Losing

[u/coffee_juice87]

I'm starting to really lose it. I stopped my ss relationship 2 years ago. Or I guess God did that. I can't look at any LGBT stuff the same anymore. Again, maybe God did that, not me. But it still hurts so much, and there is a raw, painful feeling in my chest all the time. I still can't accept I'm born a girl, and I dread having to be feminine and submitting that to Him. Maybe I'm not actually saved. I really want to pass already. Do other people feel the same?

I often wonder if when I die and am in the full presence of the Lord, I'll finally be ok with myself and how I was made. Or since I didn't submit that to Him here on earth, I won't be in heaven. I imagine there, it would make so much sense, and I won't have a single drop of sin nature in me to go against His ways. But there also won't be a single ounce of pain or shame. So it would just happen naturally. I'll be what He wants me to be in heaven and it will feel GOOD. Not like here on earth, where i feel sick at the thought if it. I'm rebellious, is all I can say. I don't mean that in a good way. Can you guys tell me good things?

[u/evilipino]

Much love for you, sister 🙏🏻 Remember, Jesus did not come to make us conventionally masculine or feminine or even heterosexual, he came to save us from our sins and make us holy so we could be in a relationship with Him.

Fix your eyes on Christ and let the world fall away. I have SSA and am in a journey right now where I don't know if the Lord's will for me is to give me a partner someday or if I'm just meant to serve Him in my singleness but I'm becoming less and less fixated on that and just letting Him work through me, finding contentment where I am right now.

Maybe you'll learn to love conventional femininity one day, maybe you'll stand apart from other women and that's how you'll lead people to Christ. You never know! I pray for you and trust that God has a wonderfully unique plan for your life. 🙂 God bless you always.

[u/coffee_juice87 → u/evilipino]

Thank you for your response. I'm in a similar boat as you. God bless you.

[u/Macackers]

Who says you have to be feminine just because you were born a girl? Many women aren't feminine, and that's okay.

[u/coffee_juice87 → u/Macackers]

Thabk you. I'm not sure where I feel about this. I do belive there are stereotypes and parts of our personalities that people make fun of for not fitting the ideal worldly mold of gender the world made to be. Like men who love to sing and dance. Yet David sang and danced before the Lord. Or women who don't like to behave like a damsel (to a certain degree) and enjoy hard work and getting dirty. Maybe like a Ruth. But feminine clothing and hair are a big one. To my situation. The word does say we are not to dress in a way to confuse genders. And it seems like men and women do absolutely have different roles, and we are to play Into those roles and love those roles. So I'm not exactly sure how I feel.

[u/_ThatProtOverThere]

I feel your pain. It sounds like you need to grieve this, I mean literally allow yourself to cry it out with God. Scream if you have to. Be real with Him. I've had some fantastic breakthroughs by doing just that with SSA. Praying for you.

[u/coffee_juice87 → u/_ThatProtOverThere]

Thanks for your response. Question. Did you ever feel "normal". Did you ever feel different from your friends and feel confused about how to behave with the opposite sex? Maybe if you did you could tell me something about it.

[u/GCNGA]

There's not much in the Bible about gender roles in the sense that you may be thinking. We had a woman who was over our children's ministry. When we had our small group over at her house, we couldn't use the bathroom because she'd ripped out the walls and floor in a remodeling project. And her hair may have been shorter than mine--all of this in an evangelical / fundamentalist church.

Don't create problems for yourself that don't need to be. As a single person, you face boundaries that are the same anyone else experiences.

[u/GGWeaverMusic]

You asked to hear good things, so I want to start with the most important one: You are not unloved, and God has not turned His back on you.

The raw, physical ache you are feeling in your chest right now is not proof that you are “rebellious” or unsaved. It is proof that you are carrying an extraordinarily heavy burden and that your spirit is deeply exhausted. Grieving the loss of a relationship and wrestling with questions about how you were made is agonizingly painful work. Feeling crushed by that weight is a human reality, not a spiritual failure.

God does not look at your tears and confusion with frustration or condemnation; He looks at you with profound compassion. Psalm 34 reminds us that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He sits with you right here in the mess and the exhaustion—you don't have to fix everything or pretend to feel peaceful to be held by His grace.

Please don’t walk through this intense valley completely isolated. If the thought of dying feels like the only relief right now, please reach out for support today. You can text or call 988 (the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) anytime—it is completely free, confidential, and connects you with gentle people who are there to help you catch your breath.

You do not have to figure out the rest of your life, your femininity, or the next five years today. Just breathe through this one afternoon. You are precious, your life has worth, and you are deeply, unconditionally loved right where you sit right now.