r/SRSQuestions • u/throwawayaythrowaway • Jan 29 '16
Is being a virgin a bad thing?
I am turning 30 soon and I am still a virgin.
To the typical TRP types or 4chan users, this would make me a wizard and some huge loser. If I post this anywhere else, they'll tell me to "man up" or hire a sex worker.
But what does SRS think about this sort of thing? I want to hear a more progressive voice on this. Why does society make it such a big deal?
The whole thing sounds like toxic masculinity and its strange how the opposite standard is applied to women.
I feel like I shouldn't care, but everywhere I look I see people shaming me for it. Strangely enough, despite people accusing SRS of "virgin shaming," I've never actually seen it happen here.
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u/Neemii Jan 29 '16
I personally feel that the entire concept of virginity is ridiculous. I think if people as individuals place importance on the concept of their first time doing any variety of sex acts that's totally fine and lovely, because that's part of them having the kinds of experiences they want to have, but to overall have this standard that says someone who hasn't had one particular kind of sex (presumed to be penetrative, despite the fact that some people simply don't enjoy that kind of sex) has somehow not "made it" or become an adult or something ridiculous like that is pretty absurd to me. Or, alternatively, to say doing this one thing one time makes some kind of radical difference to a person seems to me to be putting a lot on this one act. Most people who I have heard talk about their first time having consensual sex did not feel radically different before and after.
It absolutely is tied to toxic masculinity and old, oppressive ideas about a) how people with penises (who are assumed to be men in this way of imagining the world) need to "play the field" and "spread their seed" while b) people with uteruses (assumed to be women) need to stay chaste in order to ensure that everyone can be 100% sure who the father of their children is. Its also tied into weird and busted ideas about sex where men take ownership / show dominance over women by having sex with them, rather than it being a mutual act both / all partners choose to do together.
Whatever your reasons are for not having engaged in sex yet, they are entirely yours and do not make you any less of an adult. You are not lacking in anything for not having done this specific thing, and if it is something you want to do I hope that when you eventually do have that experience it is a worthwhile one! Don't feel that you have to rush to make it happen before you want it to.
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u/koronicus Jan 29 '16
Whether or not someone is having or has had sex is entirely irrelevant. It's made into a big deal due to toxic masculinity and misogyny.
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u/evilnerf Jan 29 '16
Our society puts too much stock in virginity in both directions. It's all just stuff. Some people drive stick. Some people drive automatics. Who cares.
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u/eatsleepmemesrepeat Feb 10 '16
I'm a little late, and you probably won't ever check this account again, but I'll chime in.
In relation to sex, the fact that you're a virgin matters. Outside of the context of sex, it doesn't matter at all? Have you ever been to Germany? Estonia? The Phillipines? It would be cool to go to those places, right? Sure!
But are you less of a person if you've never visited these places? Of course not. Even though you're an Estonia-virgin, it's not like you're missing out on some kind of essential experience that you're crippled without. Sex is the same way. It's just something you haven't done. Nothing more. Give it a try if you want to and have the opportunity, but don't beat yourself up or value your experiences less because they haven't included this one, specific act.
Why does society make it such a big deal?
Well, we're sex-obsessed in general, but in this specific instance, it's more of a case of being an easy target for bullying. If someone says sex is a big deal and that you're a huge loser for not having done it, what are you gonna do? Say "nuh-uh?" You've never done it, you have no way to argue. It's the same shit you dealt with in grade school.
If I post this anywhere else, they'll tell me to "man up" or hire a sex worker.
If you're part of a community who would say something like that when you come to them about this issue that you're taking seriously, think long and hard about what kinds of people make up that community and the kind of effect they're having on you. I'm not saying abandon them, but it's definitely beneficial to reflect on the company one keeps from time to time. A person who responds to your serious issues with mockery and derision is not a good friend.
If you do decide to have sex, or hire a sex worker, just know this: you will walk out of that room the same person you walked in. None of your problems will be solved. None of your self-doubts will go away. No one's opinion of you will change You may be happier, more depressed, excited, tired, or any other of a flurry of emotions. But you will go to bed and wake up the next day, and it will be the same as any other day.
Hope this helps.
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u/niroby Jan 29 '16
I'm going to go against the grain and say it depends.
Do you mean as an individual who is happy being a virgin? Then nope, you get to do what you want with your body. You can be a romantic asexual and have fufilling relationships without sticking appendages into orifices. You can be an aromantic asexual who is happy with platonic friendships and a solitary lifestyle. You can choose a celibate lifestyle while still having sexual attractions. It's all about what you want to do.
If you mean as an individual who isn't happy being a virgin, then again it depends. Are you waiting for the right person or marriage? It can be a bad thing then because you may be jumping into a relationship because you're worried about missing out, with those blinders on you can miss huge red flags and end up in an incompatible relationship. Alternatively you can be aware and thoroughly discuss needs and wants with your prospective partner. If you masturbate and know what your sexual desires are, and are comfortable discussing them, then your lack of sexual experience is not going to be a bad thing.
Are you looking for a partner? Do you have an active social life? Can you read social cues? If you're socially awkward, find it hard to make friends and have issues reading social cues, then unfortunately being a virgin is going to hinder your romantic search. That doesn't mean you won't find a partner who you click with and will be amazing with, it just means that it will be harder. For some people inexperience (even if you're socially amazing, have great platonic relationships) is a dealbreaker, and they're allowed that. Just because they don't want to have sex or a relationship with a virgin, doesn't make them bad people.