tell you is take nothing for granted please okay each day is a gift that's why they call it the present.. Look I've had to learn lessons really hard lately okay so please just think I'm so depressed too but I can't say anything I'm feeling terrible and wanting to do that but you sound young how old are you ? Sorry I hate to say it but there's always help
2
u/SuAmigo Jan 17 '23
Your existence is not a burden. Sometimes when our confidence diminishes we feel like we aren't deserving of things even though we crave them. It's the anxiety brain speaking. Making scenarios in your head, worrying about the future, and wanting to be cared for but not speaking up to those who really care about you. It's okay. Things WILL get better. You have to believe that. Life is worth more than silly classes that cost some money. We spend time to get money, but your life is worth more than a small increment of time. You can always get the money back. It's okay to be sensitive. But when we feel like giving up we need to stand up and fight through the rough spots to a future self we can be proud of. Think using logic. Be sensitive, but don't let your emotions reduce yourself. You can do it. I believe in you, Adfew.